We never, EVER remember from one year to the next which way the chimney flue is supposed to be positioned so that the smoke will properly rise and exit our house rather than filling our home (and ourselves) with black soot. Ever. George and I have lived in this house together for 5 years and I? I'm embarrassed to admit that I've lived in this house for the better part of 25 years (despite a few ill-advised attempts to leave and be a grown-up) and I still never remember.
So, once again, fall rolls around and we have our first truly cold morning today and I have a tiny little heating pad that I've spent the last hour shifting around to different cold body parts and it's simply not doing the trick and of COURSE I can't find where I put the heated blanket from last year and so I decide to start a fire because the HVAC people won't be here to turn on our heat for the first time since the new unit was installed until this afternoon so I grab one of those logs that George bought since the gas thing is... I don't even know why we don't use the gas thingy, but we don't. The logs never stay lit, I think, but whatever, I light the paper of the insta-log and am all proud of me for being so resourceful and I go back and sit down at my laptop and get back to work.
About 30 minutes later I realize that, while finally WARM, my eyes are burning, my throat tastes funny (though, alarmingly and probably due to my 'Smokahontas' status, I'm not in any sort of throat PAIN) and I'm having trouble seeing the screen of the laptop and that's when I look up and see a startling haze of smoke all around me. I look at the dogs and expect to see them glaring at me but they are sleeping and then I start freaking out that I've killed them and wonder if I've killed me and then I try to figure out if insta-logs can cause carbon monoxide poisoning and figure ...prolly not, but SMOKE KILLS, yo! So I try to air the place out by opening and closing the front door really fast and Bailey thinks this is a game cause I only open the front door when we have company (and ALL company is always just for HER!) and so she runs for the door as I open and then skids to a stop as I close it and then runs again as I open and skids again as I close it and after a few more of these attempts, she looks up at me with hate in her eyes as though I'm toying with her and so she repays me with her scary pouncing and barking game where my legs usually end up bloodied and gouged and so I decide that, now that the house is a freezer again, the smoke hasn't dissipated a single BIT and my dog is trying to KILL me for my latest transgressions, that we will -clearly- need another method of fixing this mess.
So ... I call George and, much like me, he has NO recollection of what we did last year because we wonder each year to the point that we are so confounded and so convinced that we each know the right way (and they never match) and it's such an issue that we can't remember who won the argument last year and how it should be. We can't do anything SMART like write it DOWN and leave the note on the MANTEL for next year or anything right? Of course not... that would be intelligent and efficient. Hell, I probably won't even remember writing this entry by this time next year, so I won't even be smart enough to sit down and use my own Google function to look it up. Nope. I'll go through the whole ordeal again...and will just have that much more smoke damage to my (and my dogs!) lungs on my shoulders.
So George and I discuss it. He has me try checking outside to see if I see smoke exiting the top of the chimney. BRILLIANT! I put my flip flops on over my lovely ankle socks and shuffle outside to take a gander. Nope...no smoke. OO! But I DO see that weird shaky thing where -when there's heat- everything behind said heat looks all wavy and shaky, so THAT'S a good sign, right?
Not yet. George directs me to move the flue to the other position and go BACK outside to check again.
Huh. Same result. Frickin' GREAT.
So he then tells me to put the screen back over the fire and turn on the attic fan to get the smoke out and offers a few other suggestions but has to get back to work so I assure him I'll be fine and hang up.
I then get a sudden urge to call my brother, who also lived in the house for a good chunk of his life, to see if he remembers. And this entry is his punishment for his behavior on our call.
Though...seeing how mean and dead inside he is (much like George!), I kinda doubt now that it will even matter to him that I'm posting it. He'll probably just laugh at himself all over again and then send it to his friends and/or coworkers to get their OWN giggle at his special brand of hilarity.
Sigh. Brothers = asshats.
*Scene opens with fire raging, smoke rapidly taking over the house and Gracie dialing brother's number....*
**FADE IN**
Brother: [Sees Gracie's name on caller ID, picks up the phone and...insert rude pleasantries that aren't printable herein]
Gracie: [insert Gracie's response to unprintable rude pleasantries with OWN unprintable and rude not-so-pleasantries]
Brother: " ...'sup?"
