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I absolutely refuse to promote Rosie's Web site here, especially by sending her an additional 50,000 hits**. I do, however, feel the need to talk about what a complete IDIOT Miss O'Donnell is. I rarely watch The View and definitely NOT now that Rosie's overrun the entire thing, but I've seen clips showing her antics and how she's completely eclipsing everyone else on the show and it's sad and pathetic. She's ruining the show, taking it down with her just like every other sinking ship she touches (sorta the reverse of the Midas Touch. She's got the Shit Touch). In short, she's a loud, graceless, ignorant SHREW. And make no mistake, she doesn't care one tiny little BIT about the feelings of those kids on American Idol. If she was even remotely worried about people's self-esteem, she'd have shown an ounce of compassion toward the fallen Miss America instead of eviscerating her and mocking her tearful apology and confession. Apparently Rosie only cares about wounded kids with no rhythm. Beauty queens? Not so much. Rosie seems unable to muster feelings for (and is offended by) Pretty Yet Flawed. Shocking. In truth, the extent of Ms. O'Dunce's concern is a) how much attention she can get for pretending to care. I won't even go into the secondary reasons I believe she's so blustery-pissed over the Idol stuff. I have definite theories, but...not the time.
I find her anger over Idol's meanness and mockery especially hypocritical considering how often she does exactly that whenever there is a camera pointed at her (and has for decades). The only difference is that she's too much of a coward to do it to their faces. I used to like Rosie, before she became the Angry Lesbian Who Hates Everyone, and have watched her since I was a kid. Believe me, there is NO SHORTAGE of hateful mockery toward other people in her acts.
Ohhh and have you SEEN her atrocious and stupid haiku-wannabe 'poetry'?? I can't bring myself to not put quotes around the word since what she vomits with her keyboard isn't even CLOSE to poetic. She's too lazy to type actual sentences and coherent paragraphs, so she pretends to be poetic and probably, sadly, laughably, thinks she's deep and profound and moving.
*SNORT*
But I'll try to be patient, waiting for the day when she finally goes away and we are free of her grating, unintelligent, shrill platitudes.
So...let's move on to my own Wouldn't-Rosie-Shit-Gold-Bricks-If-She-Saw-ME Idol rants, okee-dokee? And don't worry, for those who hate Idol and my rants about it, you can scroll past it to the George + Gracie conversations and/or to the Someone Arrived Here Searching For... portions of today's entry. You're welcome!
**Note: yes, I know. I can't say that without sounding like a braggart. I KNOW. But I'm so excited about my increase in stats that I couldn't help it. I'll work on my upgraded ego, I promise. ..soon.
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Idol Rant...Fade In
Yes, I know...every year I say I won't watch this show ever again and yet...I can't keep away. The horrific auditions suck me in every time and then I keep watching beyond them into the show proper. I can't help it. And I'll just be honest here and tell you that it's partly because I feel the need to confirm my secret conviction that I'm a genius because, early on in the show, I always pick the contestant who will later become the most successful singer after the show ends, regardless of the voting results, and sure enough they go on to be very big. Even when they get voted off early, they still manage to have big careers and outshine and outsell even the winning idols (Chris Daughtry anyone? Kat McPhee?? CLAY??) Yeah...I = brilliant new artist picker.
So you see? I have to watch; not just to prove myself right but also because...oh hell, let's just get it out there: it was always my dream to be a famous singer, so I live vicariously through them. THERE I said it. Okay?? Happy? And, inevitably, I can't watch the auditions without remembering how often I would sing my HEART out years ago when it was just me and The Kiddo and times were horribly difficult and lonely and that was my only saving grace. I'd put The Kiddo to bed and would turn on several fans in and near his room as white noise (and to drown me out) so he wouldn't wake up and then I'd go to my room and turn on the stereo and would sing. I always chose power-house tunes like Celine Dion and Faith Hill (many of which the contestants...BAD ones...choose to sing even now). I would sing for hours until I was exhausted and spent and too tired to think about my life and the crappy situations that I'd gotten us into because I was too trusting and naive and dumb enough to believe another set of lies from some dumb guy. So I sang...and my singing was intense and LOUD and a HUGE stress reliever and the idea that I had this hidden, untapped talent within mySELF (much like they probably believe) made it easier to take all the crappy things going on in my life at the time. I do, however, cringe whenever I think about my upstairs neighbors who had to listen to that every night for two years. *insert squinched-up-nose on the face of my humiliation*
And though I can relate, I recoil when I think about how I may have jumped at the chance had this show been around back then...the lure of fame and fortune and worldwide adoration...the idea that a simple audition and a few short months of shows could instantly transport me to global celebrity** and would almost instantly get us out of our shitty circumstances? Ugh. Yes, I can relate to the pull, the desire, the wish. But a) I doubt I would have gone so far as to audition...at least I hope I wouldn't have, because I probably would have ended up on the first few weeks of audition episodes and would have humiliated myself and my family (though I will always, always secretly believe that I am a good singer...even now I have to admit that I still think that). But I truly think that even if I'd had the chance, I would have stayed home with my child and just THOUGHT about it (while singing at night in my room of course) and just thinking of how if I HAD tried out, I'd have knocked their socks off!
