Angst Advice Column...

Gracie,

I don't usually write others about my problems, but I don't know where or who to turn to. I'm depressed. Have been for a while. But it's gotten to the point that I am starting to not function, I procrastinate for hours until the last moment to do something, sometimes it doesn't even get done. I'm lonely, I have a boyfriend who's away at college a state away. (I'm male) And I'm lonely, anti-social, and I think i'm starting to go a little crazy.

I feel semi-bi-polar at times. I'm a shy person, I don't generally like to socialize with random people, friends are ok, but the group of friends I had disbanded and moved away a few at a time. So I haven't gotten any new friends yet. I'm trying not to just ramble on, but I don't know what to do.

T.

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Gracie's Advice:

First I have to suggest that you make an appointment with a doctor to rule out clinical depression or a manic-depressive disorder. Every city has a health clinic that will see anyone regardless of insurance or ability to pay, and nearly all of them having sliding scales based on income level (and, in fact, will give the treatment FREE if you have no income.)

Depression isn't something that you can just 'get over' or cure by wishing it away. It is a chemical issue inside your brain and can be treated. If your leg was broken...if you had diabetes or a thyroid problem, you wouldn't sit at home and beat yourself up for not curing it by self-will, right? It's 2006, it's not psycho-babble, and there are hundreds of treatment options available to you. Please explore them.

Once depression or other disorders are ruled out, it may be found that this is just a blue period for you...a phase. I'm guessing that you're in your early to mid-twenties, right? Although I need to stress the importance of medical treatment (especially since you do sound --and feel that you are-- depressed) in the meantime, you may find some comfort in knowing that this is a common feeling at your age. You've spent more than 3/4 of your life in school with groups of people, a steady routine, in a mostly insular environment. Suddenly you're kicked out of the nest into the 'real' world and expected to instantly become a Grown-Up who knows exactly what he wants to do with his life. It's daunting, lonely and scary, especially since most of us never truly feel grown up, nor do many of us ever really feel convinced of what it is we're meant (or want) to do. We all go through it at some point in our lives. That doesn't make it any easier to get on top of, unfortunately, but it can be done with the right combination of treatment, behavior modification, resolve and repetition.

And look, despite your comment about being shy and not liking 'random' socialization...perhaps it'll do you good to move outside your comfort zone a bit. Think about it...your current friends were strangers once, right? So take a chance. I would suggest joining a club, a sport, taking extra classes (cooking, creative writing, quilting, etc.) where you will see the same people on a regular basis...people you are likely to have something in common with, even if it's only that event or class. Can't afford that? Check your local paper, bulletin board, craigslist.com, or elsewhere for a book club, hobby group, or try to stir up a regular guys-night-out. You can even go so far as to host a Pampered Chef party at your place. Who knows?

Some people find that keeping a journal (online or otherwise) is very therapeutic, as well. Hell, look what it's done for me! And I was the QUEEN of depression and panic disorder. It was hell on earth for a while there, but once I took the scary and difficult step of admitting I had a problem and needed help, it finally got easier. And I learned some incredibly valuable, life-long lessons for coping, and I made some wonderful, long-lasting friendships, as well. The fact that I now have a successful and widely-read website (from what started as a journal to keep the panic at bay and to make my friends and family laugh) is just icing on the cake. You may have that inside of you, too. Won't know until you try, right? Give it a go!

Also, have you thought about online gaming? It's not for everyone, but there are many options that range from World of Warcraft, City of Heroes, and The Mafia Boss, to PartyPoker.com and ClubPogo.com (which offers free team and individual games like poker, word games, puzzles, and more and you can choose to play with others --with or without the chat option-- or by yourself) and some offer prizes, to boot.

Bottom line: You've already recognized that there is a problem, which is the first --and sometimes hardest-- step. The next is to do something about it. It's not easy taking that step out the door and toward a doctor's office, but you know that it needs to be done. One of the hallmarks of depression is ignoring treatment...please don't fall into that trap. Grab yourself by the bootstraps, find a doctor, have some tests run, look into some general therapy. If you don't like the first doc? Find another. Don't like him? Keep trying. Eventually you will find one who understands you and with whom you feel comfortable, and together you can come up with a workable strategy and treatment plan.

Take care of you and be gentle with yourself. Good luck honey.

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Grace & George,

Is it okay to pee in the bathroom sink? My wife monopolizes the potty and I've gotten tired of waiting. I'm tall enough and everything lines up right. And I always run some water to rinse everything out. What's the problem? The best my wife can come up with is, "That's nasty." Well I think I'm right and I'm not ready to stop. Please tell me if I'm right or, if I'm wrong, how to stop.

