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Quick note on the cancer t-shirts: I'm still working on them, but many of them are already up and available at the store (in addition to other products with the same sayings) for purchase. Even quicker note: the profits from these sales (above the fees) will be donated to cancer research organizations. Thanks again for all the suggestions.
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Okay. I get so much mail and I have to apologize for not having the time to respond to it all. I do, however, want to address a pattern that has cropped up lately in the mail that I've been getting: when I write about Idol? I get mail from people who don't watch Idol and are bored by it and/or want more advice entries. When I write the advice entries? I get mail that they're bored with the advice and want the Idol entries. Then there's the third group who don't much care for the advice AND the Idol entries and want to know just when I'm going to get back to the 'Gracie's a goofball' anecdotal stories about my life. Due to my job and the hockey writing gig, I don't have enough time to write about each of those subjects in every entry (ohhhh how I wish I did) but I do hear y'all and will do my best to even it out.
Some of you will be happy to hear that today's entry is about Idol. I promise, though, that the next entry (within the next few days) will contain funny stories.
Also, hockey should be over in about a month (unless the Thrashers make the play-offs, woohoo!), so that should free up some time, allowing me to write more than once a week. I'm tryin', guys, I really am. Please bear with me.
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So. Idol.
You KNOW I'm not going to be nice, right? Especially since this is...what? The fifth year the show has been on? And these people are STILL doing the same tired, silly shit? Come ON.
Let's start with the judges. I have nothing negative to say about Simon, because he is the only judge on the show who obviously knows his shit. He's been doing this for something like 25 years and is always dead-on (well...except when a contestant sings a country song. He never has and never will 'get' the whole country joking spoof thing and, therefore, is baffled by the songs and can't stand the tones, pitch, etc.) He's smart, funny, and just this side of arrogant. I love Simon. But Paula and Randy? Mo-RONS. Completely ignorant and bland. Stupid even. Seriously.
I'll begin with Randy: cannot STAND him. Dude has GOT to hire some new writers. He is so trite and predictable. That idiotic Dog Pound idea of his? Retarded. And even worse when he thinks he's complimenting a female contestant's performance by hollering to the male contestants sitting in the audience, with a raised, swirling fist: "Dog Pay-Oun! We gotta hot one heee-uhhhh! woot woot woot!" and forces these sweet, normal boys to follow his lead with yelling, whoops, and fist swinging. It's embarrassing and...dumb.
We then move onto his further predictability. This occurs when he is not going to give good news to a contestant...when he is less than impressed with a performance. 94% of the time he does one (or both) of two things: 1) As soon as the performance is over and the contestant turns to the judges for their comments, (Randy always goes first) and almost always asks the person (again, only if he's about to give a negative review) "Whattup, dog? How you doin'? You doin' aw-ite up day-uhh?" or 2) (and this can be done at any point in his review speech, but is usually done within the first 15-20 seconds) he will suck air through his teeth (usually followed by some variant of 'ssssss it was juss aw-ite fuh me, man." This = bad news. This = Randy's way of saying "I know how very, very much you value my opinion and I am just so terribly sorry that I have to break your heart with this news, but it just. has. to. be. said, dear."
Barf.
And then we have Paula. Poor, pitiful Paula. Who is baffled that she can't keep a man. Needy, clingy, Drunky McLush, slurs her words, can't keep her hands to herself, whiny-ass Paula. She has been wasted for 2 years now. Ever since she got gangrene on her thumb and discovered the joys of pills (mixed with liquor perhaps??) and it's embarrassing to watch her laugh uproariously at something that isn't at ALL funny. Which is pretty often, actually, because she has a terrible sense of humor. She isn't very bright, is overly-sensitive, and is high (or drunk) so she slurs something unintelligible or irrelevant or just plain idiotic and then rolls with laughter at it. It's like watching a train wreck about to happen...in slow motion. Painful.