But also, if I HAD had that opportunity and gone for it, I firmly believe that b) I would know what to expect going in. I wouldn't try out for something I hadn't seen before and hadn't researched fully. Yes the criticism would hurt, but that's part and parcel of that business fer chrissake. Everyone knows this.
**No doubt pissing off snotty and completely-ungracious 'stars' like Faith Hill and LeAnn Rimes who believe that your beautiful singing voice doesn't count and isn't worthy of praise unless you live in your car and sing in crappy bars for several decades before being discovered (like LeAnn paid ANY sort of dues before being discovered loooong before she could even DRIVE for pete's sake).
Moving on. Here are some of my favorites so far this season. And when I say 'favorites' I mean...made me cringe, made me yell at the television, made me question our psychiatric community, and more:
First, Big Bird. The 50-year-old woman who made her own feathery, yellow outfits, and who spoke like she was downing Valium and Prozac cocktails every hour ON the hour and who was HUGE and had a massive apron-o-fat and chose to lift her shirt and SHOW IT OFF while waddling up and down the aisles, threatening the health of her already-frightening cankles. She scared me. A LOT.
Upon being rejected by the judges, a kid yelled "Don't BE about it! BRING it, man!" And George and I looked at each other with complete and total confusion on our faces. We'd each hoped we'd misunderstood and the other would explain. Nope. We heard correctly (and rewound several times to be sure...tivo comes in handy during American Idol's audition episodes!) the kid actually said "Don't BE about it!" ...we aren't sure what it is they shouldn't 'BE' about, but we've decided that whenever we're mad at each other, we can quickly get over it by saying "Don't be about it! BRING it, man!" to each other and we'll either punch each other or shrug and smile and hold hands and skip around the room. Hopefully we'll also find a locked door upon which we can throw ourselves repeatedly while instructing The Kiddo to sit at the kitchen table and, with an abundance of boredom, say "Other DOOR" with a pithy British accent and while rolling his eyes at our idiocy. Problem solved!
We were especially delighted when one girl, shocked that she wasn't chosen for Hollywood, stomped out with her mother, cousin, and grandmother and they all yelled insults about how stupid and clueless Simon is and how he don't know *BLEEP* about music and talent and how "he needa go back to where he come from cause we don't need his forin ass HERE, so he should just go backa BRITISH where he belong!"
Oh yes, the mother actually said he should go back to BRITISH. Wow. God bless public schools, huh?? And just try to imagine this girl's life now that her singing career is over...if that's what her role model, her guide through childhood and into adulthood is mentally capable of...what can we expect from her spawn??
Gracie pauses to shudder three times before moving on.
We then saw yet another girl who was convinced she could sing like Mariah (and who, of course, could NOT) and she fell into the latter of the two main categories for women: 1) nasal screechers, or 2) monotone, deep, back-throat singers with no inflection or pitch or anything even RESEMBLING tune. No matter what this chick sang, we could NOT figure out what she was saying, let alone what song she was singing. Our DVR machine began emitting smoke after all the rewinding done during her 'songs' just so Gracie could write down a few lines for this entry. Here she is and, below it, one example of her...talent:
Bad Singer Girl: "cuuurrr hurrr hurrr muh huh gin ahhh licktid uhhhh paaaah!"
George: "She...did she just say...'Curmudgeon I elected a PIE!' ...?"
Gracie: "I...Ow...heh. Um. Rewind..."
George: *Obediently rewinds while continuing to repeat what he believes she said...trying to see if he can decipher it*
Gracie: *After NINE replays...* "Wow. I can't believe it but...yes! She IS actually saying 'Curmudgeon I elected a PIE'" and George happily clapped at this revelation.
We found out later that it was apparently Black Velvet she was singing and, based on her butchering of the song, I feel that Alannah Myles should get a free pass to butcher the contestant's HEAD.
