Okay, that's it. I've had enough.
If you are a person who frequently, or has in the past, told someone that a) they need to lose weight; b) you know of myriad ways to shed those pounds; or c) that herbs are a teeeerIFIC way to get rid of that fat ass, this entry is for you.
Please, 5 seconds after reading this, go to your garage, ensure that the doors are closed, get in your car, start it, then spend the next 8 hours thinking about what a schmuck you are.
So this morning, I get an email from my good friend Joxy telling me how a particular (non-Russian) coworker sent her an email asking if she'd join Weight Watchers with her. I was surprised to note that I was shocked. After aaaaall the indignation people cause me to feel around here (and, let's face it, elsewhere) I can still be shocked. Whooda thunk it??
Back to the story: Not only has Joxy recently shed 20 pounds in 3 months and looks fan-freakin'-tastic, but she looked great beFORE she lost the weight. Yet these people felt it within their rights to corner her in the bathroom, when she was 5 months pregnant, and gave her a rundown of all the methods she could employ to lose weight. When she was NOT pregnant, they took it upon themselves to inquire as to when her baby would be due. People are asses, and lots of 'em apparently congregate here at our office.
Here is today's email exchange:
-----Original Message-----
From: Joxy Rappaport
Sent: Tuesday, September 02, 2003 12:11 PM
To: Gracie
Subject: FW: Onsite Weight Watchers Meetings
Gee, there's nothing like being included specifically on an email like this. Here I was, feeling pretty good about dropping 20 lbs. over the past 3 months, and then I get this.
Is it any wonder that I can't stand her?
-----Original Message-----
From: Ooglee Fattalong
Sent: Tuesday, September 02, 2003 11:22 AM
To: Email addresses boldly listed of several people who eat more than a grape at each meal
Subject: Onsite Weight Watchers Meetings
Hi all,
Just throwing this out there, I would love to join Weight Watchers but with time at work it's hard. If we can get at least 12 people together that would want to participate, I think we can have a Weight Watchers Rep come onsite and have weekly meetings. If you know of anyone else (male or female) that might be interested, please forward this email and then when I get a headcount, I will forward to HR or [Facilities Guy] (don't know who would actually make the arrangements).
P.S. My husband works at [Local Monolith] and they have a very successful onsite program. He has seen a lot of people dropping a tremendous amount of weight. So I know it works!
Signed,
Ooglee Fattalong
And my reply:
-----Original Message-----
From: Gracie
Sent: Tuesday, September 02, 2003 12:12 PM
To: Joxy Rappaport
Subject: RE: Onsite Weight Watchers Meetings
God I hate people. And I have never, not ever liked her (remember the Osama Bin Laden piņata idea she had? And how she couldn't understand why that would be considered offensive? Even AFTER we reminded her that about a third of our department's staff is Muslim...??) This just cements it.
She and ERB ought to get together n' go bowling
I was still fuming on my friend's behalf when who should round the corner to my cube, but my ole' buddy ERB. My heart sinks a little, as it always does, when I realize that she has me trapped. It gets worse, though, when she opens her mouth, as she is wont to do. Let's listen in to her latest:
ERB: "Guh-reee-sseee?"
Me: "Uh-huh?" Because I simply cannot bring myself to be sweet to her anymore
ERB: "Deet joo ket zee email ziss mornink...."
And I know what is coming
ERB: "...about zee Veight Vatchers? Becausssse.....aahhh....."
Me: "Ohhhh, you can just stop right there, ERB. I heard about it, and I am NOT doing it."
ERB: *Shocked* "Joo AREN'T?!"
Bitch
Me: "No, ERB, I am not. I find it offensive."
ERB: "Zee Veight Vatchers, eet ees offensssiff?"
Me: "No, Weight Watchers is not offensive, ERB. What IS offensive are people who feel that it is perfectly all right to approach their co-workers and tell them how they ought to lose weight. I would JUST like to know exactly what in your makeup tells you that it is acceptable to discuss such a private matter with someone you aren't married or related to? Tell me, because I really would like to know how it doesn't seem at ALL rude to you."
ERB: *Blinks a really lot*
Me: "...No? Because I'll tell ya, babe, every single one of the people you keep offending are quite well aware of their bodies, and have no doubts whatsoever what does and does not need to be done in regard to those bodies. It is an intensely private matter, meaning it is none of your business. None of us would EVER do that to someone else, but we were obviously raised differently, in that we learned that it was RUDE to tell someone they're fat and suggest weight loss tips. And I would really like to know why you didn't receive that lesson? WHY did your mother not clue you in that you should never, not EVER tell someone, esPECIALLY unsolicited, that they need to lose weight??"
ERB: *Blinks a few more times* "Errrm...vell...joo know...Iiiiii...vell...my pants? Zay ayr tight, jess? So...I...vell...okay, I sorry, bye."
Me: "Buh-bye, now"
I'm telling you, I have had it up to HERE with her and everyone else who feels that, once a person tips the scale past the Barbie Doll mark, that it's within their God-given rights to lecture me. I KNOW what is wrong with each inch of my body, and what needs to be done. If you think you are imparting a great wisdom upon me, you're wrong. The only wisdom you pass along is that you are a jackass who will soon be ridiculed on my website.
I am happy, my husband is happy. We love each other as we are and, when either of us chooses to take on a diet or exercise program, we support that person fully. But we do not harass, malign or abuse the other for not always succeeding. I will take care of myself, thank you, and so should you. So please, do us all a favor and just. Shut. THE FUCK. Up.