Yearning to Pee Freely
(Please don't post my real name)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Gracie's Advice:

Dear ohhhh how I want to,

Okay...the fact that you don't want me to post your real name lets us all in on what you HAVE to know is the truth: that peeing in the sink is just wrong. Aside from the 'EW' factor...dude: WHAT is wrong with your toilet?? Your wife can't be on the potty 24 hours a day. If she really does spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, develop a plan whereby each time she heads that way, jump up and say "Hang on one sec...let me just pee real quick before you go in there." It's what George and I do and it works quite well and nary a sink in our home is stained yeller. Barring that, why not do what millions of men have done before you?? PEE IN THE SHOWER. There is also the option of getting one of those portable pee jugs or, better yet, peeing outside. You do have 'outside' where you live, don't you? Even if you live in an apartment building or a tree-less neighborhood, there are so many other options, so WHY on earth would you choose the sink? I'm assuming you mean the bathroom sink and not the kitchen, yes? Both are *shudder* worthy, but why would you want to urinate where people brush their teeth or clean dishes and utensils that will be eaten off of? Is this a control thing? A passive-aggressive way of releasing anger toward your wife or someone else? What? WHY? Just WHY??

Okay. Let me calm down. Look. I'm sure there are people who will bring up the point that urine is sterile enough to drink for sustenance in the bizarre, lost-on-a-mountain-cause-my-plane-crashed-and-I-may-die-if-I-don't sort of situation, so I'm not going to lecture you on the bacteria factor (though my germ-a-phobe, OCD self reeeeally wants to) so we'll just focus on you and the why of it, because I think it's important that you ask yourself that question. To find out why it's so important to you. Especially when you have a spouse who is so obviously upset by it. Is it really that hard to wait? Or to ask her if you can go first since your 'job' will take less than a minute? I have to say that this sounds an awful lot like a passive-aggressive "I'll show HER" sort of deal.

Obviously this is all just speculation. Perhaps you're just a lazy-ass who doesn't want the stress of aiming and flushing and you are instead using her as an excuse? Making her feel guilty and responsible for these actions? Maybe not. In all seriousness, she may have a gastro problem and really does spend hours on end in there. Has she had a colonoscopy? Been tested for IBS, colitis, etc.? Perhaps you should look into that.

Bottom Line: Whatever the reason, you don't live alone and, therefore, have a responsibility to the other people in your home. This means that you pee in the toilet (or in the shower --without telling anyone!! or outside) but the sink was designed for a specific purpose, as was the toilet. Use them appropriately.

Seriously.

And as to how you stop? You simply stop placing your wanker in the sink. Quite simple, really.

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Gracie,

My fiancé is the most wonderful man alive. However, he has a 17-year-old daughter that has crossed over, in my opinion, from being just a bratty, self-involved, moody teen, to being a complete psychopath. She has, over the course of the past 2.5 years (the time I have been dating my fiancé) done her absolute best to manipulate, hurt, use, and deceive myself, my two young children (11 and 9 years old) and her own father. She truly seems to believe that 1) we should all cave into her every want and desire no matter how irrational and 2) she feels that she should be the only focal point of any and all attention. She also feels she should be allowed to do and get away with anything she wants with no consequences. We all are supposed to exist as pawns for her. She has tried to pit me against her father and vice versa to break us up and/or get what she wants (attention, money, gifts, etc.) and she has tried to pit me and my fiancé against my kids and vice versa, I am assuming here but my guess is the idea behind it was to drive me away from her father and/or again receive attention, pity, money gifts, etc.

All the previous incidents and outright attacks physical and mostly verbal on me and my children aside, last night she went too far, she actually hit her father, no, not just hit but attempted to beat him. Not just once but rained down pummeling fists on him. The reason? Because she wanted him to bring her home something to eat. Earlier in the evening he asked her if she wanted to go to dinner with us, she said no. So before we left he went to ask her what she wanted us to bring back for her to eat and she had her room locked. She did not answer when he called her name or when he asked her through the door what she wanted to eat, so he assumed she was asleep for the night. When we returned I dropped him off at home and left. When she discovered he had not brought home something for her she started screaming at him and he told her there was plenty of food in the house that she could eat if she was starving, when she refused that and continued shrieking at him he then offered to take her to a local fast food place, and she freaked out more. When I called him I could hear her ranting at him and then she started in on me knowing I could full well hear every word (in a voice and tone you would not believe) eventually she seemed to get tired and give up and all was quiet for a few moments. I was talking to him about my father who was very sick, when suddenly I heard a commotion and the phone went dead. The commotion he later explained to me was that she had attacked him without warning, snuck up on him in the darkness of his bedroom and began beating him, then grabbed the phone from him and tried to break it.

