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The other night I was reading the news online and saw a story that Sharon Stone has decided to offer kisses to those who work toward peace in the middle east (read: refused to loosen the claw-like grip on her fading career.) Hurl. I mention this idiocy to George and here is the (highly disturbing) conversation that took place as a result:
George: *says to Sharon Stone* "How 'bout kissin' my balloon knot?"
Gracie: *blink-blink...blink* "....Your what? ...yooooour W-H-A-T?!"
George: *says like a happy little boy* "Mah BLOON-knot!"
Gracie: "Gross!"
George: "You know what that is, right?"
Gracie: "[mentions body part]?"
George: "No. It's the ass. Particularly the hole. Haven't you ever noticed..."
Gracie: *Interrupts George due to the fact that a visual has just entered her mind with startling clarity and she is forced to clap her hands over her ears, squeeze her eyes shut, and begins yelling* "Auuuuuugggghhhhhhh!!!!" and then segues into shouting the universally acknowledged song that means 'shuddupshuddupshuddup! I'll be forever scarred if you continue!'
To wit: "La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!!!"
George: *overly satisfied with himself* "Yoooou love me"
Gracie: "Oh, uh-huh."
George: "You do. Besides, where else would you learn all these new words and phrases?"
Gracie: "Yes, I am ever so enriched now."
George: "Exactly! Now when people talk about these things, you'll be In the Know!"
Gracie: "Oh, thank god. And I was SO worried about being left outta the Balloon Knot loop! THANK YOU!"
George: "No problem!"
Gracie: *Rolls eyes and goes back to reading the news*
George: *Ignores eye rolling and goes back to his television show*
Aaaaand, such is our marital communication process.
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Another recent conversation while on our way to a hockey game. These are the joys that make up married life:
There's a (local?) sandwich place in Atlanta called My Friend's Place - George hates it, I love it. Since we worked together for five years and ate lunch together nearly every day, I chose not to force it on him, just as he was considerate enough not to force barbeque on me (I can't eat it due to the fact that the smoking and curing of the meat gives me migraines...just the smell alone is good for several hours of blinding pain in my head.) But, since George resigned and we no longer work together nor have lunch with each other on a daily basis anymore, I decided to indulge in the joy that is a pita from My Friend's Place, exactly one day after his last day at our company.
Gracie: *Excitedly* "Gisswhut? I had My FRIEND'S Place today! I had half a tuna & egg salad pita, and I had half a chicken salad pita. *Pauses for effect since she knows this next part will make George turn 8 shades of green and will elicit wretching noises from his face* ...and it had apples and NUTS in it, too!" *Smiles and waits for his reaction*
George: *Makes face that is meant to display clear and utter disgust* "That is wrong. And gross. It's wrong...and it is gross."
Gracie: "I know. It SOUNDS gross. But it is gooooood."
George: "No. Not SOUNDS gross. IS gross."
Gracie: "No."
George: "And wrong."
Gracie: "GOOD. it's GOOD."
George: "WRONG and GROSS."
Gracie: "You don't know."
George: "Oh, I DO know. Chicken salad is simple. It should have finely diced celery? And onions and salt and pepper. THAT'S IT. *Shakes his head and mutters, apparently to the ROAD in front of him* "...Apples and nuts. Dude, that's just wrong."
Gracie: "You know, I've had a LOT of salads in my time...and I don't recall EVER having one with celery, onions, salt and pepper."
George: "Sigh. It just means...VEGGIES. It has VEGGIES."
Gracie: "Then why isn't it called chicken veggies??"
George: "Siiiigh."
Gracie: "Salad equals lettuce. Is there lettuce in chicken salad??"
George: *Glares at Gracie.*
Gracie: "Exactly. So why is it called 'salad'??"
George: "You just don't get it."
Gracie: "Why call it 'salad' and then put NON-salad things in it?"
George: "Oh, so PRO-salad is apples and nuts? You frequently have salads with apples n' nuts in it?"
Gracie: *wait...uuuuumm...shit* ".....Noooo."
George: "Okay then!"
Gracie: "No. You don't win this one."
George: "Do too."
Gracie: "No. 'Cause it's been called chicken SALAD --with NON-salad ingredients-- for WAY longer than they've been putting apples and nuts in it."
George: "...AND??"
Gracie: "So they were dumb first. Therefore, I...am..."
George: "??"
Gracie: "Whatever. Shuddup. It's GOOD."
George: "Mmm-hmm. Okay."
Gracie: *Squints eyes and imagines strangling him a little bit*
George: "Freak."
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Quick question: Why the HELL do Asian restaurants reFUSE to allow their patrons to have knives? Seriously? The fuck they think we're going to DO with them? Hold them hostage and demand better fortunes in our cookies, WHAT?
Each time I am faced with a particularly large piece of General Tso's chicken that clearly won't be fitting into my mouth at its current size and I am forced to try and pull it apart with my gawdam chopsticks, I can just picture the owners peeking out from behind their black lacquer room dividers with the dragon flies and flowers all over them...silently giggling at us and knowingly and evily nodding to each other...in complicit agreement with all who serve us that we deserve this. That if we didn't insist on eating such huge portions and weren't so fat and overindulgent and greedy...if we just KNEW the hardship of stealing away on a nasty boat where unspeakable things occur on the ride to Amellica, well, maybe we wouldn't have such trouble. So we don't DESERVE a cutting device, because we're selfish, overindulgent, and spoiled.
GIVE US FREAKIN' KNIVES, DAMMIT!
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Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
pictures of monkeys f*cking [yep, this is funny. I know. But I'm tired of the sicko hits I'm getting due to these search terms (and it takes too long to do these as a graphic) so I'm using symbols to block out parts of the words hoping that I'll get less brain trauma when I see some of these results]
burger king commercial big bucking chicken and you are big and you are chicken
hit a father therapeutic [nice]
men in pantyhose
wife farts turnoff [what an asshole. women are HUMAN jackass. Grow up.]
relationships with crack heads [calling them a 'crackhead' sounds like a beautiful start]
"how to f*ck a girl on the first date" [pig]
pictures of people who really have to pee and can't hold it in so they do a dance
cures for dogs that eat excrement
she doesn't know what she's done
"what to wear to a hockey game" [You'd be amazed how many women we see at the games wearing miniskirts and spike heels. George likes to call out "Ooo! Looks like it's Bring-A-Hooker-to-Hockey Night again!"]
american idol is racist
f*ck my pooper [classy]
forced to smell stinky feet in the office
ow i think i sprained my ankle!!
mmmmm i love my sister's ass
song i pee freely
my sister forced me into a diaper
warped priorities of youth hockey
physical therapist's sayings [...stretch...?]
squeeze black ass
what is the white thing attached to an egg
hungry for ass
pictures of monkeys pooping
stupid pictures [specific, aren't we?]
how do people walk uphill both ways
overweight black mamas with ass
oops i'm pooped
do lizards masturbate?
adulthood of kelly clarkson
my pussy hates you [uhhh...likewise?]
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