Rantings of Great Import
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| :: American Angst :: Rantings of Great Import |
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Sunday, February 12, 2006
Gracie, Well, now on to the advice portion. Fair warning - this will be long so
feel free to snip, cut, zap whatever as you see fit if you decide to use
it in your column. I will try to keep it as short as possible, but you
gotta have some back story to understand the whole situation. The backstory.... Now, I am 29 years old and the youngest of 5 siblings. If it
tells you anything about how we grew up all of us at some time in our
lives have actively attempted suicide. I have been thru that particular hell and thru years of therapy
and some good drugs have been on an even keel and had a good handle on
life for many years now. In my early teens my best friend's parents saw
my struggles and took it upon themselves to love me as their own and
were able to show me what stability and unconditional love was about and
they have been my "surrogate" parents ever since. I have always kept
distant contact with my biological mother and father because I felt I
should for some reason, but it has been distant and on my terms. The current situation... Anyway - ultimately what I need advice on is this - I want my
"surrogate" mom to be able to sit front and center at the wedding and to
be with me while I am getting ready for the ceremony etc. When I
mentioned to my biological mother what I wanted she went into her
typical "no one loves me blah blah blah". At this point I would be just
as happy if my bio mom didn't even come to the wedding. I feel though
that this won't happen without a nasty confrontation between my mother
and I which on some level would be deeply satisfying, but ultimately I
don't think it would be a good thing. Do you guys have any advice for
me? Wedding Angst in Texas ----------------------------
Gracie's Response: Note: I do, eventually, answer your question, Ms. Texas, but I'm terribly self-absorbed, as we all know, so it takes me a bit of what I like to call "Relatin'" before I can get to that, so bear with me. Second note: I just typed out all of that below and still hadn't gotten to your answer yet, so to be fair to you...your advice will come first and then you can choose whether or not to read my account of Why Gracie is Qualified to Answer Your Question. Also, my advice is based on the premise that neither of these women are paying for the wedding. That would certainly change things, because if your bio-mom is paying for it all and she is relegated to the 9th pew on the left? Noooooot such a good idea. Same goes for surrogate mom if SHE is paying for the wedding. If they're both contributing financially? Then you will have to come to some sort of compromise. Shudder. PLEASE consider Vegas. ;-) No? Okay then. Here goes: First: Congratulations! I found my other half six years ago and I still adore him just as much (if not more) than I did when we met and I love hearing when others find theirs, so yay you!
Now, before we get to the wedding issue, you need to tell your sister-in-law, in no uncertain terms, that you no longer want to be told what your mother has been saying about you. I get that she feels put in the middle and it's not fair that she has to listen to it, but that is HER choice and, as a grown woman, she is perfectly capable of saying to your mother: "You know what? This really isn't my business and I would prefer not to be involved" and change the subject. If she doesn't have the cajones to say that? Well, that's too bad, but that is on HER and, despite that fact that you and she are close, it's actually pretty shitty to transfer those messages (and the resulting weight of that toxicity) onto you. It does nobody any good and causes pain, to boot. She needs to make it clear that she will not entertain the wailing any longer...that your mother should speak with YOU if she has an issue WITH you and, if she can't, she needs to keep it to herself. That goes for BOTH of them. You, in turn, need to make it clear to sis-in-law that YOU will no longer entertain those messages either. And maybe once she realizes that she has to hold it all in on her own? That she can't unload on you any more? Well, maybe then she'll get a little tougher and will stand up to your mom as well. Win-win! Regarding your wedding day dilemma? I'm sure all the other Advice Column Mavens would suggest finding a happy medium and letting both be involved. Me, though? Misanthropic Gracie? Oh HAY-uhl no. Here's my advice: the honor goes to the woman who sanely and lovingly supported you and helped you survive the trauma of being raised by Crazy McNutterson. I know it's not her fault she's crazy, but most martyr-ish, snot-face moms who behave such as yours know, on some level, that they're being shitty. They do. And yet they continue to torture their families. And I simply disagree with the notion that, just because they're family, you have to suck it up and eat it. Especially when said shitheads choose not to obtain 'help' for their issues. Therapy and medication are readily available (even at the health clinic and on a sliding fee scale) so there is NO excuse to put yourself (and your loved ones) through such hell.
