As I mentioned yesterday, I recently had The Talk with The Kiddo. You know the talk...also known as The Birds & The Bees. Oh, yes, the joy of all joys...discussing sex with your teenager.
I've had talks with him before, throughout his childhood, about various related things...changing bodies, hormones, etc., and have bought him several books so that he could learn without the humiliation of Mom being involved and also offered to answer any and all questions he might have, though --as expected-- he didn't have many. The health classes really do a good job these days, apparently, plus he had the books and I've been very open with him since around the time he could walk and talk, as I am a) just not that repressed or uncomfortable with those sorts of things and b) it's important. Very important, I feel, that children have as much information as possible to go along with the morals and decency we try to instill. I've also spent countless years subtly and gently teaching him how to treat women. He's gathered quite a bit on his own, I'm sad to say, by watching how his mom was treated (crappily!) by a few choice men and seeing my pain (no matter how hard I worked at hiding it from him) and he has turned into an incredibly intuitive, sensitive, loving young man. I could not be more proud. Not only of him and how he's turning out, but that I managed to raise him so well considering what an utter MESS I was and all the rotten choices I made for the first ohhhh decade of his life.
Having said that, when he informed us a few weeks ago that he had obtained his very first girlfriend, panic washed over me. All that calm, serene certainty that he was decent and responsible? OUT the window. He IS a boy, y'know. At his hormonal peak...with a HOT (SUPER HOT!) girlfriend. I had visions of this wonderful, full-of-potential young man being a father this time next year. His life would be over before it began. Now, that's not to say that having a child this young is a total death sentence; I know it's worked out just fine for plenty of people and that there are kajillions of kids out there who turned out just fine on both ends, but no parent wishes such early adulthood for their children...me included.
So, as soon as he mentioned that he had a girlfriend and that they would be hanging out together over the next few days (both sets of parents work full-time,) I immediately decided that this was the time for...The Talk. As well as I thought I handled the whole thing, I am oh-so-thankful that I have George around to remind me that I am...a freak. That I am NOT as subtle and profound as I thought I was; aaaaand that I was hilariously uncool throughout the whole process. Great.
I'll let you decide for yourselves. Let me set the scene:
George and I are on the couch watching hockey. Kiddo is upstairs in the computer room playing a game and talking on the phone to The One. He comes to the top of the stairs, which looks over the living room where we are currently situated, and grins a goofy "iiii like GIRLS!" grin and informs us of his new coupled status. We aren't quite sure how to respond, so we smile and offer variations of "That's so great!" and "Nice!" Satisfied that we agree that he is the Studmeister, he goes back to his game.
Here's the rest of the dialogue:
Gracie: *to George* "Uh-oh."
George: "What?"
Gracie: "He has a girl. friend."
George: "...yeah?"
Gracie: "I can't remember if I told him about sex...."
George: "I'm sure you did. Besides, we've always been really open and he and I have discussed things here and there...I'm sure he's fine."
Gracie: "No. He needs it in FULL and NOW."
George: "Why are you getting so worked up?"
Gracie: "Didn't you hear him?? He has a GIRLFRIEND"
George: "Yeah...so? They just started going together...relax, sweetie."
Gracie: "No. Uh-uh. I was a teenager...you were, too. I remember how stupid I was and how quickly some things could get out of control. Also, I remember YOUR stories of being his age. Dude...he HAS to have The Talk."
George: "Sigh. Okay, okay."
Just then, The Kiddo walked by on his way to his room to take a shower. I asked him:
Gracie: "Sweetie? Tell me about this girl...what's she like?"
Kiddo: "I dunno."
Gracie: "Come on...yes you do. How do you know her?"
Kiddo: "School."
Gracie: "What's she LIKE?"
Kiddo: "I dunno...nice?"
Gracie: "Can I have more than 1 word answers, here? Please?"
Kiddo: *Huge exaggerated 'You're wasting SO MUCH OF MY LIFE WITH QUESTIONS, LADY!' sigh* "Mom, she's very nice. She's smart and funny, too"
Gracie: "That's great, honey, excellent! What does she look like?"