I love him and I do not want to ever leave him, but I came from a previous marriage that was brutal and abusive and I cannot and do not want to enter into a home where the abuse continues and comes from a child. Please help.

S.

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Gracie's Advice:

I'm sure you have a pretty good idea what I'm going to say. I further assume that you don't want to hear or admit this, but I think you know it's true: You should postpone the wedding, at the very least. If your fiancé isn't strong enough to deal with his out-of-control, physically abusive, 17-year-old daughter? He isn't strong enough to deal with 2 additional children and a wife.

She needs to be dealt with or, though it sounds harsh, kicked out. And by 'dealt with' I do not mean punished or having her allowance docked. I mean she needs serious help and, further, consequences to her actions. She needs to know (from her father and/or the authorities...not from you) that physical abuse is not only unacceptable, but CRIMINAL. I would hope that he called the police after this latest incident. If not, it needs to be made crystal clear that they WILL be called if she ever touches anyone in anger ever again. This girl has some serious anger and narcissistic issues that need to be treated before someone gets REALLY hurt. And really, do you want to learn that lesson the hard way? Do you want your CHILDREN to learn that lesson the hard way? Of course you don't. So it's time to take some difficult --but necessary-- action.

As far as your relationship is concerned? I know it breaks your heart, but at the very minimum the wedding needs to be postponed (or called off completely) at least until she is 18 and/or her father has the balls to deal with her. You and, more importantly, your children should NOT put up with or be a part of that kind of behavior and abuse. Especially considering how young and impressionable they are. This could have disasterous effects not only on their egos, hearts, and minds, but on their lives and future behavior. You don't want them to turn out like her, do you?

And let's just be brutally blunt here: Sweetie, I say this with the utmost care and concern for you...the most wonderful man alive would not allow his future wife and her children to be treated this way, let alone himself.

For whatever reasons, he has chosen to allow her behavior to continue and grow out of control. I don't recall seeing mention of her mother and it sounds as though the daughter lives with him full-time. I would venture to guess that, if the mother is still alive, he has feelings of guilt over the break-up and her absence in the daughter's life, especially if the mother is in any way unfit or, if the mother passed on, feelings of grief and guilt over her losing her mother at such a young age. My son grew up without his father in his life (which is a whooooole other talk show in itself!) and while I was usually strict and consistent, there were plenty of times that I was either exhausted --or felt guilty-- over having to be the mom AND the dad, felt awful that he was being raised by a single parent, and found myself occasionally giving in to him, over-indulging him, or letting him get away with more than I should have. Thankfully, George came into our lives just as I was losing my resolve and strict-ness and helped me gain more perspective and together we were able to save him from becoming the exact person that you've described above.

Look, regardless of what your fiancé does or doesn't do, you have a responsibility to YOUR children and (based on your previous letter that gave me much more detail...but isn't printed here due to your request, privacy issues, and length) I can assure you that what's been going on or how it's been handled isn't doing them any favors (though I can certainly understand and relate to your end of things, at least.)

Aside from the obvious safety issues, they need to be shown (not just told) that a) the behavior displayed by this monster of a daughter (which, again, I'm aware of from the other letter and am APPALLED by) is completely unacceptable and certainly not to be emulated; and b) they need to see YOU not put up with it for both their sake and yours, which will quietly yet firmly teach them strength, character, and how to be treated later in life...that they are worthy of better. That they are precious, loved, and lovable. That they are worthy of a safe, healthy environment, despite how much is hurts their mom to make that break. In fact, it may have an even bigger impact on them because it's so hard to walk away. Imagine what you will do for them and their future selves by being so strong and resolved.

If you teach them this now, they are much more likely to grow up well-adjusted and confident and won't accept that sort of treatment in the future from anyone else. And knowing your history, I'm quite sure you'll agree that that's best for them...you don't want them to go through (or put up with) what you did before, right? Nor what you're all currently being subjected to. And I'm sure you love them enough to want the best for them...to be strong, happy, confident adults. And you have to know that if you remain in this toxic environment, not only will YOU suffer but they will, too. It'll crush them in ways you can't even begin to imagine. This isn't healthy and you know it. Save them and save you. Give consequences to this behavior. Not to his daughter, because that isn't your responsibility (or place) but to her father. Perhaps it's the wakeup call he needs to get this girl (and, as a result, your families and relationships) some desperately needed help.

Bottom line: No man is more important than your children and their safety. Act with that in mind.

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If you have knowledge of any of the issues dealt with in this or any earlier advice entries, you're welcome to write in and offer your input and we will, occasionally, post them on the site and/or forward them to the person whose question was posted.

Have a dilemma you need help with? Ask George n' Gracie!
Send inquiries to advice@americanangst.com.

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