Happy (belated) Birthday Shatonya!! I now have THREE sets of gifts for people in your family. I swear, I'm just going to mail 'em to you!

Sorry...that's more of an email conversation, isn't it? Yes, Gracie, it is. Let's move on.

Quick note to those who've sent me email: I am SO thankful for your notes and I have them marked to respond to each and every one of them. But (or should I say "Alas"??) there are so many notes and between the amount of email and my regular job and the store, I've fallen a bit behind. Rest assured, I will get back to you as soon as I can. I haven't forgotten ya! and keep 'em coming! You guys make my day with your letters! Gracie loves ya babe!

Moving on to My Dorky Life:

I would like to apologize to any and all who may have been present on a recent conference call who heard my arrival announced by Automated Phone Man not as "Gracie MyLastName has joined the call," but instead were greated with "Fuckin' Gracie MyLastName GO! has joined the call." Because I was in the car with George and he felt compelled to yell at an idiot driver juuuuust as the phone service was recording my name, the better to ANNOUNCE my arrival to all 100. other. people. in attendance. You're welcome.

You'd think we would have learned our lessons when, not too long ago, I had to call Formerly BellSouth to complain about an email issue (ahem--that didn't start until AT&T took over--ahem). I was on my fourth or fifth call at this point, having spent the last 20 minutes or so dealing with idiotic automated phone systems (the creators of whom actually think we BELIEVE them when they insist that they, too, have recently changed their menu items, so please listen carefully to ALL options. BullSHIT. You just don't appreciate the people who've let us in on the secret that we can press certain buttons and get riiiiight to a live person. Suck it!)

Ahem. Sorry. [/tangent]

Aaaaanyway. I was on my fourth or fifth call, and was fiiiiinally on my way to a real live person, having finally gotten past the point where, in all calls previous, the phone just went silent or started speaking to me in another language. Gotta love the voice-interactive crap, don't ya? I like to assume that they have speech recognition on these systems and will sometimes yell, quite tourette-like, "PISS-FUCK-SHIT!" when I want to be sure that my situation is heard, even if it will be later on, by a supervisor. This, however, was not one of those times. I was becoming increasingly annoyed, I wasn't getting my email, I was grumpy and had a million things to do. I just wanted a gawdam person to answer my gawdam call and fix my gawdam problem.

This was not to be.

Because just as Automated Phone Woman asked me to speak my next piece of information to finally FINALLY get me to where I needed to go? George, quite inexplicably, yelled out "BARK!" as though he KNEW it was the exact moment when a voice response was required, though I can't quite believe that's possible. ...Any more than I can quite believe that he just HAD to yell "BARK!" for any reason whatsoEVER.

But let me just tell you that Automated Phone Woman? SHE understood him and his needs and quite cheerfully accepted his response. Aaaaand sent me to Formerly Bellsouth Purgatory. (Which is somewhere around HELL for the newbies.) And not JUST because George yelled (frickin') "BARK!" but because she stopped "speaking" as soon as he yelled (frickin') "BARK!" alerting me to the fact that HIS response was taken and mine would not be heard, and so *I* yelled out "FUUUUUUCK!" because I knew that I would once again have to start over. And it was THEN that I quite distinctly heard my call get routed ...elsewhere. I clearly heard:

Automated Phone Woman: Please say "Formerly Bellsouth Sucks, Our Email REALLY Sucks, You wouldn't buh-LIEVE how our DSL Sucks, or You'd like One Millio..."

George: (frickin') "BARK!"

Formerly Bellsouth" *Click...music...* "Eat Shit, Please. We don't give two farts about your call. Hold er, you know, whatever, cause *I* don't really care. But, jesus h., if you just HAVE to stick around like the jackass we all know you to be, hey...well, a Collections Department Representative will be with you in -bizarre voice change- 746 minu...*

Gracie: "FUUUUUUCK!"

Formerly Bellsouth" *Click...music stops...crackling sound is heard, much like that of FIRE*

I just closed my eyes. Uttered a deep, weary sigh. And hung up the phone.

Note of interest: I wanted to see if I had previously told you about me yelling "PISS-FUCK-SHIT!" into phone systems, because it felt like I had, and so I used my site's Google feature to search and, since I couldn't remember how I might have typed it (WITH hyphens? WITHOUT hyphens? Shit before fuck? Tomato Toe-MAAHHH-toooe), I just entered "PISS" and... found that there are SIX PAGES of entries listed where Gracie says "Piss." Now, some of those instances were quoting others, but ...still. Gave me pause.

And also distracted me enough that I forgot to finish my search for PISS-FUCK-SHIT! and came back here to write THIS.

Holy CRAP! Did anyone else know that Amazon now sells GROCERIES!? When did this HAPPEN? And why wasn't I TOLD!? That's it. I may just have to leave George for the CEO of Amazon. He = genius.

Okay...I could never leave George. But...I could get a weekend pass to kiss a smarty-pants CEO, right?

Gracie's latest OCD daily needs:

• Bigelow Decaf Chai Tea with honey, a bit of sugar, and Half & Half



• Diet Caffeine-free Dr. Pepper (but ONLY when eating a meal...otherwise, nothin' but water)



• Homemade Strawberry & Banana Smoothie (I actually typed up my recipe for you. You'll LOVE me for it!)



• Pomegranate Body Lotion by Archipelago (this was a gift from George for Mother's Day and I am in loooooove with it. So subtle, yet long-lasting. No migraine from the smell, which is a BIG plus. You never get sick of the scent. Unbelievably moisturizing. Smells citrus-y and is simply delicious.)

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Someone Arrived Here Searching For:

rhyming massage poems [seriously? There are poems for massages? And they RHYME!? Man, I have led SUCH a sheltered life!]

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he touched my bulging pants [aaaaand you just HAD to tell ME about it soon thereafter??]

"humiliate my wife" [like men NEED more ideas to do THAT. Snort.]

...just kidding George. Seriously.

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beth i hear them [oh? And what did they SAY to you??]

true [that's IT!? Just ...true? And...you wound up HERE? AAahaahahaha]

latter to my friend

are me done yet [yes, yes I think you ARE. And, on that note, so are WE.]

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