Here's a picture of Simon while she's ...performing. I love when he tries rilly rilly hard not to laugh:
Here are a few others by various (and unmemorable) contestants. What we heard isn't likely what they actually said but since we can't understand them through their hideous (and often overly-nasal) 'sing-screeching' we translate FOR them:
"iiiiii long to sow the british bay!"
"hold the mole, who's hawaiian?"
"aaand you make me yak in a forty way!"
George and I take great pride and joy in this process and actually don't WANT to know the real songs and lyrics. This is WAY more fun. Also it makes us feel SO much better about ourselves.
Ohhh and what about the dorks who wear SCARVES wrapped several times around their necks to protect their 'tool'?? Come on, you KNOW that's what they're doing. And it's compounded by the fact that they rarely sing well. Ugh. There's always a certain combination of actions, looks, and events that foretell the singing ability of the upcoming contestant. Let me give you a few:
If the singer dresses laugh-out-loud badly? Like the girl who dressed for her mood and THAT day was wearing red fur and a corset and hideous patent heels and a bizarre vintage hat. If they have a scarf around their neck, if they sit outside the audition room and talk about how wonderful they are and say that "sometimes when I sing...people CRY" and/or that they sound like lots of different singers but are very unique...if they claim that there's nobody like them? If they can't even pronounce American Idol? If the show spends a LOT of time focusing on them and their proclamations inside the venue but nowhere else? Especially if people behind them are making faces and laughing? THAT is a sign.
The flip side is when they show film footage of the upcoming contestant in their hometown or at their job. They wouldn't take the time to follow them home if they didn't win (unless they are deliciously horrible). The other sign is usually a good deal of humility, grace, polish, intelligence, and manners. They've spent years performing and learning how to behave and how to be gracious. It's pretty easy to pick them out.
But horror is what we devour first so let's get back to that....
Then there was the contestant who was Paula's biggest freak..uh...I mean fan who walked in all "HIIIII Paulaaaaa!" and was leering and got pretty close to the judge's table and pulled out a rose from his jacket's inner pocket, but it looked more like he was pulling out a gun. It was more than a little bit scary. And fitting for the newest addition to the store. I call it Stalker Humor... though I'm still working on more products for that area, so check back soon. To be fair, it may be a few weeks since I'm trying to find a better balance between entries here and store updates.
Back to freakville, though. I have to give the judges credit because with all those weird-ass people?? And especially the ones pissed off by rejection? I'd want bullet-proof glass between me and the unwashed masses. That and eight bodyguards. Guess uh...guess that's why *I* am not a judge, eh??
The people who really baffle me are the ones who, upon complete rejection by ALL judges, ask, "Can I sing another song??" These delusional people actually think the reason they didn't do well and didn't get sent to the next round is because of SONG CHOICE or because they were nervous. As though nerves could change your voice THAT much. Yes, nerves do play a small part in how you sound, especially when faced with these famous judges who can make or break you, not to mention the camera and the knowledge that millions of people will soon see your face and hear your voice, but not THAT much. If you're good? A) it will still show through, and B) You're good enough that this isn't the first time other people have heard you sing and you're confident enough that, when performing for judges, nerves barely enter into the equation. Sorry...but it's true. You can see it on the faces, hear it in the voices, and sense it in the body movements of every GOOD performer everywhere, but especially on the show. But these people don't GET that. They believe they're one song away from their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and when told (and sometimes BEGGED) not to sing another NOTE, they ignore it and...start singing anyway, even when told to LEAVE. HOW can they POSSIBLY believe that this will change their minds?? Seriously? It's almost as bad as the people who say "But I worked so hard...this is all I have...I really AM great..." and, my absolute favorite (usually said while on their knees and crying), "...Please? I REALLY want this" Ohhh, oh, you REALLY wanted this? Really? And you practiced a lot?? OHHHHH, well then...that changes EVERYTHING! Come along to Hollywood! Silly me! We just didn't KNOW how much you really wanted this!
Dumbasses.
I also loooove the contestants (NEVER good ones) who perform the time-honored Ear-Cup or One-Ear-Plug action while warbling their alien muzak, as shown in the example below:
And I know exactly what they're doing. They think professionals do this to sing better and that if THEY do it, it will make them look more 'schooled' and will display for the judges just how knowledgeable and wildly talented they are. Uuuuhhh...NO. a) professionals only 'do that' in the studio, when they have one ear phone they hold to their ear, and that headphone is playing the background MUSIC which helps them stay in tune.
