So...I had my first Lesbian Kiss this weekend.
Funny...I don't feel any different. And George assures me that a divorce is not necessary (at ALL).
Oh, all right. I'm guessing that I can't just leave ya hangin' like this, so here are the gory details. Enjoy (pervs!):
We went to a non-New Year's Eve party at Heidi's place on Saturday and lots n' lots of old (and new) friends were there, several of whom I hadn't seen in years. I always love Heidi's parties, as they're always laid back and mellow, there's always terrific food and beverages, and I never leave without cheek cramps from all the laughter. I treasure those times.
I've no doubt whatsoever that this night will stand out even among the others and not just because of the Lesbian Kiss (LK®). Another interesting reason is that I met someone that night who already knew aaaaall about me. That's right...I met a reader. S. introduced himself as a big fan of this site and said he thought I was hysterical. I, of course, was caught so off-guard by this that I became (even MORE of) a bumbling idiot and freaked out so badly that I would wreck his 'image' of me by observing me in my natural habitat (where nothing is scripted and I have NO control over his perception of me... Quel HORROR!), that I promptly acted like a complete moron, have NO idea what I said immediately following our introduction, and totally forgot his name.
SMOOTH, Grace. Livin' up to our own name, now aren't we??
Thankfully I calmed down and we ended up hanging out most of the evening and I never once forgot his name after my initial dorkiness. Hopefully he still likes this site (and me!) and that the other night was just the first in a long line of hysterical get-togethers.
That is...if he promises to never, EVER make fun of the sound I made in connection with the LK ever again.
Seriously, S., NEVER again.
Okay, okay, let me set it up for you all. Like I said, there were people there who I haven't seen in years. One of those people was Pumpkin Louise, who a) is the reason George and I finally started dating (cause my dumb ass saw them talking in a bar one night ohhhh seven years ago, heads together and mouths to ears, and while they were likely discussing the merits of existential haiku, *I* assumed they were Doin' It and the thought of having to watch my best friend [upon whom I'd been 'crushing' for the better part of a YEAR] date other people...ohhhhh no, no and, um HELL no...so I promptly made my intentions known to our dear Georgie...the rest being history, n' all) and b) she and her husband flew to Vegas with us (and 40 others) two years later and were the signed witnesses at our oh-so-classy nuptials. Yep, they can vouch for the shaved-chested-Mexican-Elvis who married us.
I was thrilled to see her at the party, not only because of the aforementioned greatness, but also because she is just about the kindest, most compassionate person you'll ever meet, and also...she's hilarious. Truly. Often without meaning to be, which makes it all the more endearing. For a refresher on Louise, read the last portion of This Entry.
Moving along, about an hour into the party, many of us migrated out to the driveway, as only about half a dozen of us are smokers and we're too polite to pollute Heidi's home, so while we only meant to spend a few minutes slugging away on tar and nicotine n' shit, it turned into five HOURS out there, as people kept coming and going and the stories were great and the laughter was aplenty, and ...whatever. On to the LK cause I know, by now, most of you pervs are only skimming anyway...
So Pumpkin Louise starts a new story about how, while she misses all of us, she's glad she no longer works with us, because it means she no longer has to deal with a Certain Someone who always gave her the creeps. Each time they would see each other in the hall, he would do a Certain Something that just ooked her out. She chose to describe this not with WORDS, but with actions (and in front of about 12 other people, my husband included). She was about seven or eight feet away from me, all of us being mostly in a circle, and as she's describing the actions of this person, she suddenly walks purposefully toward me and gets right in my face. I'm a little taken aback, but I figure she's trying to show how this Certain Someone Who Creeps Her Out is a Close-Talker and she wants to show just how inappropriately he invades her personal space. Mission accomplished, right?
WRONG!! I was soooo utterly mistaken as that is so NOT what she was going to display. Nope. Apparently Mr. FreakyDeaky would plant a big fat kiss on our Pumpkin Louise--on the mouth--each time he would see her. And they barely knew each other! Which...actually...isn't the weirdest part of the story. No, the weirdest part is that she felt the story was utterly meaningless unless she SHOWED us all what a kiss looked like.
