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The Kiddo is in MAJOR trouble right now. He's being punished for atrocious grades (he actually has an 18 in one class. EIGHTEEN. I can't say--or type apparently--that without laughing at the absurdity of it). It's especially hard to fathom when taking into account his wild intelligence and the fact that he scored in the top 2% of the COUNTRY in nationwide testing). Very, very frustrating.
Also he's being punished for having a room that ought to be studied by scientists. Seriously. So he has no computer, no electronics, no television, etc., etc. He's SO thrilled.
While I was typing yesterday's entry, he came upstairs and asked if he could have a small reprieve to watch a DVD in the room with me, since I wasn't using the television and since he's done several "good" things lately and would certainly do many MORE good things in days to come ("since I'm not doing aaaanything ELSE cause I'm guh-ROUNDED! SIIIIIIGH!").
Of course I relented. I'm a pushover when it comes to him. The first 10 years of his life were crappy. We were very poor, I chose badly in the men department after his father and I divorced (while I was pregnant...GEM of a guy there, lemmee tell ya). Things were very hard most of the time, and I was too young to know a lot of things. Consequently, most of our time was spent just surviving. Now that things have turned around and I've worked hard and made a better life for us? I have a hard time not trying to make up for those shitty years. So yes...he's being punished, but I can't seem to be 100% harsh in my discipline with him. Yeeees, I'm not doing him any favors. YEEEES, I'm being a dumbass pushover...YEEEES, I love my son and hate to see him sad. YES he knows (and totally uses) this information. So what. Aside from his grades and lack of room-cleaning skill? He's a terrific kid. He's smart, incredibly funny, well-mannered, kind-hearted, refuses to give in to peer pressure, yada-yada-yada great-kid-cakes. And besides...he's SEVENTEEN. (I have NO idea who I'm being so defensive toward, in case you're wondering.)
So yeah...back to the entry.
I'm typing typing typing and he's watching watching watching his DVD and I'm not really paying attention, but suddenly I hear this odd...singing. And it sounds Japanese. So of COURSE I look up because I remember that, in the list of items Kiddo asked for at Christmas this year? Was anime PORN. He swears it wasn't (and *I* swear it was and that he meant to save the link for himself for later and forgot to remove it from his list...and I thank GODUHMIGHTY I checked all links before sending the list to the grandparents). My brother, however, received the 'real' list because it was very funny and SOMEONE had to share in the hilarity that was this situation of the kid asking for naughty movies for CHRISTMAS and it was anime and something about stolen panties or some such and the movie's amazon.com description was incredibly funny. Well...Mr. FunnyPants brother decides it'd be ten times funnier to actually BUY the damned thing for The Kiddo. (Ohhhh, ponder the payback now that he has one child and another on the way!!)
So, recalling this information, I whip my head up to see just what's about to be displayed on the screen (which is 55 inches and TOTALLY visible to certain neighbors) and I join the movie just in time to see that the show's theme song lyrics are conveniently printed on the screen in English, just for me. And you, of course...I wouldn't leave YOU out! But...you'll have to wait a few minutes before partaking of THAT joy. Instead we'll start with the ending song, because I'm backwards that way:
As long as you're always by my side in this big, wide world
I'll still continue to push on, even if I'm trapped in darkness
I believe in a today and a tomorrow
in which we fight and smile an appalling amount
Oh, white angel from above
face the dazzling sun
in your serene eyes, a certain courage
will transform into a strong, unbeatable power
Oh, white angel from above
make this next wind an ally
You're shining brighter than ever before
Let's strive toward even more wonderful times
I KNOW.
I take a few notes here and there and tune in and out periodically once I'm certain that it really isn't porn (though there seems to be a lot of innuendo and suggestive SOUNDING dialog, though the actions on screen are perfectly innocuous. It's very bizarre).
At one point I'm making rather loud (and alternately amused and exasperated) exclamations about some of the very strange goings-on and George hears all the commotion and decides to come downstairs for a snack and to see just what's going on. He comes along in time to see an older Asian man who's got a massive head (obviously to imply great intelligence), is bald except for a 3-foot-long beard and a white ponytail in back, he has large hoop earrings that are either very heavy or he's been wearing them so long that they've caused his ears to be pulled all the way down to his shoulders. I have NO idea. This old man is clearly meant to be Mr. Wise Man and he's apparently just hired this male teenager (Negi, the show's star) as a professor for an all-girl's school (all of whom are the same age or slightly older than the professor). After being told the rules (or something I totally didn't listen to), Professor Kid turns to leave the room just as a busty woman is entering and he smacks head directly into the cleavage of the older woman's boobs. I'm shocked enough that his head disappears into her sweatered chest, but am even more surprised to hear that this action is accompanied by a BONKING, SQUEAKY noise. George (who is in the room now while his soup heats in the microwave and who actually noticed this when I did not and had The Boy rewind the movie so we could witness this in full) and I are speechless. The Kiddo laughs hysterically at our Old Fart reactions to something so very very minor and further scars his parents by telling us that he read the book this is based on quite a while ago and at this point in the book? Since the author apparently wasn't adept at describing noises? The woman asks the professor kid if she can help him and he asks...for a cookie.
uh huh.
a.
