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I created a few new designs in the store, each around the same theme. They're a bit personal, but cute (I hope...or maybe I'm just too extroverted and crass...which is enTIRELY possible) anyway, it's all for the girls (unless there's some weird affliction I hadn't thought of....)
There are three this time (keep checking back, as I have several dozen more done and ready to add, but I don't have a lot of time and the CP servers are soooo sloooooow on uploads). ANYWAY, the new section is All About Cramps! The three just added are:
And, as always, if you like these but wanted something slightly different? You liked it, but...not quite enough to purchase? Felt something was missing? Or wanted something compLETELY different that you didn't see in the store? Let me know! I'm happy to make changes and custom designs for you! Just drop me a note and, as long as it's not trademarked? We'll work something out!
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Next we move to American Idol. This first part are my notes from the Guys' first night on Tuesday, Feb. 20:
WHEN will they get it? If EVERYONE starts off (and/or continues) suddenly being pitchy thru the whole song? Perhaps it's not eeeeverybody sucking. perhaps it's the BAND! every year they're off key. the sound is ALWAYS bad and the kids have to have time to get used to the shitty acoustics and bad band tune. I firmly believe that nobody should be sent home the first week. Maybe even the first two weeks. They should get voted on and find out who was the lowest, but they need a period of adjustment, if only to learn how to sing a bit worse to match the band and crappy acoustics.
The judges are giving their third or fourth round of comments tonight and once again the audience is bitching about Simon. I'm so tired of that. Are they instructed to BOO him no matter what he says? It's ridiculous that nobody respects his feedback while he's giving it, but every singer who shows up on this show (and even those who are already established singers just talking about him) desperately want his approval and respect the HELL out of him and his advice. He has proven, for several decades that he's successful and knows what he's talking about. Fer chrissakes. Quit being such SHEEP and shaddap arready!
This is so trite. (I have NO idea what prompted that...perhaps the whole show on Tuesday?)
Ohhh Chris Richardson. I would never have guessed that there were people out there who were actually inspired by and rehearsed long and hard to BE...Kevin Federline. Ohhh lookit his poor dad. Nooo rhythm. God love 'im. Sweet how proud he is. Damn, Chris...you have GOT to watch this back and notice that the bobble-head doll head-bobbing weirdo bit is ANNOYING as hell. (Yes, I KNOW they don't read my site. Leave me alone.)
I really liked Nick Pedro. Sweet and even voice. Ohhh, what a surprise, Simon agreed with me. Thankfully. Hearing Randy and Paula poop all over his performance left me annoyed and baffled. (That's right, I said that.) Though it shouldn't have, considering how utterly retarded their senses are at picking out truly good talent. ;-p
Barefoot dude: Ooohhh, that was baaaad. Put yer stupid shoes back ON.
ohhh look. Another year where Randy can't criticize without sucking air through his teeth first! What a SHOCKER. Does this ASSHEAD EVER watch himself on television after ANY of the shows!? Seriously.
Blake's voice was pretty nice. Few pitch problems and I'm not sure if the fact that I wasn't watching him at ALL while he sang had anything to do with it, but it wasn't bad.
Ryan Seacrest. Hear me...hear me NOW! You have GOT TO STOP. You are NOT funny or manly. WHY can you not just own who you are? You n' Clay BOTH. People will still like you. We don't CARE. But please, no matter what, just stop trying to compete with Simon, okay? It's embarrassing to watch. You are so out of your league. And besides, it's more of what I said back there...he is who he is and YOU are who YOU ARE. Accept it. Also? Each time you insult Simon and then wait a beat before moving on? You look like a JACKASS. Those of us at home with BRAINS? Think it's stupid and juvenile and...we feel sorry for you that you're so desperate that you have to latch on to his persona to define your own. Also, those of us skilled at the insults? Are insulted by your lack of skill. Quit it.
This next part = my notes from the Girls' first night on Feb. 21:
Dear God. Has Amy NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW??? You never, not EVER do a slow one for your first song! Especially this year when we've never seen most of these girls until tonight! Just so dumb. Not to mention how many years the judges have SAID to the people "NEVER PICK A SLOW SONG ON NIGHT ONE!" *Gracies rolls her eyes and dreams of smacking people who refuse to do their homework before doing ANY job, let alone going on a show like this*
Oh yes Randy, of course. Keep talking all over Simon. Why should he be allowed to ever finish a SINGLE FRIGGING THOUGHT or COMMENT?? Noooo, we should spend ALL our time listening to you suck AIR through your f*cking TEETH each. and. every. TIME you have to give any negative feedback. Even your idiotically named Dog Pound knows you do it and started BOOING you before you'd even finished sucking the air through your teeth! It was hilarious!