As to her comments to the contestants? Useless. And insulting. When she can't fall all over herself with superficial praise for someone's performance, she actually thinks she's doing them a favor by telling them that they look beautiful. Simply because that is all that matters to her...surface, materialistic, useless, looks-based commentary. Ohhhh, and her comment last week to Mandisa? That she has "such a pretty FACE"?? Bitch. I am so SICK of people who say shit like that. Such a backhanded...not even compliment, because it's more rude than just calling them a straight-up fat ass. It's as though the person delivering this little gem is worried that if they just tell someone who's heavy that they're pretty? Without the qualification of "Face"? That the person may just go thinking they're actually pretty and may not REALIZE they're fat and need to lose some weight. Or that the person who is saying they're pretty is somehow endorsing their thunder thighs and we just can't have THAT now, can we?? So I better make sure that I say "pretty FACE" to keep them in line!
Assholes.
Let's just be completely clear here, hokay? Fat people know they're fat! They aren't under any illusions otherwise. They KNOW they should lose weight. They don't think they're pretty or okay just as they are. They wish they did. They wish that others did, too, but they know society and tabloids and media and movies and Hollywood and Playboy and the male 'visual' creature deal...all of it. They know. They get it. They do NOT need you to insult them, however subtly, with a 'pretty FACE' qualification. Got it? They beat themselves up -by the minute- more than you ever could. Don't go being a Jenny Craig hero, all-righty? If you can't just be nice and say "You're so pretty" without adding 'face'? Then shut. UP.
Thanks.
Back to Idol. I propose a drinking game wherein you have to drink a shot every time:
a) Paula tells someone that they're beautiful
b) Paula tells someone that America is Falling In Love with Them
c) Randy sucks air through his teeth before delivering an unfortunate review of someone's performance
d) Randy asks "Whattup dough-awg? How you doin' up der?" before delivering a negative review
e) Ryan makes a completely inappropriate sexual innuendo
f) Ryan tries his best to engage in witty repartee with Simon (and fails, looking stupid and like a love-sick puppy dog instead)
g) Ryan is towered over by a contestant (2 shots if the contestant is a female)
h) A contestant does the poop squat to denote that they're a Serious Performer who is So Very Into their song
i) Simon says "if I'm being honest" (drink one full beer if Simon does an analogy to cabaret, karaoke, broadway, or a bad restaurant)
j) Simon says "I'm not being RUDE here, BUT..."
k) The sound doesn't match the singer/song (band off - bad vocal coach - pitch = hideous)
l) Someone does the Alvin and the Chipmunks warble, trying desperately to imitate 'natural' singers (we have decided that it's the American Idol vocal coach who's doing this, because every year singers appear who sing just fine, then they're collared by the vocal coach and, suddenly, they start the wobbly voice action at the end of each verse. SO annoying. GOD I need to play this game!!)
m) a contestant holds their fingers up and smiles the phony clown-smile while their phone number is being read (2 shots if they also move their lips as though whispering their numbers. Must be done in tandem with the finger motions.)
Note: This game should only be played if you don't mind dying of alcohol poisoning.
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Here are my comments about the female contestants and their performances this week (on the March 7, 2006 show):
Paris: Hate her. She pretends that she's sweet and innocent and plays up her Mickey Mouse voice and tries to act all humble, but I see RIGHT through it. She is oh-so-proud of herself and wants to be sure we ALL know that she is, in fact, a princess, and that she is the only TRUE winner in this competition, especially because she has famous people in her family...it's her birthright. Beyond that, I don't like her performances. She may very well have a decent voice, but she is so concerned with bouncing throughout her songs, that I can't hear her voice. I only hear warbles and her out-of-breath wailing. She's much like minivan drivers here in Atlanta who are unable to drive properly. They are always doing 16 different things at once, the least of which is actually paying attention to the road and the other drivers. There is always a cellphone surgically attached to their head, they are always digging in their purse or on the floor for something, leaning back to talk to the kids (who are RARELY in seat belts) and it just seems that the most important job for them at the moment (DRIVING!) is the LEAST important task on their list. Paris is like that. Simply singing and showing her vocal skills and range ought to be her primary focus, yet she is so concerned with representing and bouncing (with that odd march/skip dance) and dancing and grinning and posing and acting 'oh-aren't-I-just-so-CUTE?!' that her voice suffers immeasurably. VERY annoying.