And I was the unwitting partner in her performance.
I realized, at the last second--and too late--what she was going to do and I tried (unsuccessfully, of course) to lean my head back away from her, but she grabbed my neck and ...laid one on me. And it wasn't just a quick peck, no no. It lasted about 10 minutes. Okay, okay, more like 4 seconds, but whatever. The last thing I remember is making a ridiculous Shocked 'n Alarmed sound (and hearing S. crack UP and mimic said sound). The only way I can describe it is what an 80-year-old woman who got goosed by a hot young whippersnapper would sound like, sort of a: "ohhh-OOOO-uuhhh!" which wouldn't be so humiliating if it hadn't been so completely SHRILL and witnessed by a dozen people, including coworkers and...drum roll please...my BOSS. I guess...to be fair, if I were any of them I would have laughed my ass off, too.
STILL, though.
So she kisses me and just...walks back to her spot in the circle and continues with her story, leaving me a wildly-blinking mess. I have NO idea what just happened or why (it would be many, MANY minutes later before I realized what the story was actually about, and probably YEARS before I understand why I was chosen as her prop). Someone walked over and opened their wallet, pulling out cash and cheerfully exclaiming that usually people have to PAY for that shit, waahh-haa! As for George...I have no idea what his face did, as I was too concerned with remaining upright, but I do know that he left to obtain more (MUCH more) scotch. Others were merely giggling and snorting.
I managed to compose myself somewhat, and I looked over at P. (she of the Strip-Casablanca) and mouthed "wwwhhhat thhhhheee FUUUUUCK waaaaas THHHHAAAAAT!?!?" and she came over to 'discuss'. She also mentioned, a bit later, that she was doubly wounded that I received the mouth action, as she not only had issues with the Certain Someone always ignoring her at work, but what was wrong with HER that SHE wasn't the designated kiss-ee for Pumpkin Louise (PL), huh?? So I hollered over to her, "Hey! Would you please KISS P.?? She's all jealous n' shit!" to which PL willingly complied, much to the delight of all penises in attendance.
I can't be sure, but I believe I even heard my husband exclaim, gleefully and with speech smeared by alcohol, "Dude! TWO girl kisses in one NIGHT! This is GRRRREAT!!!"
A little while later, and with the aid of her own ration of liquor, P. (I can't remember why now) explained that we needed to hurry (NO idea what needed to be hurried) cause she had to go and have ...relations... with her husband soon and my brilliant reply was, "Excellent! YER gettin' laid...I just had my first Lesbian Kiss...looks like we're ALL gettin' lucky a-night!"
Yes, the party was certainly surreal. George feels it was doubly delicious because of LK, of course, but also because earlier that evening, I was outside smoking without him and as he came to find me for a cigarette break he rounded the corner to see me chatting with C. and her husband and apparently it looked like C. was offering me her breast. She wasn't actually offering it to me. It was more like we were being catty and making jokes and somehow...cupping our boobs punctuated the snark.
Whatever. I don't know.
(and ...minds up and outta the gutter, please...it was our OWN boobs we cupped, not each other's)
And while all of that up there was certainly entertaining and memorable? The ride home far surpassed it due to the rehashing of The Event. I offer you the conversation as it occurred in the car between there and here, though part of what (I think) makes it funny is that it was broken up by long periods of silence (thought and reflection, perhaps? Who's to say!):
Gracie: "That was...that was...um..."
George: "Yeah. It was."
Gracie: *silence while driving since husband drank approximately 37 glasses of pure scotch, diluted only by a few ICE CHIPS and she's afraid that any form of speaking at all will result in more WOOOOO!-ing and/or McClooood flashbacks*
Silence = no such luck.
George: "Hee. My wife kissed a GIRL!"
Gracie: "Oh god. Here we go"
George: "And, you know, I'm just not sure how I ...feel about that."
Gracie: "What do you mean...? Are you mad?"
George: "No, no...not mad, just...not....SURE."
