Think I was kidding about our local newspaper? And by 'local', I mean in the CITY OF ATLANTA...a small burb, to be sure. See for yourselves:

**"Kenya Frazier was taking no chances.

She peeked into her freezer on learning of a national ground beef recall, and pulled out a tube of unused, frozen meat purchased a few weeks ago at Kroger.

A check of the "sell by" date revealed it was packaged within the time frame subject to the recall, Frazier said. She always thoroughly cooks meat, to a temperature that would kill bacteria. But Frazier decided to return the five-pound tube Sunday.

Her first experience with a ground beef recall made her question briefly the risk of a grilled hamburger. But with two children and a husband, burgers are a summertime staple.

"Sometimes we get ground turkey, but my husband doesn't like the way it tastes," she said."**

THIS is what constitutes news around here. *sigh*

NEWSFLASH: There IS, in fact, a difference between "Ensure" and "Insure". "Insure" ONLY relates to things like INSURance. You insure your car, your house, your life, your trailer. "Ensure" is used when you wish to denote the following: "to make sure, certain, or safe". To wit: "I called my agent to ENSURE that I would receive cash upon the death of certain parties who refuse to learn the difference between Ensure and Insure."

As some of you may know, I am getting married in November. The fact that I found someone who not only puts up with my rantings, but finds them funny and loves me anyway is cause for celebration.

In planning my wedding (in Vegas. By Elvis. Oh yes, we ARE the Tack-meisters), I have had cause to become more immersed in all things nuptial than I could ever care to. Along these lines, I have (contain your shock) found a plethora of new items that piss me off and/or perplex me. Wanna share? COURSE ya do!

Just why, WHY do people renew their vows before they've even been married a decade? This speaks volumes about our culture of late, don'tcha think?

Wedding colors: Platinum and purple. I don't think I need to elaborate.

People who don't send out Thank You cards. If I had a nickle for the numerous people I have spent hundreds of dollars on (EACH) in the last 3 years alone who didn't have the decency to even SAY thank you, let alone write it out on a .30 card, I would be able to have my hardwood floors by now.

Final venting for the day:

I went to SuperTarget to do some grocery shopping after work today. I swiped my debit card as usual, not giving a second thought to it. We typically have several thousand in the checking account on any given day, so why would I fret over a measly $70.00? Heh. Can ya feel where this is goin'??? Oh yes, friends and neighbors, that's right: My Card Was Declined!

Let's just ponder a moment on Gracie's day-to-day attitude and patience level. Yeah, I'm sure you can imagine my utter joy. 'Course, the cashier (a 17-year old hard-body snotface) had to endure several minutes of my "WHAT? wait. I must've entered my code incorrectly. Let me try again." spiel. Lucky her.

To get me back, she decides to speak to the sighing and pissed off customers in line behind me (who I ought to apology to, but...fuck 'em) while I'm calling The Fiancé to hiss into the phone about my humiliating situation. What does she say to these people? "Y'all may want ta git yo'selves in another lahn. Her card's bein' declined, and this will prob'ly take forEVER."

Thanks, Pixie-bitch. You're about as helpful as a condom on a lesbian cruise.

George, thankfully, answers the phone (took about 9 rings, as he was lying on the table at his physical therapist's office -- ponder the amount of poop that was scared out of The Fiancé and his PT when his loud-assed cell phone began emitting screaming rings during a massage. heh) and agrees to drive over and save me.

I had to sit in Shopper Detention, which is housed on benches in front of the 40 cashiers at the front of the store. To my utter joy during the 45-minute wait, I was entertained to no end by the masses. Here's what I got to witness:

95 mothers grabbing various sugar-laden items BACK out of their children's hands and throwing, yes THROWING them back into the candy-bar boxes in the checkout line. It was very funny. Not just because I've been there with my own child, but because the Exact Same action was performed by EVERY mother in the store, with the Exact Same force during the throwing. I smell a new Olympic Event, I tell ya.

Most of the children just sulked, realizing that at least they tried and perhaps next time it would work. But not 'Lil Miss PrissyBitch. Oh no. When HER mother did the obligatory grabbing of the candy and throwing of such back into the display case, THIS angel of a child walked behind her mother and smacked her on the ass. Not once, but three times. While screeching "I WANT my CAND-AYYYYYYYYY!!!" ohhhhhhhh my child would have been dead LONG ago had he pulled that shit with me. But THIS Mother of the Year? How do you suppose she handled it? That's right, by calmly and sweetly saying "Stop that, sweetie" and smiling and then giving her child $5.00. *Insert Gracie rolling her eyes to the point of pain and possible damage*

These are the mothers that give the rest of us a bad name. These are the women that are breeding thieves, murderers, bitches and brats. She probably also believes that spanking is wrong and firmly believes that Time Out is a viable option when the child attempts to burn down the house. We give tri-annual tests for a DRIVER'S LICENSE! When, WHEN are we going to institute the same for bearing children???

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