I walked out of the bedroom the other morning and George called me into the computer room. He was grinning most silly-like and, as soon as I arrived, he pressed a button and turned up the volume on his PC. I was soon assaulted with the sounds of hideous Christmas torture (read: songs...if you can CALL them that) and I, of course, covered my ears and displayed my offended feelings by issuing a fake barfing noise and demanded to know who the HELL that WAS? He caused my blood to run cold by informing me that it was none other than...Billy Idol.

Billy Frickin' I-D-O-L.

And what's worse than Billy F. Idol singing (badly at that) Christmas songs?? My husband LISTENING to them. Such a weird, weird man.

Speaking of Christmas songs... Bruce Springsteen's Christmas song? The one where he talks to his band at the beginning? is STUPID.

I recently made the fatal error of asking George who he thought was hot since he pretty much criticizes every celebrity out there, especially those that are typically thought of as 'hot' by the general (aka normal) public. It always makes me happy when he's smart enough to criticize and pick apart traditionally pretty women, calling them hideous cause they're too skinny, complimenting the ones who are a bit heavier and saying how extra meat = sexy. He's good that way. But it makes me wonder who he DOES find attractive if he's always dry heaving at the regular ones? So getting ready for bed the other night, I asked him (duh...I have ovaries, I was bound to ask this stupid question at SOME point!) and he named a few people but summed it up--as he was fast fading into dreamland--by saying that he would prefer to cut up many celebrities and merge them into one (I inquired as to whether he, too, would insist that It Puts the Looootion in the Baaaasket when HE performed said cutting and he replied in the affirmative). Before dropping off to sleep completely, he (with eyes closed) fumbled around and found my head with his hand and patted me twice, firmly, on top of said head, and delivered the most romantic of lines:

"...but I would always put YOUR brain in them cause...I yiiiike yooooouuu!"

I chose not to be a Total Girl by saying "Ooohhh, I see...so my body isn't adequate....just my mind". He was, after all, tired.

Also...I heart him too much to destroy him at EVERY opportunity.

I just patted him back and said that I yiked him toooooo.

So I've put this off for far too long for a multitude of reasons and even though she prolly hates me now and plans never to read my site again, I still have to keep my word and post it (and hope she forgives my deep-seated, psychological need to procrastinate on this):

Advice Column:

Well. considering how long it's been, you will probably not only rescind the vacation offer, but may very well hate me too. It's okay; I understand. My problem, aside from personal stuffs that have kept me away, is that I have a situation very similar to yours and I have had a helluva time trying to separate my advice to YOU and preaching to my own ...Similar Situation Person. Sadly, I don't think I can fully separate the two, but I will definitely try. Here goes:

Dear Gracie,

Wow...funny that I didn't think to ask you..a perfect stranger...advice on this before. (insert chin scratchin' ri'cheer)

I'll try to keep this short...snicker snicker.

My mother and I have had a good relationship over the years. By that I mean we ignore each other. I had an emotionally/sexually/physically abusive father who sucked up all of her attention, so I basically raised myself. Surprisingly enough, I am a pretty well-rounded person with minimal permanent damage.

I don't recall ever having any serious Mother-daughter talks. I carried myself through my childhood and teens with the assumption that my problems were my own since she was usually buried in a romance novel, trying to escape what must surely have been an existence equal to mine in lousiness. I don't remember ever asking her what she thought about what I should do with my hair, or boys, or.....well...anything. I am and always have been a very independent person.

So, now that I am grown up and actually out of the house, she suddenly wants to hand out her opinion on everything I do. And she who was unavailable to me when I was young and actually NEEDED her to talk to, is angry that I don't call her every day from Germany where I am currently stationed.

First she was mad that I decided to join the Army. Never mind that I had lost my job and was about to be evicted with no job skills other than dog groomer. The Army has given me a roof over my head, food, travel opportunities, job skills and a college degree. Terrible institution it is.

Then she was mad that I volunteered to be stationed in Germany. Three years in Europe? A place I have dreamed of going my WHOLE life? No, no. I can't do that. My Mommy will miss me and I might be exposed to..gasp..culture.

Recently I purchased plane tickets for her and my great Aunt to come over here with part of my re-enlistment bonus. I have also reserved a few nice hotels in Germany, Belgium, and France for their stay here so that I can give them the European vacation that they have both wanted for so long. That = not cheap, but it was done out of love and is, therefore, priceless.

For my efforts, this was the response I got: "Why on EARTH did you RE-enlist???? I really think you should have discussed this with me first.( Did I mention that I am NEARLY THIRTY?!!!) Did you not even CONSIDER how this would affect your family?," immediately followed by, "Wow. I can't wait to come. It sounds like a fun trip."

My question is this: Do I kill her now and bury her in my basement or should I wait until she's old and decrepit so that it will look like she died of natural causes? I love my Mother. I do. She was 19 when she had me, so she was always a lot of fun to be around. We got along well throughout my life, but she was never the "motherly" type. Now that she's trying to make up for lost time, I'm not sure how to react to it. She is not hateful about it, just..whiny. Lots of sighing and that "where did I go wrong" Mom voice.

Do let me know what you think, or if you would like to have my unappreciative mother's fully paid vacation.

Your biggest fan in Germany,
H.

-----------------------------------------

Dearest H.,

First...YES, we would be happy to accept the fully-paid vacation! I've never been to Germany and from our email conversations over the last year or so, you're clearly a person I'd be proud to know and who would, no doubt, show a couple of goofballs from The Bah-ble Bay-ult a good time!