I can't believe Randy has the nerve to criticize anyone being safe and not venturing outside a comfort zone considering his inability to learn, change, and/or grow in all the years they've been doing this show. It's as though he's never watched himself on the tapes. Or...wow, maybe he's like the clueless contestants who believe they're fan-fricking-tastic when, in fact, they are not. He probably watches the shows back and pats himself on the back for his glorious and brilliant commentary. Oy.
Sabrina Sloan: Holy COW. Just DAMN. That was amazing. She just blew me away. She will go far far FAR in this competition. Wow.
Antonella: oooooh sweetie. Ohhh honey. Someone stop her. Aerosmith is a weeee bit too ambitious for you pumpkin. I loved that you made it this far, mainly because your friend was such a complete BITCH (who thrilled us when she got kicked off about 2 minutes after smugly claiming that the farm girl was sent home and Slutty McBitch was still around because "God likes GOOD PEOPLE" complete with overly manicured nail self-pointing and wild gesturing). Ohhhh, but tonight? That was horribly uncomfortable to watch. Not to mention it probably made the bitch friend at home practically BESIDE herself with glee over Antonella's misfortune. And you KNOW that when it's Paula's turn to offer commentary on your performance and (since she's wasted AND unintelligent) can't think of anything else to say except "You're beautiful!"? You REALLY sucked. Heheheh. Simon just said the same thing I did...that the song was too big for her. It's like ONE MIND.
Jordin Sparks: No WAY! She is The Kiddo's Age?! I would have sworn she was near 30. Wow. Ohhh, she just started singing. Eek. Tracy Chapman is too low for this show. The acoustics are bad enough since the show's producers re-freakin-FUSE to improve the sound (and band...and pitch...and volume...) quality. And as George said, "This song was NOT meant to be upbeat. And on this show you have to sing so fast to fit it all in and you have to be loud to be heard...it's just not right." She ended it really well and that will likely save her this week. Well...at least a few weeks considering the dumb slow song choice up there...not to mention Karaoke Antonella.
Nicole Tranquillo: oh OUCH. She just screamed the whole thing. That HAD to be a Chaka Khan song. Ohhh so screechy. I hated that. I actually asked George when she first started "Um? Is that the janitor!? Did she beat unconscious the person who was SUPPOSED to be here?" Good god. That was the angriest, scariest performance yet.
I swear, I'm going to look up Randy's agent and write a letter BEGGING him not to suck air thru teeth. Someone has GOT to stop him. I can't take it anymore. I can't. And I am JUST the bitch to fix that shit.
Haley Scarnato - wow. Celine's All Coming Back to Me. That's a hard song to sing. I like how she dresses, very risky and interesting. Wow...she has a powerful voice. I can see why she chooses Celine a lot; on the high power notes, she sounds a lot like her. Very clean and stays on pitch (that last part was George). Aw damn. She just lost a few points; she does the poop squat®. I may need to reserve my vote now. Hahahaha. Simon just kept going and going and going with the comments about Haley's performance. I was so surprised that he was allowed to finish one thought and realized...he was too! He was waiting to be cut off and interrupted by Randy and/or Paula.
How quickly will I go to hell for mentioning that I think Melinda Doolittle looks a little bit like a Pez dispenser? I KNOW...I'm sorry. I promise to try VERY HARD not to call her Candy Girl. Seriously.
Melinda Doolittle: I'll be nice and separate my comments on her performance from my snotty note up there. Ohhhh maybe I shouldn't have. Candy Girl does the poop squat, too. Ick. George says it's like a telethon performance. Very wooden and with the way she smiles through several words in each sentence. Ugh. Over performer. She has a helluva voice, though. I'm willing to bet that she'll tone it down a bit as the season wears on. Maybe she'll even stop doing the combo Marching Band Poop Squat®
I'll admit, while she was performing (and I was typing) George was making some VERY funny (and not at ALL nice) comments about her odd look. Her very large head, lack of neck, smaller body, poop squats and marching...and all of a sudden, just before she finishes, George yells out, with a sound of complete relief and revelation in his voice, "Oooo! OOOO! I know! I know! She looks like the cartoon character after the FIRST anvil comes down and hits her on the head!! that's IT!!" Like he can finally sleep tonight having figured it out.