You know, I can't say it enough, especially considering the latest Rosie O'Hafta-Bitch-About-Somethin' rants: it's hard to feel sorry for these people. They KNOW what to expect. And should be more angry at producers and the screeners. When the shows air and they do the sweeping camera shots of full stadiums, you can see the dividers set up in the center of each room where people are called by their numbers and sing for various staff members through several rounds of auditions before the Top Three Judges are ever even seen. THOSE people, those screeners, are the ones who mark the horrific non-singers who they think will cause a commotion and make for Good T.V. and put them through KNOWING how bad they are. I have no doubt this started out much like the Left Door issue. I have no doubt it started out with them trying to be funny and sending a few bad ones through to Simon, Paula, and Randy just to mess with them, to get shots of them trying not to laugh, and the reactions and interactions were so amusing they left them in. That turned into being huge hits with audiences and...voila. And it's been going on for years. Longer in the UK since they started the show across the pond.
99% of these people who show up to audition KNOW this and know how the judges are and what typically happens. They KNOW that not everyone sings well and that there is a good possibility that some of the people in line (including themselves) won't make it and aren't good enough. We constantly hear that you have to have a thick skin to deal with The Business and that rejection is a good portion of the process. Even some of the very best talents in the world have been rejected several times before making it big. Which is what makes the reactions and angry fits that much funnier. The lack of grace and the poor sportsmanship shows that, deep down, they know it too...that they aren't good (and in fact SUCK) and they don't want to face the average nature their life will forever be and so they fight. With the judges, with the cameras, with themselves. They make spectacles of themselves and they thrill us with our cringing and our embarrassment FOR them (read: the crazy, teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-breakdown girl who insisted that she was a horrible singer, yes she KNEW that, but she should still be put through so they could teach her and transform her and it would be GENIUS! All this while sobbing and periodically shouting crazy sounds...uh HUH). And no, I don't feel sorry for most of them. They knew going in what they were up against and it's part of the gig, babe.
Ohhh and how I LOVED that they started locking the left door in every city...on purpose. I read in an article that the first city's left door was accidentally stuck and was beyond their control, yet the amount of people who tried to use that door while stomping angrily out after a rejection was so large and so funny that they started doing it deliberately in every city. It was even better when coupled with Simon's You daft PRICK-sounding "Utha Doh" comment, which always came just seconds after the person tried valiantly to insult each judge who rejected him. It was PRICELESS.
I am also here to tell you that Rosie can just fuck right off. I am so tired of these--let's just be brutally frank here--utter PUSSIES who whine that they're so meeeeean to these poor kids. PLEASE. Yes, there are a few I feel bad for* when their dreams are crushed, but it's usually the ones who are only merely average; who CAN sing, but have no real stage presence or anything that really sets them apart and are sent home. Or the ones who are clearly so painfully shy and take a whopping huge step by doing this and are rejected, whether they can sing or not...those are the people I feel bad for. Even some of the shockingly horrible singers sometimes, because they clearly suck and either nobody loved them enough to tell them they weren't good enough, or people DID tell them and they refused to believe it. Beyond a twinge of sympathy here or there? NO, I don't feel bad and and I want Rosie to shut UP (and go away).
People hear me: the show is now in its SIXTH season. SIX years they've been doing this. You can't seriously tell me that NONE of these kids are aware of what Simon et al. are like and what to expect. They KNOW. What makes it so delicious is that these idiots are so arrogant and ignorant and utterly CLUELESS that they truly, TRULY believed they sing beautifully and are shocked when told...the truth. That they SUH-HUH-HUCK. And these three individuals who, moments before, they believed to be completely full of genius intellect are now total morons who have no clue about the music industry nor the talent necessary to sell records. I especially love the ones who don't bother to do any research about the people they're auditioning for (first clue) and learn that Simon has produced a multitude of successful acts for nearly THREE DECADES. That Randy was in a HUGELY popular and best-selling band. And Paula - while certainly not full of depth or meaningful prose, was insANELY popular in many different areas within the industry. To then imply that because THEY don't hear what YOU hear when you 'sing' they must be idiots who have no business in the industry? Is hysterical for us at home. If they'd sent you through to the next round? They would have been the smartest people ever born.