COOKIE.
We, of course, are blinking rapidly and go back to the screen while we wait for thought and voice to return to our very disturbed selves. We now see that Professor has not left the room with Busty and Wise Guy yet. He's standing next to his American ...I don't even KNOW who the guy is, but he acts like a chaperone to the kid. The chaperone is chatting away and Negi is apparently highly amused at something that is said and begins laughing in a robotic way.
George responds to this with, "I need to do that more often." He then does his best to form his mouth into the oblong shape that, moments ago, was worn by Negi and mimics his freakish "haaaaah-haaaa-heeeeee" laughter, then also mimics the character's inability to complete the laugh by closing his mouth. Instead he (and, now, George) leaves his mouth open while other characters speak and just tilts his head back and forth (still with mouths open, both). George feels this will serve him well during work meetings. I wholeheartedly agree. Aaaaand since his boss (and his boss's boss and half the office, really) reads this site, I fully expect to hear that he has, in fact, performed this very action in at least one meeting next week.
George disappears into the kitchen to complete his lunch preparations and I go back to being highly flustered by my son's movie. After many shouts from Gracie about how very, very WRONG some of this stuff is (or SEEMS to BE) and being laughed at by The Kiddo for being a completely clueless prude, I was forced to admit, if only to myself, that this person I view as "Child" but who is taller than me and has kept the same job (his first!) for a year (stellar at his age!) and whose voice is deeper than most is really... *gulp* a ... man. And, in less than one year, will be an adult. He is already legally allowed to view not just rated "R" movies, but ...some of the "bad" ones, too. So it's hard to bitch about a risqué cartoon, ya know?
Whatever. Even granting all the above info, I was still highly disturbed. So I said, after a bizarre and disturbing scene involving an indoor pool where one girl was heard saying "My, what big SOAP you have!" I just lost it and said, "it's...like...it's like... porn, but...not. it's very...it's just ODD, Kiddo. It's just so so so VERY ODD! What the HELL!?" To which he responds with fits of hysterical laughter. He keeps pointing at my head and the few words he can muster involve comments about my expression and face and how funny I look when confused as hell.
So I choose to stop writing my entry for a while and just watch with him (because that "soap" comment freaked me OUT and because I remember yeeeeears ago making the HUGE mistake of not watching previews and not realizing that Jim Carey's Me, Myself, and Irene wasn't like his previous cutesy kids movies, nor that it was rated "R" and was SO NOT A KIDS MOVIE and ...found out the hard way while in the theater with my 10-year-old son and had to drag him out (kicking and screaming of course) while trying to hide my humiliated face from the other attendees.
So here are some of the questions from mom, who just wants to ensure her (albeit nearly grown) son is not watching Bad Bad Assorted Peng:
- "Whh...why...WHY is that girl wearing a FISH? And why...DUDE, WHY is she spitting mah-jongg tiles??" (keep in mind that The Kiddo stopped responding with annoyance and exasperation quite a while ago and is now mostly ignoring me while watching his movie. He only pulls himself away occasionally to laugh at me and my questions, not EVEN seeing the irony in our role-reversal. Forgetting how often he would make exclamations over MY movies and ask a bajillion questions throughout the entire length of any and all shows.)
- Gracie: "Why does that girl have BELLS in her hair?" George: "No wait...lookit the other one! Why does SHE have two balls of ICE CREAM on each side of HER HEAD!?"
- Gracie: "Hey, why do they have white stripes around the tops of their heads ("cause they're ASIAN, mom, and it's to denote the SHINE of their HAIR" said with complete "DUH!" tones throughout, of course)
- "Ooo, ew. What are those THINGS!? Poking out of her head...are those her EARS?? ("NO! she's a ROBOT! SIIIIIIGH!")
- Gracie: "How come most of them look normal but those two have Pamela Anderson boobs?? That's just not NORMAL!" George: (who, let's not forget, has been to Vietnam and Hong Kong and is now an authority on all things Hot-Asian-Women-Like) says "yyyyeah, NO Asian women have boobs like that. NONE. TRUST me." and since The Kiddo is in the room, I decide not to torture him with peppered questions regarding just how MUCH and WHY he knows so much about Asian Boobland.
George leaves us to our movie-question-sigh-laugh-ignore routine and retrieves his soup from the microwave. He then makes his way back up the stairs and, on the way, mutters with much confusion of his own, "ohhhh...kay. then. now. I'm...yanno, going back upstairs. I'm going to just...leave you to watch Japanese-animation-almost-porn with your SON. You have a good time. And I promise..." he says with much snotty sarcasm, "I won't be upstairs calling social services."
