Have you ever worked with a Farter? It's a joy, lemmee tell ya. Now, don't get me wrong...I understand that the body will do what the body will do. And we work in cubicles, so it's not like I'm accosted by stink all the time. No...the part that offends me so greatly are the people who fart in meetings. In a conference room full of 20 or so people, it is just so wrong to let one (or 15) rip. If you are in gastric distress...LEAVE THE ROOM! Because when you don't...and you choose, as you always do, to sit next to ME in the meeting, it causes me great stress when you fart and fart and fart, because I KNOW that other people can smell you, and are wondering if it's ME that is doing this. And I soooo want to lean over to the person(s) sitting next to me and whisper that THAT IS SOOOO NOT ME!! but I can't, because what if the person I am whispering to IS the person who committed this offense? I don't want to embarrass that person, but I don't want to allow people to think that I am The Farter. What do you do??? Well...if you're me...you stress over this for quite some time, and you choose to send an email to one of the people sitting next to you that reads:

"Okay, I just need you to know that that horrific smell wafting through this morning's meeting was SO NOT ME. I promise, my ass did not, in fact, produce something that was dead and had been for approximately 4 months. If it was you, though, a) I apologize; and b) We seriously need to discuss what the hell you're eating for breakfast, honey!"

Luckily, it wasn't him, and he let me know who it was and that he'd been doing that in meetings for some time. *Shudder* I don't understand that. My mother raised me to leave the room when I had gas. ....Course...she also raised me to:

A) Know when I'm wearing out my welcome and also how NOT to interrupt someone's work 87 times a day by: Deciding not only to have ZERO respect for other people's work, but to choose not to work yourself and instead decide to meander around the office, going cube to cube, forcing people to stop their own work, since they can't concentrate on the tasks at hand while you trap them and make them listen to your stories (with no points or meaning) for upwards of 45 minutes at a time; Dude. If you know me, you KNOW how busy I am. Especially if you see me working...and even more so if you see me continue to work while you talk and talk and talk. That is a HINT, sweetie, that I am pressed for time, and do not have time to chat. Please, PLEASE respect that. And remember that I have a boss. I have this silly little need to show that boss that I am earning the paycheck he signs twice per month. When he sees a steady stream of people hanging out at my desk, chit-chatting away, it reflects badly on me. No really, it does. It looks like I don't care about my job and the deadlines he has set for me. And when I am working 7 days a week, till 11pm every night, I have no doubt that the impression is "Well...if ya weren't TALKING all day, you'd be able to get it done!" which isn't true, as I have an immense amount of work to get done, but that is the impression it gives. I understand that people may not care if their bosses see them rarely working...that they are, in effect, telling their boss that they either don't have enough work to do, or that they simply don't care about the work they DO have, but I wish some of these people would respect the fact that I do care. I don't mind a few minutes here and there to catch up. And I don't mind if they are coming to discuss work, and it goes a little off-track now and then (though I DO think that more people should utilize the email system instead of insisting upon discussing every little matter face-to-face) but please don't come to discuss your 48 hour gaming party, or how you fooled your spouse in a goofy April Fool's joke, or how your mom is a screw up who is ruining your vacation plans. I'm sure it's all wildly fascinating, but I HAVE WORK TO DO. LET ME DO IT! Sing it with me now: "Closiiiing time...you don't haaaave to go home, but yaaaa caaaan't staaaay heeeeere..." GO TO YOUR DESK!

Whew. I feel better now. But I'm not done. Oh, no.

B) My parents also taught me to respect people's space by not walking right into their cube and standing less than 12 inches from them; and

C) To mind my own business by NOT staring at the person's computer screen and saying "Whatcha doin'?"

In short, I was raised properly. Others weren't. Whaddayagonnado, though, eh?

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