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I was watching 9 to 5 last night and everyone in the movie was making a big deal about Dolly Parton's boobs (of course) and I remember, as a kid, being just in AWE of her breasts. I couldn't believe someone could have such a huge chest. And, later, when I found out that she'd had them 'done' --something I'd never heard of at the time-- I was even more baffled. WHY would someone choose to do that??
But, time went on, I grew up (and, much to my dismay, developed breasts not much smaller than hers, fer chrissakes, thanks a LOT grandma) and more and more women started having their own chests 'done' and not always just to look a little bigger...a little more 'normal' in their own eyes, but doing them to ridiculous degrees (Hello Mother-of-the-Year candidate, Pamela Anderson!) and I suppose I'd (almost...hello Pamela) become numb to it.
Anyway - the movie. 9 to 5. I was watching it and was shocked to note that Dolly's boobs? Not so shocking anymore. Can you believe that?? Women today...celebrities and whoo-uhs anyway...seem to have chosen to have such huge breasts that even DOLLY freakin' PARTON seems only slightly large. And even THAT could be attributed to the freakish, old-time, Make-Yer-Tits-Look-Like-Missiles bra she wore as opposed to the actual size of her chest.
Wow.
Um...WHY am I discussing Dolly's boobs? Or ANY boobs for that matter?
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Insert awkward pause....
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Uncomfortably moving on....
Because of the frequency with which I embarrass myself with my own dreams and semi-sleep-state actions in the presence of my husband, it gives me immense, near-gleeful pleasure when HE is the one who has a ...moment.
And he certainly did the other day.
It's Saturday morning -early- and we're both in bed, sleeping peacefully. Well...for the moment, anyway. Suddenly I feel his hand on my shoulder *tap-tap-tap* and at first I think he's just being affectionate, though that's not his typical sleepy-time behavior. I groggily raise one eyebrow and partially open one eye, glance around and assess the situation...decide there is no immediate need for me to be awake and/or alert at this particular moment in time and shut my eye, attempting to return to my dream date with Jason Bateman.
Ahhh, but it was not to be. A few seconds later, I again feel the *tap-tap-tap* but it's more urgent this time. I'm assuming he requires a response, because he follows up the tappity-tapping with a drunk-sounding "Sssseat-eee, Syyyyeeetie, wate UP wate UUUUP!"
I oblige, if only to stop the physical abuse, and reply:
Gracie: "mmsuhfff?"
George: "COLOSSAL!!"
Gracie: "...whuh?"
George: "No, no, no! 'Member?? You were tellin' me with ...um...y'know...like..."
Gracie: *A bit more awake, but still sleepy and confused* "Babe? What are you...what is it?"
George: *Embarrassment increasing with each passing second* "Yeah, um...dream. Please ignore me."
I get one more pat...more of a shoulder-stroking, really; much like the petting-the-dog action you do when you want to acknowledge the dog who's lovingly gazing at you, begging for attention, but you don't have time to truly interact with it, and once George is satisfied that he has placated me, he rolls over and goes back to sleep, leaving me to my solitary bafflement.
As the previous few moments begin to replay itself in my mind, I, of course, become WIDE awake and full of amusement, so I quietly get up and go to the bathroom, laughing harder the more awake I become.
I return to the bedroom and see that he's still sleeping. Oh, no no no. This simply won't DO. So I wake HIM up in much the same fashion. Except in MY case, it goes a little something like this:
Gracie: *tap-tap-tap and then whispers softly in his ear* "Sweeeetie..."
George: "uhhhyuhh?"
Gracie: "gi-NORMOUS!!!"
George: *Looking very confused* "Www-h-aaa-t??"
Gracie: "Hey, I'm juuuuust replying in kind, honey. You know..." *widening my eyes and waving my hands around to amplify the explanation* "...speakin' yer LANGUAGE an' all."
George: *Realizes what's going on here...* "Okay. 'A'? Fuck off. And 'B'? HEY. I just know that our very LIVES depended on me waking you up and tellin' you 'colossal', all right?!"
He then rolled over -huffily and humiliated, of course- and I pat his arm, thanking him profusely for attempting to save my life with this important information. He mumbles something about an action I should perform on myself and goes back to sleep. Have I mentioned that George can fall asleep in less than 10 seconds? Yes, I know. SO not fair.