And you should just HEAR the news shows in Atlanta. She is apparently from some town nearby and the newscasters are just salivating over her. On Fox5 the other night, the news teaser showed a clip of her bounce-yelling and proclaimed her "Atlanta's own Paris WhateverHerLastNameIs: American Idol's STAND-OUT contestant!!!"
Um...knock knock morons! She is NOT the stand-out contestant. Hate to break it to you. Her voice is NOT the best in the competition. Why not just be honest, huh? She's from Atlanta, she is black, and she is related to famous people. Diana Digarmo is also from Atlanta and has an amazing, powerful voice and didn't get a TENTH of the news coverage Paris is getting. I had more typed up on this but unless you live here (and have for several years)? You won't get it or believe it and frankly I just don't need the aggro I'd get if I told the plain, harsh truth. So we'll just leave this as it is.
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Lisa Tucker: She's a very pretty girl ...when she isn't singing. I'm always surprised at performers who look scary when they sing (Hi Jessica Simpson! Hi John Mayer!!) You can't tell me they've never recorded themselves and watched it back and critiqued themselves. Hell, *I* have done it myself and I can NOT sing worth a crap. Shut up. You have, too! Okay, you thought about it! Whatever, leave me alone. We have a point to get to! Lisa. When she sings? She furrows her brow and scowls with a painful-looking pinched face and while I am feeling a mixture of delight and horror that the Poop Squat® is back yet again, I am also sad, because hers is doubly unfortunate due to her insistence on rolling her back into a hunch while she does the Poop Squat®, giving it the added oomph that makes it a true Poop Squat® O-Rama. At any rate, it was a bad song choice last night. She has a nice voice, but these people have got to get it through their heads that people want:
a) genuine sweetness and sincerity
b) something that makes you attractive, even if it's just a good voice or great fashion sense
c) a powerful song (whether it's powerful because of its message, or it's upbeat, or current, whatever. People want to be moved. MOVE THEM.)
So annoying when people don't take my advice. I could fix the world, I tell ya.
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Did anyone else notice the herculean effort Paula put forth trying to pretend she wasn't wasted? Or at least not as wasted as the last show?? Yeah, not buyin' it, sweets! But nice try!
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Who's that girl...the one who sang Heart's What About Love? I think she did a really good job with that song. Surprised me...wasn't expecting her voice to be that good. I was not, however, impressed with her outfit choice. I mean, I liked the outfit itself, but what the HELL IS WRONG WITH GIRLS TODAY WHO HAVE POOCH-Y STOMACHS YET INSIST ON WEARING LOW-RISE JEANS AND TIGHT, MID-RIFF BARING SHIRTS THAT HIGHLIGHT THE ROLLS??? And her outfit last night? With the low-rise jeans and the vest? It created a zoom-effect on her stomach...like a big ole cut-out of a triangle all "Look at me jiggle! Look at me! Poke me in the tummy and I'll sing Heee Heeee HEEEEE!!"
Hey, I am ALL about girls being real and normal and eating. BUH-LIEVE me. But if you don't have the abs goin' on? DON'T WEAR CLOTHES THAT HIGHLIGHT IT. It's gross. Cover that shit up.
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Commercial Break: The FUCK are BK's ad people smoking these days?? Ever since that freakish country & western, quasi-porn commercial a couple of years ago? The one with the swing? They just get more and more bizarre. Tonight, for instance. All I can recall about the commercial tonight was that they kept saying "Big Bucking Chicken. Git yerself some Big Bucking Chicken." The HELL? I can only assume that it's a nudge, nudge, wink, wink reference to Big Effing Chicken. Yeah. Big Effing WEIRD.
