Preface:
About a guy I used to date. I thought you all might find it humorous.
Ok. Here's the scoop. First, tho, prepare yourselves. Remember that it
is *I* that is speaking, so to speak, here. Recall, as well, that the Proper
n' Appropriate gene was handed out the day I was smoking in the Impertinent
Angel's bathroom. Er sumthin.
So. The deal is this: Matt recently got shingles. That, in and of
itself, is fuel for YEARS to come for jokes. However, that isn't the funny
part. well....not really. **NOTE: For those who don't know, shingles is the
'sister' to chickenpox. It's a holdover that stays latent in most for a
lifetime. It is hugely painful and, if and when it surfaces, people who are
the unlucky recipients of this ....this......hell sprout hugely painful,
rashlike ...sores, their bodies ache terribly, the sores, much like pox,
itch, burn, etc. Ick. and a half. i know. Anyway, we canceled our date this
weekend since he was feeling horribly. He calls me periodically to update me
on his situation. Today he called and said he was finally feeling better and
was now able to sleep through the nite without trying to find new and
inventive ways of killing himself to escape the pain. Loving gal that I am,
I decided to send him a card thru email saying something to the effect of
'glad your shingles are improving'. I was SURE the net could provide for
this momentous occasion.
I was wrong. I did, however, find some Portuguese get-well cards. That
cracked my butt right up. Not just to send a 'grievous shingles be gone!'
card, but in portuGUESE?? oh yes. I must. So I found a couple that were
funny as hell (regardless of the fact that I had NO idea what they said). I
felt that, in the spirit of the moment, I had to at least attempt
authenticity. I felt it would be a beautiful touch if I were to write my
sentiments in Portuguese to match the card. shhhh. these things sound
fanTASTIC in my head. and they rarely go farther than that black vortex
called Gracie's Imagination, so leave me alone. Anyway, I went to the Babel
Fish site (we've all read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, no?) where
you can type something in English and translate it to other languages. Yeah,
I'm sure you can imagine how quickly things went downhill. people, I spent
an HOUR at this site. laughing so hard that I am still wiping the tears from
my eyes. I will provide you with a link to this hugely amusing tool at the
end of this email. First, tho, you must read me.
I went to the site. I typed in this:
I am happy that your shingles are getting better. I love you very
much. you are not dumb.
now. I KNOW how bad translations can be from one culture to another.
So I decided to type in the newly Portuguese verbiage I had been given and
told the 'tool' to translate it from Portuguese back into English. Obviously
my mission went terribly awry after that lil' brainstorm. I never did send
the card, and matt is reading this right along with you all {a warning
would've been doled out had he had the good sense to return my choking with
laughter voicemail expeditiously}. he is no doubt laughing too, without the
SLIGHTEST hint of humiliation or embarrassment, to be sure.
I spent the next hour typing in various sentences and falling out of
my chair at the translations. Here are those that I'm not too embarrassed to
share with you (ain't THAT sayin' a lot??)
enjoy. :-)
ENGLISH: I am happy that your shingles are getting better. I love you
very much. you are not dumb.
portuguese: Eu sou feliz que suas telhas estão começando mais melhor.
Eu amo-o muito muito que você não é dumb.
back to english: I am happy that its roofing tiles are starting
better. I very love it much that you is not dumb.
french: Je suis heureux que vos bardeaux aillent mieux. Je vous aime
très beaucoup que vous n'êtes pas sourd-muet.
back to english: I am happy that your shingles are better. I like you
very much that you are not deaf-mute.
german: Ich bin glücklich, daß Ihre Schindeln besser erhalten. Ich
liebe Sie, sehr viel, das Sie nicht dumb sind.
back to english: I am lucky that your Schindeln keeps better. I love
you, very much, which is not you dumb.
italian: Sono felice che le vostre assicelle stanno ottenendo più
meglio. Li amo molto molto che non siete dumb.
back to english: They are happy that your small boards are obtaining
more best. I love them a lot very who are not dumb.
spanish: Soy feliz que sus ripias están consiguiendo mejor. Le amo que
usted no es muy mucho mudo.
back to english: I am happy that their shingles are obtaining better.
Him master who you are not very much dumb.