While he's sleeping again, I'm just sitting there, alone with my thoughts, and I can't stop laughing. The more I think about this, the funnier it gets, especially since he's now sleeping again and I'm trying to be quiet, which, as we all know, means that if you aren't suPPOSED to make noise or draw attention to yourself? Like in school or church or a funeral? Aaaaalways makes things immensely funnier. So there I am, bouncing with laughter and snorting, and I decide that we simply aren't DONE yet.
I gently stroke his arm and whisper: "Honey...?"
George: *quite annoyed* "WHAT?!"
Gracie: "REEEEALLY, REALLY BIG!" *proceeds to crack up at her wonderful sense of humor*
George: "Leave me alone. At least I used a BIG WORD!"
Gracie: "You're right, sweetie. I should've taken that into consideration. That changes EVERYTHING."
George: "You're such a bitch."
Gracie: "Clearly."
George: "You are."
Gracie: "I know. If only I'd had the smarts to keep a thesaurus by the bed for JUST SUCH AN OCCASION, I wouldn't be such a bitch. I could come up with bigger words and we'd be ALL. SET."
This is apparently satisfying to him, because he replies to this with snoring. Oh, that's right...he actually went to sleep AGAIN and, really, he's just BEGGING for it now. And anyway, he really does need to get up because his parents will be arriving soon for lunch, so I wake him up one last time:
Gracie: "Sweetie?"
George: *Sleepily* "Yeah?"
Gracie: "Slightly enlarged!"
I won't repeat his reply.
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I cannot stress enough how important it is that you read the search terms below. They're actually funnier (and more baffling, if at all possible,) than usual. And, if nothing else, read the very last one. You'll thank me later. Yeah you will.
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For those of you who haven't been playing along for the last several years: As always, the words in regular font / text below are terms that people entered into search engines (google, yahoo, msn, etc.) hoping to find various (and, usually, wildly perverted) content related to those keywords. Instead they wound up at my site (much to their dismay, I'm sure). The items in brackets and italics are my comments, related to the perverse and confusing search terms. Enjoy!
Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
ways to annoy people in a subdivision [ooooh, I have SO got a list for you!]
i work at burger king making flame [I like make flame. Flame equals sky. OOooo. Yikee-yum! Booble!]
stop a queef
your ding fries is done
what is the web address for the piggly wiggly ads?
"hot baseball players"
dog vaginal pimples [aaaand, there's my diet thought of the day. The one that will keep me from eating for the next 24 hours or so. THANKS.]
"stressed out my ass"
just be goot to me [This came from Poland. And I can't decide if I should laugh or cry.]
???????????????????? [Seriously? GET A JOB!]
what is the white thing in raw egg [Please believe me when I tell you that you do NOT want to know.]
gagged nurses
american porn t.v channels
stupid squirrel
2137
fucky girls [ahhhh, the Pakistani. Such romantic men.]
sucky sucky boom boom in war [someday I dream of being found for my humorous writing instead of for PORN!]
screw my sister [No.]
"wifes boyfriend" & "my mouth" [dear GOD. PLEASE do NOT finish this sentence!]
done like a burger
why does my vacuum cleaner stink
"pictures of squirrels fucking"
tushy torture
***GRACIE PAUSES HERE TO ASK... "WHAT the HELL is WRONG with you people!??!***
...RESUME ENTRY....
apple fries [mmmm. That sounds AWESOME.]
"mound muncher" [Oh. How pleasant.]
carton porn [Okay, I give. I really want to know...what KINDS of cartons?? Cigarette? Paper towels? Toilet paper?? WHAT?!?!]
screw my sister [hey! NO means NO!]
"american dating rules" [From someone in Denmark. I'd like to warn people to watch out for him, but...well...I actually like the fact that he has the decency to look on the internet to see how he should conduct himself. Too bad AMERICAN men can't seem to get on board with that concept. Well..except George, of course.]
stalker, humorous ['cause sometimes stalking is funny, don'tchaknow.]
find a job with a mistermeaner background [bwwwaaa-hahahaha! Good luck with that!]
coworker revenge [Oh, I could reeeeally set you up.]
hiccup videos [there are some sick freakin' bastards out there.]
"wife loves enemas" [that's...lovely.]
2137 [the HELL???]
Aliens came down humans picking up dog poop they would think [Brain...melting..ow. OW!!]
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