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Phrases heard while typing the rest of the entry:
"I'll tell you what. Stay with me today, and I'll show YOU what MY training's all ABOUT!"
"Wwhattttt? You mean I have to KISS HIM for [couldn't hear]?" and then the weird ferrett-looking character (aforementioned White Angel from Sky, I'm assuming, who looks like PokeyMon or however that shit's spelled) says, "...you're telling me you're in eighth grade and haven't ever KISSED a BOY!?" Wow. Mom is shocked and at least thankful that he's chosen to wait till THIS age to watch this crap and wonders if any of the other parents who purchase these cartoons for THEIR kids because they're cartoons and how bad could they BE? know that THIS is what happens in them? And then more stuff happens and I lose that thought cause I can't save the WORLD don'tchaknow and here is more of what was heard:
- "Find the brainwashed robot girl and her groupies!"
- "tonight i've come to close the deal and bleed you dry!"
- "come on, professor, let's PLAY"
- "do what you want with him, but make sure he regrets coming here alone!"
- "migala hypnotica!"
- "yes mahhh-stuh"
- "My boobs are bigger, so the professor should stay with ME"
- "Oh sissy boy"
- "Aaaaanybody huuuuuuungry??"
- "Now, THAT'S a fishing technique I've never seen before!"
- "Relaaaax, I don't have cooties."
- "I can feel magic about her"
- "...stole 3000 panties and ran away!!"
- "You really gave them the swift kick in the shorts they needed!"
- "Time for our famous TRIANGLE attack!!!" (said while playing dodge ball...and I have NO idea if that makes it better or worse!)
- "I can't figure out where the next ball's gonna come from!"
- "Special Move: Solar FIST!"
Again, I swear...it's not porn.
I go back to typing and things are quiet for a while until....
The Kiddo: "The middle school outfits look WAY better than the high school outfits."
Gracie: *Stares wide-eyed at son*
The Kiddo: "Seriously, did you notice?" and he begins extolling the merits of the stunning (and short-skirted) middle school outfits versus the prudish and non-leg-baring high school outfits and before he can scar his mother to any further degree, I stop him and remind him that it's A CARTOON. And he finishes our conversation and goes back to his movie with a firm "Still!"
About half an hour later, I suddenly hear meowing from the screen and glance up to see many little kittens sprinkling down from above onto a girl. I cannot deal with this, so I go back to typing, but Kiddo noticed my momentary lapse in rapid typing and says:
Kiddo: "Kitties"
Mom: "What?"
Kiddo: "KITTIES"
...and points at television and while Gracie is once again disturbed, wondering if it's some sort of gawdam METAPHOR, Kiddo mistakes my thoughtful expression for "IT'S PORN!" and yells "Nonono! Kitties, mom, KITTIES! NOT titties! Kitties!!" and I decide that hanging myself is likely the best solution.
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And, as promised, here is the beginning theme song lyrics from my son's "IT'S SO NOT PORN, MOM!" movie:
Once I overtake the glimmering wind, I'm sure I'll find you
New shimmer, happy ready go!
I'm bursting at the seams with newly-awakened excitement
I stuff it in my breast pocket and look into the sky
I play a staring game with the mirror to find my bangs
I want to rush through with an original smile
Every second, my heart pounds as these tinged days
become a map of the future
my heart beats faster
Once I overtake the glimmering wind, I wonder what'll be waiting
Even rain showers easily turn into rainbows
Colorful * Happy * Material, GO!!
I'm sure I'll find you
Let's let a small courage blossom
.....SEE!?!?!?! Colorful * Happy * Material, GO!! indeed.
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Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
my nipples could cut glass
what is the difference between ensure and insure [76 brain cells]
tall women farting
www.american sexy aunts [no such thing]
shitting on birthday cake picture [oh my GOD. Please DIE]
eye-rolling american communication [hong kong search. heh.]
why does girls poop smell
bomb tail plug
pusy entry [sigh]
how to get the sopranos accent [talk about a segue!]
paula abdul nonwhite
humorous bat mitzvah jokes
smelly sexys girls farting
sucky day pics
long fart mp3
baby goot booty [I love when Pakistani men misspell their porn searches]
funny witty comments [ohhhh I have a zillion. How much cash ya got??]
screwing vs thrusting [aaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!]
gay smell my fart [what does GAY have to do with it?? Nevermind. I don't want to know about ANY of this new...thing]
lyrics about guilt and apology or confession
out of fries
nude girls doctor exam [oh you WISH]
35 years old pusy [from Croatia]
interpretr course [perhaps a SPELLING course is in order first, hmmm?]
are birds afraid of heights [hahahahha! It's not just ME!!]
waiters suck
my OR his OR her OR your cousin's OR mom's OR mother's OR sister's boob OR boobs OR boobie OR booby OR boobies OR bewb OR bewbs OR bewby OR bewbie OR bewbies [just go to jail. They're expecting you.]
what are these bugs i am finding in my hair?
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