Gracie: "I don't understand 'Not Sure'. Are you...what? Jealous?"
George: "I don't know...I mean, if it was a GUY? I'd be pissed off. But if it was a guy friend and he was just making a point in a story? Still not happy, but not really pissed off and throwing punches. And besides, it's...Pumpkin Louise, and she's so sweet and she wouldn't do anything malicious, so I'm not MAD, just...confused...not sure how to feel. I feel...funny."
Gracie: "GOOOOOD funny??" *nudge nudge*
George: "Hornball. Shuddup. I mean...funny in the 'I just saw someone kiss my WIFE' sense...that's all."
Gracie: "No, I understand. I mean, if it was someone we didn't know? In a bar? And she was ... yanno...coming on to me or something? That'd be different..."
George: "Right! Exactly!"
Gracie: "But it was Pumpkin Louise...and she's ...a friend. An old coworker, even. And she didn't mean anything by it. ...at least...I don't THINK she did. No, no. Of course she didn't. That's just her. Not embarrassed by stuff, just...making a point...."
George: "Right, right."
Gracie: "It's just that..."
George: "I KNOW"
Gracie: "I wasn't expecting that."
George: "YES!"
Gracie: "And it was a little...weird."
George: "It was"
Gracie: "And...surreal..."
George: "Oh Yeah!!"
Gracie: "So you aren't MAD then...right?"
George: "Oh no...not at all. In fact, hehehe....I think...well I think it's kinda..." *sheepish and kid-like* "...HOT..."
And I can hear it in his voice...the alcohol combined with the movement of the vehicle...it's about to get much less subdued in here. And I'm right, because here's what came next....
George: "Yooooou kissed a GIIIIIRRRRR-RRUUUHLLLL! YOOOOOOUUU KISSED a GURRRR-UHL!!"
I can't talk to him when he's like this.
Thankfully something shiny caught his attention and he started "WOOO!" -ing out the window and launched into a few "McCloooood" chants, followed by periods of silence wherein I decided to steer the conversation elsewhere to avoid the My Wife Likes GIRLS song:
Gracie: "Prolly I should learn to shut my trap. I went waaaay overboard in the Sharing Department tonight."
George: "Whaaaat? Naaaaah!"
Gracie: "No really. I did. My boss was out there when I was talking to C., and I just ....I couldn't shut up. I heard myself and in my head I'm going 'dude! shut UP! he does NOT want to KNOW this about you!!' but I couldn't make my mouth cooperate. I'm sure he wishes I would."
George: "whatEVER. You kissed a CHICK!"
Gracie: "oh. my. GOD. You have GOT to let this go."
George: "Nope."
Gracie: "....."
George: "....."
Gracie: *Decides to take a different tack* "She's not a bad kisser, though, I have to say. I mean, I can't lie about that...not to YOU, honey."
George: *groans*
Gracie: "Whaaaat?"
George: "Nothing. Just....nothing."
Gracie: *thoughtfully* "It was very...soft, too."
George: "Ohhhh, no no NO! You cannot SAY stuff like that!"
Gracie: "Why?"
George: "Just....nevermind."
So we got home and, as always, our dogs just could not beLIEVE that we came back, and especially after being GONE so LONG, too! Which, of course, meant that they had to greet us in an utter frenzy of paws, claws, and polka-dotted tongues. And of COURSE George couldn't just let the damned incident DIE.
George: "Hi Bailey! Helloooo! Who's a good dog? huh? WHOOOOO'S a goooood doggie?" (clearly Bailey feels that she, in fact, IS a good doggie, and wiggles to prove it) "Hey Bail, guess whut?"
Bailey: *crickets chirping*
Bastard Husband: "Mommy's a LESBIAN"
Gracie: "Oh you just shut. UP."
BH: *still to the dog* "kin you say whore? THAT'S a good girl...say 'whooooore!'"
Gracie: *Throws something--hard--at George*
BH: "Mommy kissed a girl!"
Gracie: "I'm WARNING you, buster!"
George: "It's okay, honey...I'M a lesbian TOO!"
Sigh.