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Kinnik: The black Angelina Jolie. I swear, every time I see her, that's who I think of. Angelina Jolie...if she was black. Maybe it's her lips and bone structure? I dunno. George is convinced that she wasn't always a woman. Again...I dunno. What I *DO* know, however, is that she is going home. Very soon. She has an okay voice, but she chooses the worst songs to showcase said voice. And she doesn't have much personality or sense of comedic timing (not to mention comedic MATERIAL). To illustrate my point I offer the following:
Before each female performed, they did a little clip called "What America Would Be Surprised to Know About Me" and Kinnik's was that she loooooves her some chitlins. That's right...pig intestines. Yep. I know. Hurl. It's a southern thing and, despite the fact that I've been a southerner (technically) for 24 years now, I have never tried them, nor do I intend to. Just Ew. Anyway, she was discussing her love for chitlins and how, if you try to encroach on her pig intestines? She will CUT you. Only she didn't even manage to be mildly funny like that. It was uncomfortably humorless, yet she was laughing so hard at herself that she could barely speak. It was torturous. Please go home.
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Katharine McPhee: I love her. She's a normal, average girl. She isn't teeny-tiny, and she doesn't dress as though she is. She's cute, natural, laid-back, and goofy. In a good way. As in when she was talking to Ryan Seacrest after her song (about why she chose it and how pleased she was that the judges loved her Aretha Franklin impression) and she kept saying "Fun" ... "because it was fun" "well, I just wanted to do something fun" etc. and suddenly she stops mid-sentence and says "I keep saying the word 'fun' don't I? I can't stop!" and it was so cute and 'real' and THAT, my friends, is what America loves. Just a genuine, decent, talented, humble, NON-arrogant person. She will go far.
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Can I just mention here that I am highly disappointed that Idol producers are ignoring my emails and postings about Vote-Off Night? Because I am. WHO the HELL is the ignoramus who thought it was a brilliant idea to have the person with the LEAST amount of votes --the one who is being sent HOME-- sing their song AGAIN?! Seriously. This is absolute idiocy. And confirms my suspicion that at least a handful of the people running the show out there in Hollyweird have to have worked in the corporate world for quite some time, because this decision is so...so...counterintuitive.
Let's make this clear: We VOTED THEM OFF THE SHOW FOR A REASON! WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEM SING THE SONG WE HATED EVER AGAIN! HOW ABOUT REWARDING THE PERSON WITH THE M-O-S-T votes? How about we hear THAT song sung again? Why not reward our votes and effort and viewership by letting us be happily rid of the dolt who sucked the most and pleasing our ears with the BEST singer?! HELLO?! hello?
Eh. Screw it. American Idol couldn't afford me.
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Ayla: This girl is so odd. Not odd as a person, really, but in that when we saw her during the auditions, we really (or *I* really) thought she would go far and do extremely well in the competition. She has a great voice, is attractive, has sung at huge events before, etc. There was no reason not to assume that she would go far. And yet...she probably won't. I think she may be gone within the next couple of weeks, max. Her problem is that she has no personality. If she does? She is woefully inept at injecting her performances with it. She is a robot and here's how I see it:
She was told, at a very young age, that she was pretty and a good singer. Her parents may or may not be 'those' types of parents...the ones who constantly push and pressure their children to be the best at everything, to over-achieve. The kids are so desperate for attention and affection and acceptance from their family that they go overboard into Type-A mode and while they excel at many things, there isn't any passion or joy in any of their successes. It's mechanical and disappointing and boring and they're just one wrong turn away from Crack Whore Alley.
Personally? I think she's better suited (and prefers) basketball to singing. She merely wants this under her belt as a success (and probably not even for her, but her family and/or friends, as a tick-mark toward her Chart of How Great and Worthy I Am of Your Love, Especially Since Some Day I Am Going to Admit That I Am Gay And I'm Afraid You Won't Love Me Anymore.)
If she IS passionate about this? She needs to loosen up and just be herself. Let go of the perfectionist attitude and have fun. As she is now, she's forgettable and painful to watch. As though she has every single second of her performance mapped out and choreographed right down to her facial expressions and hair flips, and it's obvious.