I can't imagine (and almost envy) what it is within their brains that cares so deeply for their inner selves that it would produce such false security (not to mention false SOUND to their ears and minds). What must that be like? I mean, I'm sure we all have it a little bit. Those of us who sing when we're alone in our cars or homes or in the shower...when we know that nobody else can hear us (and we forget that people in other cars can SEE us). Admit it...many of us (yes, me included) sing some songs and are conVINCED that we sound exactly like the person singing. That, with just a weeeee bit of vocal coaching, we could be just as famous. In fact, if we admit our truest, deepest feelings, we may even be better. Yet when it comes to the idea of actually auditioning...of having to perform for strangers and, further, possibly on television? We suddenly come to our senses and realize that if we WERE great singers? We'd probably have found that out looooong before now. Well, with the exception of ME, of course. *I* really am a great and untapped talent. But everyone else....
Seriously, though. I can feel compassion when it comes to that. Everyone wants to be special. Nobody wants to believe that our cubicles are the only walls we're destined to live within outside of our homes. That we'll never be famous or rich or pampered. That we're...gasp...AVERAGE. I'm almost FORTY and I'm only just admitting this truth to myself. That I'm not really that special and will probably never have a million dollars (or more) at one sitting without the aid of criminal tools and a mastermind-for-hire.
At any rate, I look forward to the coming weeks, though not especially Hollywood Week. I love the train wreck people who are awful, but those who are good enough to possibly have a career at this and then throw it all away being an idiot during this all-important week? Makes me sick inside. And mostly angry because so many people would KILL to have that opportunity and wouldn't piss all over it the way so many of those kids do.
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*Note: See how I didn't say 'feel badly' for? you don't feel badly unless you're using your hands to feel something and you screw it up. To do something badly means to not do something well. If you feel guilt or pain for something or someone? You simply feel BAD. Stop saying "badly". It doesn't make you sound smarter. Especially since it's grammatically incorrect.
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Quick note to people who want to know if it's okay to link to me: first, I may not always reply because I get thousands of spam mails a week, many of them asking about links and many of those containing viruses either in the email or on their sites. It's hard to tell which are legitimate and I'd rather not find out the hard way. The contents of my computer are too valuable to take that chance. So let me save time and trouble and make sure you know that I'm not intentionally ignoring any well-meaning and polite people out there: It's always okay to link to me. Of course, I'd rather you not be hateful about it, but hey...I'm all about your right to speak freely and share your own thoughts and opinions with the wide wide world of web. ;-)
Happy linking, y'all!
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While working on gathering search terms for tonight's entry, I began to feel really cold (which almost never happens) so I asked George:
Gracie: "Is the door open?"
George: "Probably. Why?"
Gracie: "Cause I'm cold and I'm NEVER cold and also I smell.... ewwwwww"
George: "You smell EWWW?"
Gracie: "No. I smell ...fireplaces...chimneys...whatever. The 'ewww' was due to my search terms. As I was talking about the door and smoky smell, I came across an entry in my stats that says, 'grandma sucks my pusy' and I got very very SICK."
George: "Yyuuuurrrrk!"
Gracie: "I know."
George: "..."
Gracie: "OH wait! It's GRANDPA. ...Not grandma. ...GRANDPA sucks my pusy."
George: "Oh cause THAT makes it better"
Gracie: "Seriously, what is WRONG with people??"
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Not too much later, while still going through the stats (hey...there were 4,000 to sort through and that was just for this afternoon...it takes TIME sweets) and our chat went like this:
Gracie: "See...these things bother me...."
George: "What things?"
Gracie: "Thing like 'sleeping bitch fucked' and 'divorce bitch nude wife'"
George: "Wow."
Gracie: "I know."
George: "..."
Gracie: "...are they YOU?"
George: *Laughs hard* "Yeah, Grace, it's ME. I type little hostile sentences in search engines, then imMEDIATELY go to your Web site, just in case you see it and know it was me trying to be rude."
Gracie: "Well...it could happen...like you're mad at me and you're feeling a little passive aggressive, so you type something really mean and then click my link...just to GET ME...."
George: "You're INSANE."
and yet...less than 5 minutes later he props his bare feet up on the coffee table and laments his toes. He claims his toes are fat and freakish and look like--sorry PC people of the world, but--midget fingers. I quickly disagree, wanting him to feel better about himself, and I whip off my own sock and place mine up near his and exclaim that MINE are the TRUE sausage toes, all short and fat and, in comparison, his are loooong and SKINNY.
