The Russian woman that the KGB kicked out for being too mean caught me again the other morning as I was walking in. I had gotten quite good at avoiding her, but I was careless that morning and, as a result, she nabbed me.
To give you an idea of how she is and that it's not just me: A girl we work with has Huntington's Disease. Horrible, horrible illness. Russian ho' had the audacity to walk up to her, just before she left for medical leave, and said that herbs and chiropractic would've prevented this and if she just rubbed half an onion all over her naked body she'd be cured *snap* just like that! That alone deserves a good smack.
Another example is how she looooves to ask women (especially in the bathroom where you're trapped) who aren't rail thin if they are pregnant. I hate that others are hurt as much as I am by her absolute lack of class and tact, but I also like the fact that I'm not alone. Someone ELSE can share in her ravings of garlic and how, if you have a cold, you should turn your iron on reeeeeally high, and then squirt the steam at your face for a few minutes to relieve the congestion. Uh-huh. It will also relieve me of my eyesight and a good portion of FLESH, ya freak! (yes, she really did suggest this to me a week or two ago when I was sick. And yes, she did this with a straight face and was utterly serious.)
Anyway. As I'm walking to my desk, she grabs me. I feel the knot in my stomach and try to brace myself for the inexorable jab that's headed my way.
Evil Russian Bitch (ERB): "Goot marning, Guh-raaaayy-sseeeya. Haff yew lost zee veight?"
Gracie (sooo not in the mood): "Nope, sure haven't. It has a keeeeen sense o' direction and my ass is true north."
ERB: "Vhat??"
Gracie: "Nothing" *tries to keep walking*
ERB: "Ohhh vell, yew lewk jahst vonderfool today! So preeety!"
Gracie: *knowing it's a lie designed to give false sense of well-being* "Thank you so much! How sweet of you!" *Runs to avoid the inevitable Ruining of Any and All Compliments*
I managed to extract myself and get to my desk without further incident.
I wish I could say it lasted.
She caught me later that day when my back was turned, to pay me back for so rudely denying her of her right to insult the SHIT out of me. I'm standing near the fax machine, removing some staples from some paperwork I need to fax to the insurance company. She walks up behind me and grabs my braid (it's too hot in Georgia to have long hair without putting it up. Unfortunately, it just gave her something to hold onto to keep me from my usual duck n' cover actions when I see her coming) and scares the CRAP out of me. I jump about 3 feet in the air and emit a little 'yelp' sound. She laughs (a little meanly, I must say) and says:
ERB: "Ohhh Guh-raaaayy-sseeeya, joo haff sahch buh-YOOO-ta-ful hay-yur!" she continues to fondle my hair and the braid...making me oddly uncomfortable.
Gracie: "Why thank you, ERB. What a sweet thing to say!" *Goes back to unstapling papers, praying that she will let the compliment stand and allow me to bask happily in it.*
Nope - no such luck. It went on....
ERB: "Eeet iss sahch a lovely col-ore of blonde! So many shades of blonde! So lovely!"
Gracie: "Oh, well thank you so much!"
waaait for it.....waaaait for it....
ERB: "Joo arrre velcome. So tell me...how you choose it?"
Gracie (stunned, despite knowing ERB): "Excuse me??"
ERB: "Zee col-ore. EEEt is so lovely. How you choose it?"
Gracie: "What do you mean?"
ERB: "Did joo know zee co-lore you vanted and yew just look at all zee boxes in zee grocery store, or deet yew haff anozzer vay of choosing zat colore? How you choose?"
Gracie: *huffily, despite best attempts not to be* "I. was. BORN. with. it. Thankyouverymuch"
ERB: *receive look of 'yeah...riiiight' from her* "Ahhaha..zat Mozzer Naychur, she funny."
I just don't like her. I reeeally want to kick her. She SEEMS sweet, and always smiles, giving the illusion that she's a nice person and yet each and every time I am forced to speak with her, I am left with a lingering feeling of having had my fingernails dragged repeatedly down a chalkboard against my will.
