Welcome to the Buhjina-mercial!
Here you'll find a plethora of assaults on the eyes and to the mind. Join me, won't you?
This ad was not placed properly in the back of the magazine as all icky ads typically are. No, this ad was loudly and proudly placed smack dab in the front of the magazine. A magazine, may I just say, that we never requested or paid for (yet we continue to receive and just below the bar code we can clearly see that the item, on newsstands, costs around 4 or 5 dollars per issue, so it's not a freebie). It appears to be a local magazine, but not JUST for Atlanta, but upper echelon Atlanta. It seems to be filled with pictures of people who desperately want to be seen and congratulated for appearing at charity events and posing for pictures capturing their do-gooding. Of course, the restaurants listed are excellent, so we won't toss the mags just yet. I've been to many of the places listed and they are always dead-on in their suggestions for not just fine, but excellent dining. I think that's what is so surprising about this ad...the magazine has always seemed so conservative and proper and monied and, well, boring.
Check out the full-size ad by clicking on the image below:
In case you can't (or WON'T) view the image, here is a full list of what's available for purchase (and my feelings on them, of COURSE):
Vaginal Rejuvenation [What do they? Take it to Chuck E. Cheese??? Introduce it to the Rat and bounce it around in the ball pit??]
Vaginal Laser Therapy [I can honestly say that I have no desire--whatsoever--to have my vaginal lasered. At all. OR therapied!]
Vaginal Reconstruction [from WHAT? And, perhaps more importantly...WITH what??]
Labia Reduction [no.]
Labia Contouring [can I get it in the shape of a Q?? would that cost extra?]
Fat Injections [oh fabulous. I have enough o' THAT, thanks. I don't need to pay YOU to shoot me up with MORE of it!]
Labia Majora Reduction
Labia Majora Augmentation
Vaginal Narrowing [do they stuff it with Kleenex?]
Vaginal Tightening [who else suddenly pictures a vice? Show of hands!]
Adhesion Removal [George and I have both determined that we don't even want to KNOW what this means]
Vaginal Reconstructive Surgery (HOW is this different from Vaginal Reconstruction?? Is the first one not done as surgery?? Maybe they just punch it into submission?? OW.)
G-Spot Enhancement [Uh-huh, uh-huh...and how do they test it?? I'm sure George's next questions, in no particular order, are: do they HAVE a QA department? And are they HIRING?]
Urine Leakage Surgery
Anal Lightening / Bleaching [WHO outside of PORN stars needs this?? Nevermind. Do NOT tell me.]
Clitoral Unhooding [dear sweet lord.]
Paravaginal Repair [we fix your buhjina while jumping out of a PLANE! Over 4 countries!]
Hysterectomy
Uterine Suspension
Uterine Preservation [oh great. just what I need. to be shellacked.]
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Are you, like me, quite bothered by the unoriginal, so-less-than-creative, totally blatant "metaphor" implied by this image? I can't decide if it's the excessive shading (in SPOTS) or the placement of the flower, with tucking implied, or just seeing it plastered all over the site and their ads. I don't know...it's just...EW, you know? Just. EW. And a little like being in a Judy Blume book, edited by Stephen King.
Feel free to send me a note commiserating on how frickin' disturbing that damned flower-as-buhjina (Insert Opening Silly Air Quote motion) metaphor (Insert Closing Silly Air Quote motion) is.
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"Concurrent Surgeries Can Include..." This is supposed to lead into the items in the list below, but first they list the doctor's names, as you can see in the image above. And I guess because I was so shocked and surprised at the content of the ad in general, I just didn't SEE the items below those names...I just stopped at the doctor names and couldn't understand why the DOCTORS were the treat...and who the hell I had to get for my FIRST surgery BEFORE I got the experienced, GOOD doctor on the subsequent trips beneath the knife...?
Here's the (quite obvious and hard-to-miss) list:
Breast Augmentation
Liposuction
Breast Lift
Abdominoplasty
Forehead Lifts
Rhinoplasty
Chin & Cheek Implants
Lip Augmentation
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I had a helluva time trying to capture the ad to place here. My scanner is just...I don't know...somewhere else and so I spent an HOUR trying to take pictures of the ad with one hand, trying to hold the ad itself and angle it properly with the other (finally enlisting George's help), but it was either grainy or blurry or there was a glare or a shadow or I took the pictures in chunks but they wouldn't fit back together without WAY more effort than was warranted or FUUUUCK! So I tried to find it online at their site and whoooooahhh so many disturbing things, even MORE than the ad, which I promptly forgot about. Things such as:
- Decorated Text - which is bad enough for what it is, but that they didn't even bother to ensure the images were crisp and clean?? What does that say about their attention to detail, HMMMMMMMM!?!?! Is THAT what you want your vuh-jay-jay to look like too??
That's RIGHT. I said vuh-jay-jay.
The names given to all of these ...procedures?? are disturbing enough...but they took it further by creating banner ads FOR those words. And to top it all off? They allowed so much pixelation in the images that it's barely readable and...not just a little bit alarming. Will they be that capricious and cheap with YOUR g-spot shots??
Oh and let's not forget C. Is it really necessary to not just use the ever-popular Papyrus font for Anal Bleaching, but...to make it HOT PINK!? Are they trying to be funny??
(PS, due to size constraints with my design here, I had to shrink the image and it's not as easy to see the distortions. If you want to see the full effect, hop on over to the bottom of Bleached Asses R Us. [Get it? BOTTOM? Yeah. I'm quite funny. I know. Also? Kind of a big deal.])
- DINING - WHAT?! WHY? WHY on a page about wilted buhjinas (leave me alone...it keeps the sicko search freaks away) do they feel the need to discuss EATING? Ohhh, snap. Wait...is that their attempt at wit?? No...cause it's just so tasteless (GASP...is that MY wit...bad enough to match theirs? Snap, the Sequel!)
- Photos - before AND after!! Are you KIDDING? That's just...WOW, just...dude. NO.
Well, okay, so I DID click the link, cause...I had to. And George and I both had our eyes mostly covered while doing the clicking, just in case, but it was just a list of links to the actual photos, thank buhjeesus, cause we dodged a bullet, recognized that bullet, and respectfully declined the challenge, so we aren't any more scarred than need be. If any of you actually have a sickness worse than mine (or, you know, WANT one) and feel the need to look? Here ya go: http://www.lvratlanta.com/id68.html and that's a link to the LIST of photo links to choose from, not the actual photos, cause I'm not THAT mean (okay...TODAY I'm not that mean).
- And finally we have: Multicultural Peeshectomy. Oh joy. Read the text in bold in the image below, won't you? It starts with "Drs. Miklos and Moore...."
THERE ya go. Yep. They have "...personally performed surgery on patients from 46 STATES AND 25 COUNTRIES." (Emphasis THEIRS, sad to say, not mine.)
I would just like to know one thing: who fricking CARES?? Like fixing the G-Spot of someone in Romania somehow makes you more qualified to work on MINE!? Like theirs are warped from the climate? Harder to get to or shaped differently? HOW, exactly, is this supposed to reassure me and increase your qualification to hammer and chisel my junk!?
I'm just...you know...so... Aw hell, go back to the entry.
