A few months ago, I mentioned in an entry that I have an online store and would be happy to do custom items for people on occasion. One of the requests I received was from a woman who, sadly, has a child (under 10) with cancer. She asked me to come up with some cute, funny, empowering statements that could be put on t-shirts that he can wear to (and are appropriate for) elementary school. It kills me that, when Hacker Suckaroo 2005 occured, I lost a bajillion emails, including hers. Despite the fact that I couldn't find her email address (or her request) I never forgot about it and have spent the last couple of months racking my brain trying to come up with cute, funny, witty comments about how cancer sucks, what a trooper this little guy is, etc., but for the LIFE of me, I cannot think of anything worthy of what he's going through, that will keep the snotty bullies at bay, and yet is still appropriate for him to wear to school. I...miss Chatty Cathy U.S.A. have...come up empty. Well. Mostly. The only two I came up with that could, conceivably, be worn by a 7 or 8 year old kid to school would be 'I went to chemotherapy and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' and 'Cancer Sucks' or 'Cancer Bites' but those last two may not even be acceptable, depending on where he goes to school.

I feel absolutely awful about this and need your help.

So. My requests are two-fold: 1) I'm hoping the mom who wrote requesting the t-shirts hasn't deleted my site from her bookmarks in absolute disgust and is reading today, because I'd like her to please write again so I have her email address handy, and 2) I would like to ask YOU, my readers, for suggestions for the t-shirt sayings. I have faith in the humor and compassion of my audience and hope that not only will you all have some great ideas that I can forward to her, but that it will also spark my creative juices to start flowing again and I can come up with a few of my own.

Please forward your (funny but tasteful) suggestions to: shopangst@americanangst.com.

Angst Advice Column...

Dear Gracie and George,

I seem to have developed a problem, one of a serious nature, (which of course I'm going to whine relentlessly about now). I'm going to spare you ALL the details and get straight to the point in the most direct way I know how, so here goes.

1: Dad's lost his mind

A: dad's managed to run up some $60,000 in credit card bills (yeah, I know...my guess is chronic lap dances.

B: dad's been jailed for D.W.I. (AGAIN)...I find out from local sources that dad's farm is to be auctioned off on the courthouse steps by creditors for payment of unpaid bills

2: Saving the farm

A: Managed to contact a family member after HOURS of begging EVERYONE I know and can think of to loan me enough to pay back mortgage payments.(THIS IS THE PART WHERE YA FIND OUT WHAT FAMILY MEANS).

B: Finally an uncle drives up from oklahoma after SEVERAL rejections from SEVERAL family members for a loan. (remember...this loan is relatively low...about 3k behind to catch up).

3: Finding a buyer

A: My idea was to fix the farm up a little and find a buyer for FAIR market price (enter BLONDE BIMBO)

B: Blonde bimbo COMPLETELY HOODWINKS dad...bought his farm for $36,000...approximately HALF fair market value...at this point I'm steaming.

4: Dad in jail for ANOTHER D.W.I.

A: Well...half way through the move...you guessed it...he gets thrown in the can.

B: Make a deal with blonde BIMBO..."Where the HELL am I gonna put this stuff...What the hell does he want to do with it"...besides the DUBIOUS "I DUNNO" I get from him when I ask him sitting behind a 8" x 12" piece of bullet proof glass. She offers up a deal "Just store it in the barn on the property...when he get's out then come get it..." We'll even get some pad locks and YOU'LL HAVE A KEY and WE'LL HAVE A KEY".

5: MOVING DAY!

A: So...flash forward a month and dad's finally out...I have a few friends show up with some beer...a BIG pick up and we're SET to move stuff.

B: Show up at the barn 100 yards from the house about the time school lets out...(I knew the new owners would be there)...Well...the new owner's WIFE shows up...PROMPTLY rears her half-blackened mouthful of crystal-meth teeth and proclaims "YOU'RE TRESSPASSING AND STEALIN".

C: You can imagine my friends' faces and MY RESPONSE...(I'll be honest at this point, I said: "Are you always a stupid [expletive] or only on days ending with a 'Y'?"

6: SUNDAY MORNING COMIN' DOWN

A: Well we split when she started FLAILING around and spitting profanities at us...I figured it'd be the best. So...next morning I get a knock on my door...and NOT one of those friendly "is ANYBODY there?" type knocks...It was the type of knock from that ohhhhhhhhhhh so well-known 24" black MAGLIGHT policemen use to temporarily blind you on a dark night after pulling you over and then asking "Why are your EYES red, son?"

B: So...I go to jail and IMMEDIATELY post my OWN bail (Who in god's name has $1,500 CASH on a sunday morning?)

C: I managed to get myself a LAWYER...(ENTER BLOODSUCKER'S) ...That was ANOTHER $4,500

7: JUDGEMENT DAY

A: I'm CURRENTLY charged with Burglary (FELONY), Trespassing (FELONY), Disturbing the peace (MISDEMEANOR)...NO PLEA BARGAINS ON THE TABLE...The possible sentence is 15 years just because some crystal-meth-head SAID I was STEALING my own things....