Kiddo: "oooooo, she's SO HOT. She's tall and has blonde hair and she's all tan and stuff and she's just really super HOT!"
Gracie: *Blinks 36 times and mutters unintelligibly and he takes that as his cue to escape and trots on down to his intended destination.* Once he's out of the room, I turn and say to George: "SEE???"
George: "Yeah...yeah I do"
Gracie: "Okay, then." and I yell to The Kiddo: "Come back and see me after your shower....We Need to Talk!"
The Kiddo, looking inCREDIBLY put out, agrees.
While he's gone, George and I discuss what should be said and by whom. Mostly George discusses this as he knows how I am and feels that the child will be utterly SCARRED if the ENTIRE talk comes from his mother. I don't see the big deal, especially since it isn't necessarily a BAD thing, in my opinion, if my son finds himself in a somewhat...portentous situation and suddenly his mom's FACE pops into his head. George thinks this is disgusting; I further elaborate that it's because it will gross him out and NO sex will be had and we may even get lucky enough to find that it's yeeeears before he's able to ....you know.
George: *stares at me for close to a full minute before informing me, with bafflement: "....there is SO much wrong with you."
Gracie: "Hey! It can ruin his life before it even BEGINS! Also...I am just not EVEN interested in being a grandmother right now."
George: "Ohhhhh, so THAT'S what this is about!"
Gracie: "that is not ALL this is about. It's incredibly important that he has adequate information about safe sex and responsibility"
George: "Aaaaand how not to make you a grandmother before you're 40!"
Gracie: "Shut up."
George: *Sings a really stupid song about Gracie and her psychosis and being a grandma*
Gracie: *Gets up and begins walking up the stairs*
George: "Where ya goin'?? I'm not done yet!"
Gracie: "To get condoms."
George: *Amazingly...he forgets his song* "Oh. GOD. Are you SERIOUS!?!?!"
Gracie: "Of course I'm serious. He needs to be prepared for LIFE"
George: *Wipes face with hand in his typical 'what the HELL did I marry INTO?!' gesture.
After about a half hour and George insisting that he be the one to deliver the gift of rubber to the boy, the kiddo comes up from his shower, having NO IDEA what he's in for.
Fade In...
Gracie: "Come here, honey, we need to talk."
Kiddo: "What? What'd I do??"
Gracie: "Nothing, sweetie, you aren't in trouble."
Kiddo: *Relaxes...momentarily*
Gracie: "Sweetie? I want to make sure that you're prepared here."
Kiddo: "...for what?" (Ooooohhhh, he'll forever regret THAT question...)
Gracie: "...do you know about safe sex, hon?"
Kiddo: *Horrified...he simply stares at me much like what you'd imagine a person would do if you just told him that you will be chopping off their most beloved appendage and FEEDING it to the dog for supper...through his ASS*
Gracie: "...because it's important"
Kiddo: *Refuses to make eye contact* "I K-N-O-O-O-W!"
Gracie: "...and while I hope that you'll wait until you're in love and married, I also know that things sometimes...happen."
Kiddo: "Oh GOD."
Gracie: "Well...they do. And you should be prepared. You should always use a condom."
Kiddo: "OH GOD!!!" *turns head and looks at anything but me*
Gracie: "...because you don't want to get a disEASE or get someone PREGnant..."
Kiddo: "I KNOW!!!!"
Gracie: "...and you should be very polite and respectful of her and never push yourself on her or force anything or make anybody do anything THEY don't want to do, nor should you allow yourself to be talked into doing something YOU don't want to do."
Kiddo: *makes noise that sounds very similar to crying* "Mom. I WOULDN'T!!"
Gracie: "Well, good. I'm glad."
Then George attempts to alleviate some of The Kiddo's stress with: "Cause if ya knock her UP? Y'all are NOT livin' here, man!"
Kiddo: "Heh."
Gracie: "Oh nice. VERY nice."
Kiddo: "Can I GO now??"
Gracie: "Well...don't you want to TALK about this?"
