Is it possible to besmirch someone withOUT smearing them? And can one smear without the aid of besmirch-ment?? Just curious.

I realize that the below entry may be a bit cryptic and confusing. I don't mean for it to be. But...it may be. It's late. I'm tired. I felt like posting something anyway.

or...perhaps it's all quite clear and understandable. In which case...I have some SERIOUS deleting to do tomorrow morning.

The best, funniest things in my life? The ones you would relate to the most and laugh the hardest at? You'll never get to read...cause I can never talk about them.

Like "Mushroom cap" and "man-stick" and the car ride back from the shooting range where I sooo thought I touched the outside and didn't and so it made the following comment SO much more inappropriate... and how I laughed so hard I actually felt my eyeballs bulging out of my HEAD. ....and what led to that with the whole inadvertent comparison and spending the next ten minutes trying desperately to explain how he SO DIDN'T MEAN it "that way" and it was so cute and I reassured him that I knew he didn't mean it, even though it still hurt a little bit, and how he didn't need to worry...we wouldn't go anywhere NEAR the couch tonight, so no three-hour Couch Talk to discuss why my feelings hurt sometimes and why I feel this and why I feel that and why he doesn't feel ANYTHING and why IS THAT exactly? But nope, I wasn't going to do that to him tonight...he was off the hook. And then...there's also why I felt the need to share so much of the above with the Starbucks lady... and that's just...TODAY. And it kills me. I cherish my life and have some of the greatest moments and it somehow seems...unfair that I can't document every second of it and share it with you.

Speaking of starbucks lady...i just realized - this is not the first time she's done this. When i was telling her what happened, it was because I ordered my drink, then stepped aside so George could order HIS drink and then she gave us the total and George paid. And she made a snarky little comment to George about how "Ooohhh, always the way, isn't it?" she said, "The woman orders and the MAN PAYS" and she wasn't even cute about it...she was just mean and angry and ...frickin' HOSTILE and I'm like, hey, BITCH, I'm not THAT GIRL, so lay off, eh? But...only in my stupid head. No, instead I had to be "On" and try to be funny, and I know what's usually guaranteed to get a knowing chuckle out of people and so I say, most appropriately due to the above-not-mentioning-incident, "Know what ELSE always happens between men and women? The men say DUMB STUFF and the women STAY WITH THEM ANYWAY" and she didn't chuckle. Not even a little BIT. No, she instead got all pissy with me and starts defending the MEN and trying to start trouble between us. And I realize that she's done this with us before. Several times. Whether George is with me or not and if I say anything funny and "pretend annoyed with husband"-y? She gets All Up In My Shit.

One reason I lean toward to explain her open and rude hostility toward me, and which helps me keep from poking her friggin EYE out for not just humoring her damned customer (cause I tip them BIG TIME...each time...and I visit a LOT, sometimes several times EACH DAY) is that perhaps she's a relatively new widow who is suddenly back out in the workforce, trained for nothing and working at starbucks to make ends meet and she misses her husband and THEIR "bits" and we either remind her of that or annoy the hell out of her for some other reason. In which case? Jesus I'm sorry and...this isn't funny anymore.

In all seriousness, I can't tell if it's because she has a crush on George or if it's because she's a bitter, desperate ole HAG workin' at a Publix Starbucks (no offense to NON-bitter...hags...workin' at...oh, nevermind. I lose readers daily. See ya!) and she's alone and doesn't have anyone and is wicked-bitter about it--and toward anyone who DOES have a man, especially if they don't seem to fully appreciate that man. Totally not "Getting" us and our "bit" we do. Either one means she can just cheerfully take my outstretched drink of FUCK RIGHT OFF.

other items I can't talk about involve: [censored] thought [censored] when really it was [censored] that [censored]. Also, someone actually quoted a Julia FRICKIN' Roberts movie to get out of doing something and I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT HERE. AUUUUGGHHH it's torture!!! In other news, [censored] told me I was a [censored] [censored] [censored] because I had to [censored] before [censored]. And then [censored] refused to [censored].

See? Salacious stuff, I tell ya! And it's aaaaall a damned secret. But perhaps when the book gets written.....

Someone Arrived Here Searching For:

why does my vacuum stink?

american beach boobs [ha ha! yoooou were lookin' fer pooo-ooorn! yoooou were lookin' fer pooo-ooorn! and ya got to THIS PAGE instead. PSYCH!]

can squirrels fart

naughty american moms [another humorous India-based search. Always the highlight of my day! ]

oh nice nude

outside peeing

grabbed her black shiny pantyhose

american exclamations [and this portion of our show is sponsored by: Singapore!]

reeeeeally pretty girls

proper protocol for waitress

"nose sucking" pics [come ON!!!]

neighbor's dog pooping in my yard [i SO FEEL YOUR PAIN! Aren't you just dying to ask them, "If it's not good enough for YOUR yard...why is it okay for MINE? And if it's no big deal...why not let your dog take a healthy shit in your OWN yard and THEN walk him?? Ohhh, because you don't want to muck up yer pretty lil yard with POOP, eh? But it's aaaaa-okay to do it to MINE, isn't it? Ya dickhead." or, you know, something like that.]

"dog in lingerie" [aaaaand that's enough for me, thankyouverymuch!]

butt fucking monkey squirrel [i lied. this was further down on that page and ...how do you NOT post something so freakin' BIZARRE!?!]

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