He disagrees wholeheartedly and proclaims his toes the worst and fattest. I want to make my point so I lean over his feet and place my index finger next to his second toe and am shocked that his second toe is as LONG AS MY INDEX FINGER! And I yell that to him along with things like "OHMYGOD!" and "You have FREAKISHLY LONG TOES!" he then makes a comment about some other body part and the conversation goes downhill for a few minutes, but we get back on track with our ridiculous toe comparisons and he makes me hurt myself laughing when he reminds me of a pack of sausages we bought recently where the picture on the outside looked WONDERFULLY good and tasty and the sausage that was actually included? Looked NOTHING like that and was not only ugly and gross-looking, but TASTED like ASS as well. George brings this up and I get a head cramp from laughing so hard (partly because...i hate to admit this...but what he says is sorta true) "Lookit! My toes look like those sausages whose pictures looked nothing like the sausages in the box! Look! They're all lumpy and the top is sorta BENT and they don't look yummy at ALL! LOOKIT!" and I see the hammer-y shape at the top and the lumpiness, and...I die laughing because it really is kinda true! And before I can catch my breath, he's at it again with: "Lookit the little FAT ones on the end!" and here is where Gracie loses it laughing again...almost as much as from the previous "messed-up-lying-sausage" comment, but also because his pinky toe IS, in fact, freakishly different from the rest and while laughing really hard I realize...we've spent the last five minutes comparing our toes and arguing over whose are fatter and more unnatural (with George fighting hardest and...winning).
Yeah...but I'M insane.
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Someone arrived here searching for:
do boys have cooties? [duh. Of COURSE they do! **see note below]
squirrel poop identification [thanks SO much. I spit out the last delicious bite of chili due to this search term and my unexpected laughter]
kinds of vaginas [because they're SO different]
anti valentines sayings [thanks for asking...I have several new ones here: at the angst store]
funny candy heart sayings [see above]
"he's so dumb" [I know. But we marry them anyway. Because they're still lovable and funny and generally GOOD]
rude "candy heart" [ohhh, trust me. THAT is covered up there at the store as well]
biiiig tits
space mutiny sounds pantyhose [dear god. what does pantyhose have to do with my favorite B...no...F movie??]
man will start masturbate when wearing pantyhose [ohhhh not ALL man]
brittany spears trash [I'll take "Stating the Obvious" for 200, Alex?]
nude girls with pimples
reporters locker room naked [waaaay less cool than you would initially imagine.]
translate i love you very much in german [that would be here]
what noise does a raccoon make? [kill kill kill...cha cha CHA]
fanny fart fetish
"i hate guinea pigs" [well thank you. Very much.]
girls peeing beside cars
old african american sayings [white people suck = no. 728]
what makes cramps hurt? [men?]
pimples in my pussy [aaaaand now I no longer miss my chili]
funny girls pooping [who determines whether the girl is funny or not??]
body waxing for men pantyhose [I have to say...I'm becoming increasingly alarmed that MY site is the top one for these searches]
girls fucking a squirrel [please call 866-killyourselfforthebettergood]
pant poop thumbs [gross.]
"flu etiquette" [are you kidding??]
angst the sexy movie [yeeeah...iiiii don't think you'd wanna SEE that. Trust me]
grandpa fucker [or that]
1 [THESE DRIVE ME INSANE!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU HOPING TO FIND WITH THIS SHIT!?]
it is SCARY how much I've learned about sick & twisted people and the wild world of fetishes since starting this site. Just sayin'
tomboy porno [hehe. come on...outta the closet, you!]
women farting porn
dating rules for america
embarrassing valentines sayings
take a chance. teach my ass. [seriously...I can't take the sudden headaches from laughing this hard!]
"bikini wax" before and after pictures [nooooooooooooo!]
lalala lalala typing this so I don't have to listen to George, who suddenly feels the inexplicable urge to explain to me WHY we don't want to see those pictures...the words BLOOD and SPOTS were mentioned before I blocked his voice from my head....lalalalalalala I can't HEAR you...
macarthur park lyrics what the hell do they mean [I feel your pain, toots]
locker room angst
dunking-fetish [donut or TANK??]
pictures demi moore's children [I must be getting soft in my old age, 'cause I'm feeling a little guilty that I made fun of her kids in their...awkward phase(s). Eh...it'll pass.]
hockey game etiquette [Aaaand I'll take Oxymorons for 400, Alex]
american girls fucked championship [there's a CONTEST??]
"i don't want to be a lesbian"
more fatties.com
my boobs magically grew bigger
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**do boys have cooties = Duh, of COURSE they do! And I created products to display it HERE and I also created products, though they aren't true, of course, that GIRLS HAVE COOTIES here.
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