If'n either you or George have ANY ideas at ALL (That don't involve a SUPER SOAKER FILLED WITH GASOLINE AND DEAD BODIES...OR ...ANYTHING having to do with joining the french foreign legion)...PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

-Mike B.

P.S.: I'm awaiting TRIAL at the moment.

P.P.S.: By the way thought I'd tell ya...I'VE NEVER BEEN IN TROUBLE A DAY IN MY LIFE, AM A COLLEGE (almost) graduate AND...I'm a first gulf war veteran.

------------------------------------------

George + Gracie's Advice:

Wow. Okay. This should go without saying, but we are not attorneys and the following are our opinions only. We are not at ALL qualified to offer legal advice. So there ya go.

That outta the way...based on your information, it doesn't sound like your lawyer is the best one for you. Since you're a veteran, there should be some resources available to you through the military, even if it's merely advice (but would be ideal if they had legal aid or attorneys at your disposable, possibly at a lesser fee.) Try contacting a local (or national) veteran's association. If that doesn't work out, do some hefty online research for criminal defense lawyers in your area, paying close attention to those lawyers who specialize in real estate disputes/property issues. A quick search that I performed turned up 1,480,000 hits specific to Oklahoma, many of whom also deal with real estate law. If you add in either your city's name or the name of the largest city near you? Your results will be narrowed that much more, making it easier to find someone to help you. We feel that your best bet is through your veteran status or with an attorney in a larger city. Quick note: when you go to an attorney's website, don't rely solely on the 'Contact Us' forms offered on their sites as they almost NEVER reply. Phone is best.

Let's deal with the evidence issue. Your letter was a little confusing regarding the Blonde Bimbo. We're assuming that she is also Crystal Meth Wife? Regardless...the one with whom you made the storage deal: did you get anything in writing? I'm assuming not, otherwise you probably wouldn't have done time in the pokey. People, I cannot stress this enough: whether you are dealing with friends, family, or strangers, you MUST put things in writing. Even though it's uncomfortable and awkward, you HAVE to protect yourself. Yes, sometimes you can argue the Verbal Agreement deal, but that rarely holds up in court. WRITE IT DOWN and do NOT go through with any deal, no matter how small, until the other party has signed and dated it. It also helps to have a witness and/or notary present as well (they're quite cheap in most instances, especially considering what it costs after the fact if you don't, as Mike B. has now become all-too-familiar with.)

Also, it sounds to us as though the police didn't do a very good job of investigating this issue. In reading your letter, I'm amazed that none of these things were looked into. For instance, you mentioned a key...do you still have the key? I would think that proves at least part of your story. In addition, I would think that you can offer a list of the items you know are in the barn that belong to your father. Specifically, things that aren't common, or things other people can vouch for (a pocket watch left to him in a will when grandpa died; a dresser he bought in New Hampshire in 1990 with your brother's initials scraped into the bottom of the third drawer. Basically a way of proving that you weren't there to steal...that you and your father KNOW and OWN these things. Work the evidence angle since you had a key, you can identify the property inside the barn (especially since you didn't make it inside that day, so how would know what's in there, right?), bring doubt to the table about the crystal meth moron by having someone look into her background/record...and into your father being taken advantage of by selling his farm for half-price; talk about his substance abuse issues. Clearly he wasn't in his 'right' mind to have sold as he did. In addition (or if none of those pan out?) work out the best deal you can. Shamelessly discuss your lack of previous trouble, your military status, your proof. If you did anything wrong, truly, then own it and offer to work out a deal, but ONLY if you did something wrong. Do not offer to serve time if you didn't do anything more than curse at a liar. And do NOT sign anything without a decent lawyer present and certainly not until he AND you have read it in full and are clear on what it means and what you are agreeing to.

I hate to say it, Mike, but if nothing is in writing and your proof is nil? You may very well be in for a tough ride. However, the fact that you've never been in trouble before should go a long way toward helping you get out of this situation with at least a lesser penalty than if you'd had a few infractions here and there. Again, you need a lawyer who will work on either kicking ass in the evidence department or who will, failing that, make sure that you get the best deal possible. You need to take care of YOU. I'm sorry to say this, but SCREW dad. Clearly he's a self-destructive doofus who couldn't care less about what his negligent and reckless behavior is doing to everyone else around him. You've got to save yourself first.

Bottom Line: Do everything you can to stay out of jail - dad's on his own. If he continues to hurt himself, that's his problem. We know it sounds cold and heartless, but there comes a point where you just can't save people from themselves. Good luck, sweetie. And please let us know how things worked out.

If you have knowledge of any of the issues dealt with in this or any earlier advice entries, you're welcome to write in and offer your input and we will, occasionally, post them on the site and/or forward them to the person whose question was posted.

Have a dilemma you need help with? Ask George n' Gracie!
Send inquiries to advice@americanangst.com.

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