Alaina Alexander: Ohhh honey. WHY do so many people have such deep voices this year? Or not that they have deep voices, but that they're choosing such deep voiced SONGS to sing maybe? Just...a bit odd. Especially for their first songs and first impressions? That was off key and pitchy (I HATE that term...someone give me another term to use instead...PLEASE!) She has a strong voice...I hope she improves and gains control of her voice a bit. Ha! Paula said "I ...sssss... didn't FEEL it." Bwwwaaa-hahahaha! Like Paula feels anything these days! You could see it in her eyes! And she (Paula) is NOT fooling me with her little caveat-ridden denials that she doesn't take any ILLEGAL drugs. Riiiiight. Nice little "I didn't LIE! They weren't ILLEGAL!" CYA move. Doof. Heee. Simon finally rattled Ryan so harshly that he couldn't snottily and inappropriately respond! When he commented that Ryan was trying to date Alaina by acting so biased? He was like a balloon who'd just been popped! It was AWESOME! Ohhhh, how ridiculously petty. Simon asked if there were any other comments and Ryan, like a petulant 7-year-old, said "Nyot from YEEEWWWW!" and I think I heard him STOMP a little bit. What a little GIRL.
Gina Glocksen: She's tired of auditioning for Idol, huh? Well...she may want to retract that after choosing such a trite and slow song. All By Myself?? Come ON. I am soooo tired of this song. Wow. Okay. I take that back a bit. I still disagree with the slow choice, but as George said "Never a slow song unless you can BELT that shit." and ...she did. Wow.
Lakisha Jones: oh! Close your legs sweetie! That's an awfully large foot spread there. Dammit. Another angry Poop Squatter. WHAT is it with that?? WHY do people think they have to DO that to SING?! HOLY GOD! She just GRABBED HER CROTCH!! While singing You're Going to Love Me. NO!!! Honey, you have a great voice. You have GOT to clean up the performance. Let your voice stand on its own and stop letting your antics overtake the sound. It's much too overly done and ...honey? PLEASE keep you hand off your cootch, okay?! Dear God.
George is right; it's funny how--this year--most of the girls have very deep voices and most of the men have high-pitched voices. Hmm. Be interesting to see how it all turns out.
Please...American Idol producers, if you do nothing else...ban Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me. PLEASE? I used to love that song. I've had enough of my memories ruined. No more. Kill that song, arright? PS, George begs you to also remove Over the Rainbow from any and all future song choice lists. Kimberly Locke did it beautifully, but she also did it, like, FOUR times that season and that was moooore than enough. Since then? It drives us both nuts.
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Tune in tomorrow when I'm not so sleepy and have time to talk about something ELSE George does to deflect irritation.
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Someone arrived here searching for:
smell my pantyhose [NO means NO!]
atkins friendly birthday cake [why call it 'friendly' when it's CLEARLY anything BUT?]
ive had bile duct cancer for one year [wow. I'm...sorry. I have NO idea what to do with this. Without going to hell, of course]
soooo hungry
what to do when you rip a toe nail off [a.) curse; b.) yell at piece of inanimate furniture; c.) hit nearest person; d.) wrap in copious amounts of bandaids and gauze; e.) decide this is totally serious enough of an injury to warrant taking that five-year-old percocet you forgot about till you were rifling through your bathroom cabinet looking for a ...well...that's not relevant; f.) limp a really lot, pretend to be stoic and strong; g.) say things like "Oh, that's okay, ...I'll do the dishes...just let me find the crutches and I'll be right there. Be sure to waver on the crutches, letting them occasionally slip out from under you...and move slowly to ensure that other people have time to feel guilty and offer to do it FOR you. h.) believe wholeheartedly that Gracie would never EVER employ ANY of these methods when she's in pain and that she totally just made this up.]
"butter dog" picture porn
"deaf porn" [gracie: "what the HELL?? HOW is this different??" George: "Seriously. Why don't you just hit MUTE??"]
demerol for ocd [yeah, hope springs eternal!]
tv trays strong
sex night [ohhhh hey, sorry. No help here, mate. I = married, which means...we no do dat no mo]
stinky dog pee pills
xtra women screwing animals
je suis heureux translation [it means I am Happy. And...ya know what? I am!]
george dammit [I know.]
wife helps husband put on pantyhose [husband then helps jeweler tooootally clean out the bank account]
porn hut
fuck black deaf [picky picky!]
the dog could smell her naked ass
fries are hot
pantyhose in train
song thinking other day
pooping at ryan's restaurant throws up in pants [it's the specificity that astounds me most]
cheating slut [wow...and how are YOU today?]
old sayings about eye twitching [it means you're going to DIE! In 2 hours!]
dunking donuts job search [word to the wise: learn to spell the name of the company before you interview with them. Okay...that was more like...13 words to the wise.]
goot sex [this kills me. Do they mean "GOAT" in which case...ew. Or do they mean "Good" and are just too stupid to know how to spell it and, therefore, don't DESERVE it?? WHAT??]
penis on backward [well obviously.]
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