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Oooooh-kee-dooookee. I just returned from the bathroom here at work and I feel...I feel...icky. I was apparently a lot quieter than I realized, because another person entered after me and went about her business, clearly not realizing that she was NOT alone. Normally this would not be cause for alarm. This was not a normally-situation, though. I can take a lot. I can. I have stomach issues which, unfortunately, cause me to have to spend quite a bit of time in the bathroom. Bad enough, right? What's worse is that you start to learn a reeeeeally lot about your coworkers when you are forced to hang out in the potty room as much as ulcerative colitis forces you to. For instance, much to your own chagrin, you learn the sounds of different people when they pee. some are angry pee-ers, some are loooooud pee-ers, some are tinklers. You so don't WANT to know this, but when people feel the need to chat just outside the bathroom --loudly-- and then come in and cheerfully greet whomever may be washing their hands or brushing their teeth, well...you recognize the voice, then they pee, then you go "Oh GOD...ohhhh, oh I don't want to KNOW this about them! Plugging ears and la-la-la-la-la!" I can even deal with the women who can't be quiet long enough to pee. Those women who have to hum in an opera-like tone no matter what they're doing or who's around. Or how about the women who reFUSE to wash their hands after using the bathroom?? It's bad enough that they are hygienically challenged, but dude...you touch the same doors, appliances, etc., that I do. *I* do not want to have contact with your pee and poop! And don't EVEN think you're fooling us, those of you who just turn on the faucet for a millisecond then shut it off and pretend to be drying your hands. We KNOW it's a ruse. And really...if you're going to go to THAT much trouble? USE THE FUCKING SOAP!! God. But even THAT isn't as bad as what I encountered today.
Today was the ultimate in horror. Today I shared the bathroom with a woman who...talked to her poop.
Oh yes, yes she did. Bitch TALKED to her POOP. I was so stunned that I literally forgot to burst out laughing. I did NOT, however, forget to transcribe the conversation between her and Mr. Feces. Here ya go:
*Woman enters stall, removes pants, sits on toilet. She pees. She does not complete the process by wiping and exiting. Nope. A tiny fart escapes her body and that is when the fun begins. She now begins speaking* "It staaaayyyys inSIDE! It staaaaayyyys inSIDE! That's it. Thaaaaaat's RIIIIIGHT! You STAY up IN there! That's it. That's riiight. *machine-gun-like-farts-make-a-break-for-it-and-blissfully-exit-her-body* "OOO! OH! Nononono not. here. HEY! HEEEEY! NNNNot here! We dont... *faaaart* "Oooot!! Naaah! GIIIIT iiiinside! Yeees....that's a good poo! Goooood PooooOOOOoooo!"
Jesus H. Christ on a POPSICLE STICK! The HELL!?
Thank CHRIST I didn't recognize the voice. But as my sister and my friend both pointed out after I regaled them with the story, it's highly likely that, some time in the future, I will be in a large meeting and will suddenly ... hear that voice. And I will lose it. A mixture of horror and hilarity will cross my features. Tears will begin streaming out of my eyes. Or blood...whichever. And I will be unable to function. I'll begin squealing something unintelligible, though later on, some people will whisper that it sounded oddly akin to "It staaaaays insiiiiiide".
Aaaaand, there ya have it. And you WONDER why I am the way I am. Because of episodes such as this.
Friggin' FREAKS, I tell ya.
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Saw this online today and it made me very, very happy. Particularly the very last sentence.
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Hasselhoff in Court With Estranged Wife
March 28, 2006 9:00PM ET
David Hasselhoff made a surprise appearance in a Los Angeles courtroom Tuesday. Also present -- his estranged wife, Pamela, and their two daughters.
The judge closed the courtroom to the public and reporters on the grounds that sensitive child custody issues were discussed. We're told one of the issues involved the children's travel arrangements.
Court documents reveal that Pamela has accused David of domestic violence -- in one instance, allegedly breaking her nose. He has denied the allegations.
During a break, the former 'Baywatch' star went out into the hallway and sang a song in German to a random woman.
Bwwwaa-ahahahaha. Another friggin' freak. Hhhhhey! Maybe we should hook HIM up with Poo-Freak up there! They can sing together of ca-ca! And, you know...go bowling or something.
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And finally, I leave you with a few images of how I found my dog the other day. I swear, if she were a person? She'd be a TOTAL serial killer. The kind that guts her victims. Dork.
Also note the brown smudges on the wall...this wall belongs to Bella. She not only DRIES herself on this wall after playing outside in the rain (or just...you know...burying herself in DIRT) but she also uses this as a napkin when the side of the couch is unavailable. Brat.
I especially like how it's hanging from her mouth...like drool.
I take that back...I'm not quite leaving you yet. This reminds me of how we found the bed the other night. The bed was made. Well...roughly. Let's just say that the covers were pulled up to the pillows, okay?? on HIS side, not mine. What-EVER. Details. Anyway, so...yeah. We come in for bed and I pull down my side of the covers and I see...THIS:
Nice, huh? But it gets better. George's covers were pulled up farther than mine and HIS side? COVERED. Totally dried, ground-in, red Georgia clay. And it was UNDER his PILLOW as well. The HELL? How the hell did this 80 pound dog manage to jump on the bed, get UNDER the covers and UNDER the pillows and rub her mud and then make the bed again?!?
I swear, I'm checking myself into a sanitarium. I'm melting.
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Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
mama's boobs song
moms enemas
want to listen to here comes the bride song [do ya miss it?? forgot the words?? what? why?]
"how to fail a class" [i dunno...spend all your time surfing the web instead of studying?]
un clogging a toilet
"why is it called salad"
february 15, 1564 parent's surname [dude...how old ARE you??]
colon blow
funny sayings about stalkers
how much is each american worth [one meeeeellion dohlars!]
carrie underwood's platform
snot eating
shoes orgasm
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