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If you aren't sure if that's something you can do? Even if you reeeeeally want to? Consider it for a little while first. Grab a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of doing it each way. Ask yourself why you would handle it one way or the other. Be honest with yourself and think about handling it the way you think you 'ought' to. Consider the fact that it probably isn't because you truly want to, but because you feel that you should. Because she gave birth to you, and even though, in spite of her behavior, you still turned out to be a decent, caring person, you may be a little worried that others will think less of you and/or look down on you for making the decision to honor your surrogate mother...because of society and perceptions of hurt feelings and passivity and because most people aren't able to take that stand themselves and will resent your strength (and the slight coldness it will take) in making that choice. Maybe you're worried that you're mean, selfish, not a decent, good person for wanting someone other than your biological mother up there. Those are normal concerns and questions and feelings, but I think you're being too hard on yourself.
And hey...perhaps you'll find that you really DO want her there, but feel that it would be a slight betrayal of your surrogate...perhaps you want them BOTH up there with you and are just worried that one or both of them won't go for it...ask yourself these questions and more. Admit to yourself what you really, REALLY want...in a perfect world, what you would choose, and then decide if you are able to ask for that. And be prepared for the fall-out of either choice, because no wedding that doesn't occur in Vegas is allowed to go off without someone getting pissed off or wounded or without someone's control-freak nature coming out, but you have GOT to decide ahead of time what you want and stick to it. You cannot allow anyone to talk you out of it or guilt you into another choice because it will certainly wreck that day and you will hate yourself for being forced into doing something someone else's way, especially on your wedding day, and you will regret it. Resentment will follow and it just isn't a day you want marred by those feelings. Make your decision, rehearse your firm "I'm sorry you feel that way, but my decision is final. You are free to stay home if you disagree with my choices" speech and stick to it.
Regardless, the most important question to ask yourslef is if what you want is more important than what others want. Which person do you truly feel belongs with you on that day? Not because you resided inside their body for 9 months, but because of their character and treatment of you once you arrived? Whose time with you on that day will result in the happiest memories when you look back on it? I think we know the answer to that. But...if you have been worked over by your bio-mom for many years, you may be hearing an evil voice in your head that beats yourself up on a regular basis...ahhhh the guilt voice. If yours is tuned to top volume and you don't think you can deal with the guilt or the resulting crap you may get (from her or others) then maybe you can find a compromise. I would suggest considering all the comprises ahead of time rather than asking for her idea of a compromise. The idea here is to take control yourself and squash any attempts to rule you and this event ahead of time. Set the tone now so there are no questions or blowups later. As the day approaches, your stress levels will rise and I am sure you would rather deal with wedding stress in the way of caterers, photographers and registry issues as opposed to guilt, controlling, I Carried You In My Body But Nooooobody Cares Cause I'm Such a Horrible Person and Everyone Would Just Be Better Off if I Just Waaaaasn't Heeeeeere At Aaaaaalll! guilt in addition to the wedding stress, ya know?
Be careful with the compromise route, though. Feelings will still be hurt and scores WILL be tallied and if she finds (as she surely will) that she comes up short? Ohhhh you will pay. Certainty: it will inspire you to stab yourself in the eye. Repeatedly. I can further assure you that it won't be pretty. She WILL make a scene...if not on your wedding day, it will be doled out in brutal fashion later, whether directly to you or to anyone who will listen, so you will absolutely have to develop a thick skin pretty quickly, and will have to remind yourself that she has a problem. Not you. And you are not responsible for coddling her. So be sure to consider every scenario, every argument, every possibility, and base your (YOUR) decisions on what you want, first and foremost, and everything after that is merely a means to ensuring that your decision is carried out.
Now go plan that wedding and be thankful that you've been given this excuse to do what you've secretly yearned to do for a long time. What you have a right to do...and are justified in doing. Believe me, you will be proud of yourself for taking a stand and deciding not to be bullied any longer. It's a sticky situation, but as my dad says "Hey! In 6 months you'll know how it all turned out!"
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