So. My advice would be to give the honor to your surrogate mom. Let your bio-mom know, firmly, that you have made this decision and she is free to accept it or not, but that this decision is final. That you would appreciate her presence if she can offer her attendance in a respectful, decent manner. If she whines, lays on the guilt, wails profoundly about her lack of lovability? Repeat after me: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll talk to you later." It doesn't have to turn into a speech or lecture on all the ways she failed you...she knows she did; you know she did. Nobody can change it or fix it or make it disappear. It is what it is. It's your day and you are free to arrange that day as you wish. She screwed up your childhood...you didn't. So why should YOU choose to bear the guilt and angst of HER actions? You shouldn't. So don't. But that's just me... I have a much longer, more drawn out version of my advice, but after I went back and re-read what Angst in Texas wrote, I felt that a lot of it probably didn't apply to her. If, however, you're in much the same situation and want to hear some more advice on the subject? Or are just bored and need something more to read? Click Here. Now on to Why I Kin Reeee-Late to Ya.... Note Before: Read it quickly because I have NO doubt that I will either be chastised for saying this or will be overcome with shame for discussing it and will probably end up removing it in the near future... Gracie's Novella: It's been about half a year since that happened and, shock of shocks, I haven't received any memos notifying me of her beatification. I continue to hear about her ongoing behavior (no different) and I am...relieved. That I extricated myself from that particular hell and no longer have to deal with it and suffer the stomach pain that goes hand in hand with visiting her. People always say "Ohhhh, don't cut her out of your life like that. You'll regret it some day!" Gracie: "Uuuuum...Not so much." Others: "But...you WILL if she...um...DIES." And I have considered that. Repeatedly and often, just to make sure I am making this decision rationally and without dramatic emotions, and I have to say, cold as it may sound, I just. Don't. Think. So. I'm sorry, but she has treated me like shit my entire life. I gave her a computer and, when she broke that, bought one for her then dealt with the hellish "Graaaay-cie...computers are STUPID and this is a piece of junk and you ripped me off and just because I refuse to listen to your advice or read the very detailed instructions you typed and printed for me is no excuse for this hunk of machinery not to read my mind and do what I wish it to!" phone calls...all of which lasted hours at a clip. I dealt with it and was forgiving and patient and did it out of love because she was family. Even when I spent painful months spending hours EVERY DAY driving her bajillions of miles roundtrip to play bridge at the senior center, took her shopping, and all over town. I would be in tears as I drove home because of the disease in my back and how much it hurt to sit in the car that long, and due to the arthritis in my hands and how gripping the steering wheel for hours each day would make them curl to the point that I had to physically UNcurl them at the end of the drive...and I did it for no other reason than she was family, she was alone, her eyesight had finally gotten so bad that she could no longer drive and I loved her. Well, and also because she'd run off all her friends and pissed off all her family members, and I couldn't stand to just leave her alone in her apartment, lonely and aimless. And, despite it all, I loved her. And was thanked for all of this by being told that I, in fact, did not love her. At all. That the only reason I was doing any of it was so I could have her car. Unbelievable. She offered up several other insults and was dumb enough to do so while on the way TO an event (as opposed to the much more clever method of waiting till she had finished her errands) and I was so stunned and hurt that I pulled off the road, turned the car around and headed back toward her condo. She, too, became stunned. "Wh...where are we going? what are you DOING?" I have NO doubt that my face displayed my feelings aptly. My jaw was thrust out and to the side, my eyebrows took up residence somewhere about a MILE past my hairline, and I blinked a really lot. I gripped the wheel tighter and said nothing. That, clearly, was unacceptable to Her Highness. "Are...Are we...heeeeey! Are you taking me HOME?!" Gracie: "Oh, you damn SKIPPY I'm takin' yer happy ass HOME." She, in proper Oh-So-Innocent Fashion and, in her patented Shocked and Injured tone had the nerve to ask "But...WHY?" I pulled over (to keep from killing us) looked over at her, incredulous, and explained it to