Kiddo: *repeats horrified look* "are you HIGH!?"
Gracie: "Do you have any questions?"
Kiddo: "Uuuummm...NOOOOO!"
Gracie: "Well...okay, then. Just...please remember to..."
Kiddo: "I KNOW!! BE SAFE!!! GOD!"
After he makes his hasty exit and hauls ass away from me, George chuckles and makes fun of me and I huffily turn on him and ask WHY he didn't do HIS part of The Talk and hand over the...supplies.
George: "I will"
Gracie: "Oh? WHEN??"
George: "Don't wooooorrrrrryyyyy"
Gracie: "But...he NEEDS to KNOW!"
George: "I know."
Gracie: "And it's..."
George: *Interrupts Gracie all smart-like* "...Very Important. GOT it. Would you CHILL please??"
Gracie: "Hey! That's my BABY up there! And for Aaaaall we know, she could just JUMP his BONES tomorrow 5 minutes after we leave for WORK!"
George: "are you freakin' kiddin' me with this??"
Gracie: "no I am NOT. She just seems very awfully aggressive is all. SHE approached HIM at that party...SHE worked out all the phone number exchangin'...SHE calls HIM...SHE tells HIM to ask her on a date...SHE told HIM they were boyfriend/girlfriend, HO-kay??"
George: "wuuuhh...buuhh...no...see..."
Gracie: "And let's just not let ourselves forget that she's super-duper-HOT, either!"
George: *Pats Gracie's head patronizingly* "It's okay, MOM, really. Relaaaaax" Which is just Gracie's oh-so-favorite comment from men "I. will. HANDLE. it. When the time is right."
Just then, The Kiddo comes downstairs to grab a snack from the kitchen, careful to pretend we don't exist and that conversation never happened
Gracie: "Sweetie?" and his shoulders sag and he hangs his head "Just one more thing, babe..." then --according to George, who I SO don't agree with, just so ya know-- I turn to George and say "GO!" expecting him to deliver HIS end of the bargain. He claims I put him on the spot and expected him to launch into it right then and there.
WRONG. I just expected him to take The Kiddo into another room and have the rest of The Talk THERE. Okay?
Now they BOTH look like Deer in Headlights Syndrome is sweeping the nation and they both just HAVE to hop on THAT bandwagon and George hisses at me to stop it and leave it alone and so it becomes clear to me that he isn't going to do it, so instead I say to The Kiddo: "I also want you to remember that you are never to be alone with her when the parents aren't home. She is not to come HERE when we're not home and YOU are not to go THERE when HER parents aren't home, okay?" The Kiddo gives me a weary and teenager-appropriate "YYYyyyEEEESSS, MMMMOOOOOOMMM!" and looks in my general direction (but not at me, of course) as if to ask if he can please please PLEASE be released from this prison, so I grant him temporary parole and he dashes to the pantry, yanks out the first thing he sees, and tears ass back to the computer room.
Moments later, he is --I'm sure-- highly pissed at himself for not remembering to grab a drink and tiptoes (hahaha as though I'll let him pass unharmed!) back to the kitchen and I just can't help myself...
Gracie: "Kid...one more thing...come here for just a sec."
Kiddo: *Clearly cursing his forgetfulness and internally vowing to never leave the computer room ever. again.*
Gracie: "...and I want you to know...you shouldn't do it. Seriously, sweetie, you're too young and you have plenty of time for that LATER, so...just...don't do it. Just...don't. But...you know...if you DO...wear a CONDOM."
Kiddo: "MOM!!!"
Gracie: "Okay, okay, go. I'm done. Also, here..." and I hand him the gel he asked me to pick up earlier that day so he could start Rico Suave-ing his hair now that chicks dig him and all, and he is immediately fascinated with the bottle and all things hair and swiftly changes the subject and asks me how it's used and what to do and I explain to him all these things and tell him to use the guest bathroom where my hairdryer currently resides and to call me if he has any trouble.