Gracie: "Aaaany chance you remember which way the flue goes in my house?"
Brother: "In the chimney?"
Gracie: "Ha ha. Yes. Which way is open? Toward me or away from me?"
Brother: "Oohhhh...uhhhh...." *sucks air in while thinking* "iiiii... don't remember."
Gracie: "Damn. See, cause I would THINK that it would be TOWARD me cause it doesn't make sense that you would stick the little flue loop directly over a burning FIRE when it was open, right? That just doesn't make sense and would eventually ruin it, maybe, right?"
Brother: "I...yeah, that makes sense."
Gracie: "Okay!"
Brother: "You know the best way to find out, though? Shake it a bit to make sure it's not full of ash then stick your head in there and look up and move it from front to back and when you see sky? It's open."
Gracie: "Ohhh thank you, see but...NO."
Brother: "Why no?"
Gracie: "Uuuumm...cause it's full of FIRE?"
Brother: "Hahahaha oh. Well... so?"
Gracie: "Shut up."
Brother: "Well...huh."
Gracie: "See it's freezing cause they installed our new AC unit but said they had to come out to turn on our heat for the first time when we were ready cause sometimes the first time you turn on the heat with a new unit can cause funky things to happen so we called them over the weekend cause we are SOOO READY but they won't be here till later today and so I lit a fire to keep from FREEZING to DEATH and now the house is filled with smoke. And I thought it was open, but I guess it's not and I moved it both ways and each time went outside to see if smoke was coming out of the chimney and it wasn't - either time."
Brother: "Oooo. You know what THAT means don'tcha?"
Gracie: "That my fire skills are so super special that MY smoke disappears between the chimney and the sky??"
Brother: "No. It means you probably have a bird's nest in there blocking the flue. It's happened before."
Gracie: "Nooooooo!"
Brother: "Yep. And you're probably COOKING them right now! Nice. Reeeeally NICE, Gracie."
Gracie: "Noooo! Shut. UP!!! Nooo!"
Brother: "Oh, yes. Probably already dead and YOU KILLED THEM."
Gracie: "Stop it!"
Brother: "BIRD KILLER!" *Laughs wildly at Gracie and, mostly, himself* "MURDERER!!"
Gracie: *puts into action her time honored way of shutting up her brother..well...the other one... that doesn't involve mentioning Grandma's Boobs* [presses the 8 key on the keypad for approximately 9 seconds] then asks "Are you DONE?"
Brother: "Well...considering I'm wearing a headset and the sound is moderated and I can't hear what you're trying to do? YES, yes, I'm all set."
Gracie: "Jerk."
Brother: "Look, try putting the fire out and then do the head up the flue (hehehe) thing."
Gracie: "I can't blow that hard."
Brother: "WHAT?"
Gracie: "I didn't use the gas, so I can't just turn it off. I used one of those logs...those ...shit, I can't remember what they're called... dammit... you KNOW... those 'light it and WHOOSH ya have fire!' logs. So I can't just turn it off." *Then tries to be funny by mimicking Ross from Friends when Phoebe's dollhouse catches on fire and he tries to blow -overly dramatic-like and with much noise- and does no good in achieving his goal...and I find that apparently my brother hasn't SEEN that episode*
Brother: "Um...okay, DORK... why not try pouring water on it?"
Gracie: "Oh...that will smell. Also it will make a big mess...there's lots of ash in there. I...no."
Brother: *clearly tiring of me and my refusal to cooperate, he says in a happy, sing-song voice, the following: "Ohhh-KAY! ...just KILL the baby birds, then!"
Gracie: "Ohhhh, just fuck you n' fuck the birds. I = cold!"
Brother: *whispers* "murderer"
Gracie: "Sob! Shuddup! I take it back! I didn't mean it!"
Brother: "Did too. Heartless bitch."
Gracie: "Fuck off. I'm going now. I have to work on this some more. I'll send you the dead bird carcasses when I'm done." (Thinking -wrongly as usual- that I won this one.)
Brother: "Ooooo, better yet, send me an OMELETTE!!"
Gracie: *Click*
Men SUCK.