Then I tried it a different way, thinking perhaps the placement of the
words were the key to my success. nah. but funny just the same:
I love you very much, Matt. I am happy that your shingles are getting
better. You are not dumb.
french: Je vous aime beaucoup, mat. Je suis heureux que vos bardeaux
aillent mieux. Vous n'êtes pas sourd-muet.
back: I love you much, chechmate. I am happy that your shingles are
better. You are not deaf-mute.
german: Ich liebe Sie sehr, matt. Ich bin glücklich, daß Ihre
Schindeln besser erhalten. Sie sind nicht dumb.
back: I love you very, matt. I am lucky that your Schindeln keeps
better. They are not dumb.
italian: Li amo molto, opaco. Sono felice che le vostre assicelle
stanno ottenendo più meglio. Non siete dumb.
back: I love them a lot, opaque. They are happy that your small boards
are obtaining more best. You are not dumb.
portuguese: Eu amo-o muito muito, matt. Eu sou feliz que suas telhas
estão começando mais melhor. Você não é dumb.
back: I love it very very, matt. I am happy that its roofing tiles are
starting better. You he is not dumb.
spanish: Le amo mucho, mate. Soy feliz que sus ripias están
consiguiendo mejor. Usted no es mudo.
back: Him master much, kills. I am happy that their shingles are
obtaining better. You are not dumb.
ok. they kept translating Matt into mate. and shingles into Roof
Tiles. and just how the hell did opaque and killing get in there???. That
wouldn't do. I tried herpes, since they ARE in the kinda sorta same family
and are blister-like ...things...with pus in them. but there was no
translation for herpes. let's just all say a quiet prayer of thanks for
that. I figured I had to be more literal. so I typed in 'pus-y blisters'.
oh. my. god. I am still crying with laughter. here are the translations:
french: le chat boursoufle
back: the cat rises
german: Pussy bedeckt mit Blasen
back: Pussy covers with blisters
spanish: el gatito ampolla
back: the kitten blisters
portuguese: bolhas do bichano
back: bubbles of the pussy
italian: Il pussy produce delle bolle su
back: The pussy it produces the bubbles on
then I got foul.
....but only to laugh, you understand. not because I really think
these kinds of things. I'm actually blushing and offended. highly. I'm not
at AAAALL immature and childish and in pursuit of 12 year old giggling fits.
nuh-UH.
Now. before going further. promise me that, at least in this section,
you will first at least LOOK at the foreign language words. nay, even
attempt to speak them out loud. it enhances the mood. you'll thank me later.
...yeah ya will.
ENGLISH: you push my love buttons, you are a sex god to me. I bow in
deference to your mighty manhood. oh yes. oh yes. oh.
french: vous poussez mes boutons d'amour, vous êtes un dieu de sexe à
moi que j'ai cintré par la déférence à votre manhood puissant. l'cOh oui OH
oui OH.
back: you push my buttons of love, you are a god of sex to me which I
curved by respect with your manhood powerful OH yes OH yes OH.
german: Sie betätigen meine Liebetasten, Sie sind ein Geschlechtgott
zu mir, den ich in der Achtung zu Ihrem mächtigen manhood beugte. OH-ja
OH-ja OH.
back: They press my love keys, you are a sex God to me, which I bent
in the attention to your powerful manhood. OH OH OH.
portuguese: você empurra minhas teclas do amor, você é-me um deus do
sexo que eu me curvei no deference a seu manhood poderoso. oh sim oh sim oh.
back: you push my keyboard keys of the love, you you are me a god of
the sex that I bent over in deference powerful its manhood. oh yes oh yes
oh.
italian: spingete I miei tasti di amore, voi siete un dio del sesso a
me ch'ho piegato nella deferenza al vostro manhood mighty. l' OH sì OH sì
OH.
back: you push my keys of love, you are a God of the sex to me ch' you
have folded in the deference to yours manhood mighty. OH yes OH yes OH.
spanish: usted empuja mis botones del amante, usted es un dios del
sexo a mí que arqueé en respeto a su manhood poderoso. oh sí oh sí oh.
back: you push my bellboys of the lover, you you are a God of sex to
me that I bent in respect to powerful his manhood. oh yes oh yes oh.
for your cultural pleasure, I provide you this link. use it wisely.
http://world.altavista.com/