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Ohhhh, here comes Paula's verbal diarrhea. She obviously didn't have anything good to say about Ayla's performance (she takes her cues from Randy most of the time) so she did a reeeeeally bad segue into Ayla's appearance (the mind REELS...such a shocker!) and asks her about her heels. She's wearing espadrilles and Paula comments on how much she likes them and asks her (!) how tall she is with those shoes on. Because, you know, all women measure their height when they put on new shoes, right? I sure do. My doorways are aaaalll marked up from my many forays into DSW-land. Anyway. Ayla guesses that her height with the shoes is around 6'3" and Paula's response? Oh, it's priceless (though indecipherable): "Good. Den ya can beeeeat us all out theeeey-ur."
The fuck are they GIVING her??
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Aw. Poor, short Ryan Seacrest.
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Mandisa: Wow. During her 'what America would be surprised to know' segment, she admits that she sucked her thumb until she was 24. Jesus. I mean, God love her for being comfortable enough with herself to admit it to millions of people. I certainly wouldn't. But whatever. Let's move on (because that's just disturbing). Mandisa has a wonderful voice. And she is beautiful (see how I didn't say 'she has a beautiful FACE'??) truly she is. Yes, she is a big ole girl. And the jeans she was wearing last night were not at all flattering or able to mask her size as her previous, dark outfits have done for her. Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily, it was just quite visible and...a little uncomfortable to watch. I felt like a giant ass for snickering at her song choice, especially with those jeans on. She sang "I'm Every Woman" and I slapped my hand over my mouth when I uttered, before I could stop myself, "Well, yes you are, missy, and a few men, too. Please don't eat me."
I know. I know. I am a big ole girl myself, and I KNOW that I have no business ragging someone else's size, but I also would never choose a song that would elicit such weight jokes as that one did.
Whatever. She has a wonderful voice and a wonderful attitude and I believe she will go far in this competition. I don't think America (what with their self-absorbed, celebrity-loving, anorexic worshipping, tabloid-a-holic mentality) will let her be the final winner, but I think she'll go farther than anyone expects her to.
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Ohhhh, and here we go with Rand-idiot Jackson. His opinion on her performance consisted of clapping and informing her "Yo, I'm givin' you yer props, here" and got the male performers to shout and whoop for her. As though Randy's props are all the confirmation her singing career needs to just SHOOT off into the atmosphere. I'm sorry...you were the forgettable guy in Journey. You worked with Mariah Carey a hundred years ago and STILL feel the need to drop her name like a melted ice cream cone. Please just sit n' look pretty, wouldja? Because you. are. KILLING ME!!
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Kellie. Oh, how I love Kellie. George does, too. She is just so adorable. So innocent. Not very bright, but so humble and sweet. Lovably clueless. She has a great attitude, a great voice, and her story is moving. Her parents are absent (at least one of them is in jail) and she is doing this contest all on her own. My heart just aches for her. She says some of the dumbest things, yet it doesn't make you want to smack her a good one, but instead makes you want to hug her. Like when she talks about all the new foods she's eating out there in Los Angeles. Things like salmon. But she's not from 'round these parts, so she pronounces it 'SALL-min' and she talked about calamari and how she could live her whole life without trying THAT again. And she had her first spinach salad last week and it was...well...different. Simon clearly feels the same way. Last night he called her a minx. She asked what that was and he said 'a naughty nice girl' and she said "Like a calamari?" and, god help me, I just cracked up and wanted to climb through the television to hug her tight. She also misheard his pronunciation and kept saying "Ahm a Mank, huh? MANK! What? Oh. Sorry. MINK. Sah-mon says ahm a MINK!" She's just a sweetie, is what I'm saying. She will go VERY far in this competition. Perhaps to the very end.
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This week the bottom three females will be: Paris, Kinnik, and Ayla.
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Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
girl shitting on birthday cake photo
naked fat woman farting out there ass [as opposed to skinny women farting out 'there' armpit??]
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i like poop
vacuum stinks
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when can you diaper me with other women [3 minutes after monkeys fly outta my ass??]
does black pussy smell? [good GOD.]
is it okay to pee in the sink? [noooo!]
white woman farting on black woman
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jewish nicknames
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"hello kitty pistol"
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