But...since your mom has likely already taken the trip (which was incredibly magnanimous of you to set up and pay for, can I just say???), let's move on (yes, yes, I'm getting to it...I really am!)

So many people I know are in this boat. If only their people could take a page from Gracie's Mother-in-Law's World-Famous Way of Dealing with Family...she's such a pro at it. She has no problem telling you you're being an ass when you are--clearly--being an ass, but she wouldn't dream of stepping in and criticizing life choices. She never, ever deals in guilt or strings...she accepts who her people are, no matter what.

Ahhh, but we can't all be so lucky as to have all Our People behave so selflessly, so let's get on to my analysis of your situation.

I'm sorry for what you had to go through in your childhood. It sounds pretty damned sucky. Not to mention the fact that your mom was negligent to the nth degree. Smack her for me, will ya??

I'd also like to congratulate you on what you've made of yourself (and it's ALL yours!). Good for you, sweetie. Success is sweet revenge, isn't it?

It's so sad that she has to make it all about herself, rather than being happy for you that your life is a success, in spite of her shitty parenting skills, and be happy that you've made your way to a happy existence, generally speaking. Instead, it's about her, her, and...oh, did I mention... HER?

See, I firmly believe that people who behave like this have suddenly realized that they've made many mistakes throughout their lives, usually to do with their children and they (oh-so-wrongly) believe that they can rectify them all now while they're on this side of wise, now that they finally 'get' it. Problem is, sad to say, this new Super Mom attitude is more about HER than it is about YOU. I'm not saying you're not wonderful; I know you are. But this? Equals all about her guilt and she wants you to assuage it, whether she realizes that or not. If she can successfully 'run' you now? She wasn't such a shit back then and she can stop beating herself up (as if she ever would). What she fails to GET is that, for better or worse, you are who she raised you to be; so what she's fighting...she created. Too bad she can't see the beauty in that, isn't it? And now she wants to change that lack of neediness that developed over the years of neglect and it's not possible (nor should it be). Oh, you'll give in to it, to a degree, because she probably also instilled within you that Guilt Switch we love and adore. But you have to be who you are, at the end of the day. It's your life, not hers. Sounds simple, but it's powerful when you feel the meaning of that statement deep within. You can give in here and there...pick your battles n' all that good stuff, but you can't (and shouldn't) compromise who you are just because she's suddenly gained a clue. It's not your job to get her into heaven.

And prepare yourself, because it will only get worse if you plan to have children. She will try to re-raise her children, righting her wrongs, through yours. She will also likely be a lot more loving, generous, and patient with the grandchildren than she was with you and will have Very Strong Opinions on all you do in regard to how you choose to raise them. She will probably give you much grief over any discipline you choose to enforce (or will scold you for a lack thereof...no matter what you do, it will be wrong) as well as admonishing you for not spending enough time with The Kiddos, read: same mistakes she made, times 8. When you point out that she did the same thing and YOU turned out just FINE, she will--dramatically, of course--lecture you on how SHE knows she wasn't perfect and was, in fact, a Horrible Mother and how she just doesn't want YOU to make the same mistakes that SHEEEEE made.

Also she'll refuse to get therapy.

Where's the advice in all this? Well...I'm not sure there is much, other than not compromising who you are and being prepared for more to come. I've been where you are and I'm still not sure I've figured out how to deal with it, except for periods of distance and peace, then giving in to the guilt and signing up for more of it, then getting tired of having your head bitten off for being reasonable and grown up and forcing a bit more distance once again, rinse, lather, repeat as necessary...your mileage may vary.

The nicest piece of advice I can give you is to offer to be here for you. To make sure you keep my email address handy and to use it whenever you need someone to talk to...someone who can relate. That'll be me.

And since it just wouldn't be complete without George's input:

Kill her. Make it look like an accident. DONE!

Ahhh, he's so succinct, nes pas? After glaring at me for swatting him, he offers a bit more: sit down and remind her that you're 30. Your life is your own. Ask her if maybe it occurred to HER how HER behavior (both then and now) would affect HER family--notably her DAUGHTER--when she acts critical and selfish, as she did for so many years and is doing now, despite her seeming about-face? Doubtful, but perhaps you could point that out a few times...see if she can learn to take a hint. In the end, it's your life. You're nearly 30, you're happy, you owe her nothing. Your happiness and success should be your only concern, not: "Am I doing what would make HER happy?"

Finally, I can tell you that no matter how good it feels to SAY this, you may want to think twice before doing so: "Want some NAILS to go with that CROSS, lady??"

Trust me.

Someone Arrived Here Searching For....

optical doctors

26 [I just do NOT understand what people hope to find when they type a number into a search engine.]

my bunny

freakin' fries stupid video [and this, children, is how we display: Hostility. Can you say hostility? Sure ya can!]

dog pusy [sigh]

mamas boobs song

fart smelling

how many tits does a dog have [same as yo mama]

jesusmotherofgod

ding fries are do

nude disco [dear god WHY?]

dogs- smacking their mouth [my dad used to do that to me...would take my hand and use it to smack my head and then say "stop hitting yourself! Why are you HITTING yourself??"...yeah...we were stable.]

nancy grace leather [I think I'd rather see old lady porn. seriously.]

petsmart pay scales

girl shitting in grass

whiskey and pancakes

whut is a poinsettia [it's a delicious vech-tuh-buhl. Try it. LOTS of it.]

how to get rid of gas pain after laparoscopic surgery [I speak from experience here: move. The only way to get rid of it is to move around, walk, bend as best you can. That's the only way.]

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