her. Carefully, slowly, and without ceremony. That she was sadly mistaken, that she was ungrateful. That she was rude. That she had spent the majority of her life treating everyone around her like shit. That some day there wouldn't be anyone left around her to cater to her. That eventually everyone would get sick of putting up with it. That despite her abuse, I still loved her, regardless of her assertions to the contrary, and that the ONLY motive for carting her happy ass around was because she was family and I loved her and didn't want her to be lonely or trapped in her home. But since she was so convinced that I was simply using her for my own benefit, well, she didn't deSERVE that benefit today and could, instead, spend the rest of the day at home, alone with her thoughts. I pulled back onto the road, drove her to her condo and, after putting the car in park, suggested that she use her time today wisely. To wit: pull her calendar off the wall and study it. Mark off just how many days I --and nobody else-- had spent over the last several months driving her to and fro, usually requiring an entire day's time. How often we had gone to this store and that, to which appointment, or bridge game, how long each of those events took, what time I picked her up, dropped her off, drove home, turned around and drove back out, picked her up, took her to get groceries, assisted in putting said groceries away, helped clean, cook, make phone calls for her, and went back home. To consider just how much time that would leave Miss Gracie to go out and...whatever it was she thought I did with her precious car...and think again about how that doesn't translate into love and consideration in her colorful little world. And to perhaps ponder the concept of gratitude, however false, and whether it was simply to gain favors. And, finally, to consider the possibility that, despite herself, there ARE people who do things for others out of love and kindness and not to get something else in return. Ohhhh it felt so good. And, of course, later on I forgave her because she's old and not too 'there' and she's family and my actions meant that everyone else in the family now had to deal with her and her abusive ways and I couldn't stand the new and exciting ways she found to inflict guilt and pain on the others, so I sucked it up and started going to family events where she would be again and was pleasant and just ignored her snotty behavior, (usually...but occasionally with under-the-breath muttered jokes and sarcasm) again...out of respect for her daughter. Ohhh, she behaved a little better. For a while. To get others she'd hurt to come by and do things for her again, but she never actually 'got' it. She simply shifted her comments a little to get her way, all "Ohhh, wait...I'm not supposed to SAY THAT, though, AM I??" She didn't stop pitting family members against each other...she didn't stop abusing people at events. She simply acted nicer and poured on the guilt only when she needed something.
And I felt sorry for her. For the next 7 or 8 years, anyway. I took it because her daughter asked me to. To keep the peace. To be nice. Because...she was family. Whatever. And I did it...until I just couldn't any more. And, thankfully, on THAT day, her daughter also saw -clearly- just how bad it really was and apologized for having forced us to put up with it for so long and said she would never again ask that of us. That she was her mother, so she 'had' to (which, by the way, I whole-heartedly disagree with,) but I was now free to make my own decisions on having a relationship with That Woman. And I chose...not to. And I have yet to regret it. I am sad to say that I do not miss her at all. I do not feel guilty. I do not worry that I might in the future. I have thought about it until I was cross-eyed and I find that I feel nothing but relief. Perhaps if she had ever...EVER been kind or loving or selfless I would have a twinge here or there, but she didn't and I don't. And I am sad that more people aren't able to make that break themselves. To just say, after much consideration and abuse, of course, "You know what? I don't deserve this. And you don't deserve ME." and walk away. I have no doubt that the majority of people who choose to continue receiving the punishment of a relationship with a person like that do so out of fear...that they'll regret it later, that they'll beat themselves up after the person dies...that God will punish them for taking such a stand. Please. If there's a God? He wants you happy. And Free. So my advice to everyone: Stand up for yourselves. Or simply walk away. Give consequences to the bully who has trapped you so carefully for years on end. Be true to you and let them fend for themselves. Just...Be free.
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