He is nothing but a blur to get the hell out of my grasp and I soon hear the hairdryer start up and I turn to George and bug him until he agrees to go up there and deliver the condoms and his half of The Talk. Clearly he is not happy about this. In fact...he is wearing much the same facial expression that The Kiddo had on just moments ago. He walks up the stairs like Dead Man Walking, marching to his death, and I hear him knock on the bathroom door and I imagine my son rolling his eyes and sagging his shoulders and dreading what's coming and asking God when the HELL this night will END ALREADY??
I expect George to be gone for at LEAST 10 minutes, if not more.
30 seconds later he emerges from the bathroom, completely red-faced, highly embarrassed and what looks to be a sincere desire to shoot me dead.
Gracie: "What...what happened?? Why are you back so soon??"
George: "Because we're done."
Gracie: "Seriously?? That soon??"
George: "Yes, okay??"
Gracie: "No. Tell me. What happened?? What'd you say?"
George: "Well...you know...do I have to????"
Gracie: "Duh. Of course."
George: "Fine. See...I was going to not just give him the condoms, but...well...he needs to know how to put them on, okay? It's not just something guys know how to do and big mistakes can happen if it's done the wrong way and it can also be embarrassing as hell, so I was going to give them to him and then take one and, using my fingers as...uhh...a...well...PROP if you will...show him the correct way to put one on."
Gracie: "Right, right, of course...it's not a SOCK and all...same thing with girls and tampons when they first get their periods, I know."
George: *even more horrified* "AAAAOOOOHHH!! NO! We are NOT talking about that!! Jesus!"
Gracie: "Jeeez. Fine...go on"
George: "...god this sucks. Okay...so I knock on the door and he lets me in and he already looks like 'gawwwwddddddd, no MORE! WHAT NOW???' and I feel bad for him, but I have to do this, so I go in there and close the door and it's all cramped in there anyway, and I am so uncomfortable and I hand him the condoms and tell him that we want him to take them and use them if the need arises and then I say "Now, I'm going to show you how to put one on" and ohhh, SHIT, Grace, the poor kid's eyes turned into friggin soccer balls and he starts backing away, traumatized, and I realize that he doesn't KNOW that I mean using my FINGERS as the...you know...penis...he...oh god...thinks I mean BY EXAMPLE with the CORRECT TOOLS!!! Like I'm just gonna wwwwhhhiiiipp it on out and show him! OR WORSE...make HIM do it!!!! GAAAWWWWD!!"
Gracie: *Dies laughing*
George: "it's NOT FUNNY"
Gracie: "Ooooooh but it is!! Oh, poor kiddo!"
George: "POOR KIDDO!? Well..yeah...poor kiddo, but WHAT ABOUT ME!? I felt like a PERVERT!!!"
Gracie: "haaaahahahahahahahaha. DUDE! What did he SAY!?"
George: "Well, I freaked out and waved my hand around in front of me goin' "NO! NO! with my HAND! No body parts! no! NOT LIKE THAT!! It's cool!"
Gracie: "ahahahahaha"
George: "...and then he's all beet red and embarrassed and he won't look at me and he's all 'no, man, it's cool, it's ...I'm ...no thanks. We learned how in Health class, man. Seriously. No thanks' and so I just want to die and I just leave the condoms on the counter and walk out"
Gracie: "heh. hehehehe."
George: "Jesus."
Sadly, for The Kiddo, he still had to pass by me one more time and, much to the chagrin of The Kiddo and George, I had to do it one more time. George was getting highly annoyed with me that I couldn't just let it go, but there was one last important piece of information I had to impart. So I called him over as he tried to escape from the guest bathroom back to his room.
Gracie: "Kiddo??? C'mere, hon. Just one more thing..."
And he gives me the 'yeah RIGHT' look
Gracie: "No, really. This is the last thing and then we never have to discuss it again. Ever. SERIOUSLY. Whatever you do...do NOT tell her that we gave you condoms, okay? Cause it will CREEP her OUT."
And his reply? The one that let me know that we were done here?
Kiddo: "Mom? Frankly? ***I*** am creeped out right now, okay???"
Yep. Good times.
