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So Mr. G. called me the other night to discuss a new store he's helping me build over at Zazzle and I had to ask if I could call him back in ten minutes because my beloved Thrashers had just gone into overtime and there was no WAY I could concentrate on PNGs and subdirectories when Kovy was just inches from clinching the win! Also? The dogs would have ruined the conversation regardless.
That's because there was a new turn of events during this game. See...I've been yelling at hockey games for YEARS. And as those years progress, my yelling has become more focused and...less wrong. In the beginning it was just the excitement of it all, the surprising joy of yelling and not getting in trouble (or beat up) for it, in seeing a testosterone-laden fight break out and hearing myself screaming in a most primal fashion for "our" guy to "KIIIIICK HIIIIS AAAAAAASSSS!!!!" with all the other fans. And, sadly, a lot of it was oh-so-ignorant yelling when they weren't doing what I, as a brand new fan, thought they should be doing. Read: "Auuughhh, wouldya just follow the puck please? WHERE are you going?! You only skated for, like, half a MINUTE, gaaaahhhh. Dude. DUDE! Go GET the puck. Hey! STEAL the puck, dammit! You! Hey YOU! Get your thumb outta your ASS and go PUT that puck in the NET, gawdammit! Oh yeah, and hurry up and WIN, wouldja?! Where IS everybody!? Jeeeeez!"
George, a lifetime hockey fan (and former player, though I'm sure he'd want me to point out that it wasn't professional, lest he get loads of crap from his friends), was infinitely patient with me n' my stupidity. He would calmly explain, when I would let him, why things were done, why it was perfectly reasonable for a player to exit the ice after less than a minute, and mostly just let me yammer on. He knew that in the beginning of a budding relationship with the ice, it's all a person can do to just keep up with the puck and remember that, each period, the goalies switch nets. So when I would yell each time the whistle was blown, he wouldn't scold or yank me back into my seat when I would scream "WHAT?! What NOW!?" even when it was clearly being blown in our favor. Truthfully, it was an awesome stress reliever, and for the first year or two? I didn't care about the rules, the players, the finite points of strategy. I just liked being allowed to YELL.
But then I won the NHL Thrashers writing contest and was forced to admit--if only in my own home--that I? Didn't know shit. And that I really needed to learn (sadly, most of my education came after my tenure at the Blueland Blog was over. I never expected to win, so I was wholly unprepared...and likely said lots of dumb things in my entries). It was a good thing, though, because my need to please--and not look stupid--was all the inspiration I needed to start really paying attention and asking smarter questions (meaning less "what if they hafta PEE in overtime!?" and more discussion on workable lines and competing goalie stats). So even though I no longer write for them (and was put to utter SHAME by the new winner, Sean Grace), I'm forever grateful to them (and my George) for helping me find and cultivate my pure, unadulterated love for hockey.
And though I know I still have a lot to learn and am fully aware of the fact that I will never even come close to George's savant-like brilliance at all things hockey, I find that I'm okay with that because I really love this game (and the yelling of course...and all of it in spite of the new rules designed to mainstream hockey--thanks to that dickhead Bettman, who couldn't possibly love hockey and still do all the things he's doing to RUIN it, and....)
WOW. Talk about digressing. Ahem.
Here's where this was all going:
Mr. G. politely took a 10-minute rain check so I could finish my game, and it was good thing because Bailey, who would formerly make herself scarce during games because my yelling--though I'd been doing it for YEARS--scared her, has taken on a new personality trait in recent weeks. Now? Whenever I yell at the screen (usually around the time the puck is in the wrong zone and I start yelling the oh-so-helpful "No-no-no-NO-NO-NOOOOO!!" because if I DON'T, the other team'll score!) she has now taken to barking at me. It's playful, too, in that "I'm gonna GIT YA" cuteness, complete with pouncing, smacking paws, and wandering claws that loooove to connect with my shins. And it kills me because it's so cute but...THE GAME IS ON!! I CAN'T PLAY RIGHT NOW!
What makes it worse is that her--just as cute, but sadly less intelligent--sister feels it necessary to join in, regardless of her complete and total lack of understanding of the situation. She's just happy that noise is being made and she gets to participate. Which wouldn't be so bad if Bella's "voice" weren't the equivalent of a sonic BOOM. Even THIS wouldn't be so bad if George weren't sitting next to me, laptop precariously perched on his...duh...lap, trying to play his online game with his headset on and it's so loud with my OCD yelling and stomping and the barking Bailey and even LOUDER barking Bella, that he has to hold the headset mashed into his ears with one hand and one shoulder just to hear and it's...RIDICULOUS. Utter chaos (that Gracie secretly loves, but feels bad about it because she knows that George can't stand chaos, funny, controlled, or otherwise) and just WHAT do you do when your formerly p*ssy-ass dog, who would run away in terror, complete with puckered ass, each time you would shout at the hockey players (who can TOTALLY hear and act upon my direction) now begins turning the tables and voices her irritation over my shouting?? And the other dog joins in? And especially when Kovy just tied the game with less than three minutes left? Hmm? WHAT do you DO?
You revel in it, of course. And you give thanks that George AND Mr. G. were both sweetly understanding. And that your dogs are funny and that you have a great site with great readers who will indulge your blathering.
Which is much easier to write about since...we won!! 4-3 in OT. Woohoo!
(PS, Bailey wants you to know that she couldn't care LESS. Oh, and would like to politely invite you--and ME--to fellate ourselves...unless we have treats and peace and quiet. In that order.)
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Check out George's brilliant idea for Christmas cards and products with our new Emoticon Christmas stuffs. I've also included images from other funny Christmas gift or card ideas using our lovely brand of irreverence and humor. Stand out this season and send something FUNNY. Each of the flashing items below are links and if you put your mouse over any of the images, the slideshow will pause.
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Because the holidays increase my visitors by thousands each day, the funny search terms take a hit, as my stats company can only show the 5,000 most recent visitor stats at any given time and, as Christmas draws closer, that is wiped out in just a few hours, and I can't keep up with it. So here are the ones I was able to capture and a few older ones that I forgot to post and that don't contain the words "Ding" or "Fries" or "Done" (and if you've been under a ROCK for the last decade and don't know what that is? Become a lover [or hater...if you're one of THOSE] of the cult classic joy that is Ding Fries Are Done!
Someone Arrived Here Searching For....
fun pitchurs
drink fries are done [certainly quenches MY thirst!]
pantyhose husbands ass [there is SO MUCH wrong with that statement...I don't know where to begin....]
missing wife spoiled [wow. what sort of abusive, retarded, dickbrain ARE you??]
"gagged nurses"
girl with banana in ass
being a girl would fuckin suck
aaaanimal sex [I wonder what this provided that just one "A" would not have??]
big girl panties
french women peeing
did dolly parton have her boobs enlarged [have bears EVER taken shits in woods??]
american turd association [wouldn't it be great if this was a real organization and, AND you could sign people up!? Nevermind. Their servers would be brought to its KNEES by people gleefully entering my name over and over...and over.]
african american cartoon characters gallery [I think I peed a little when I saw this and fell OUT laughing.]
"oh mom" pussy [wow. all that time on your hands and you STILL choose not to seek medical attention?!]
coffeecup kept my money [I say send the fork after it and threaten 'em with a spoon!]
i need a black whore to suck and fuck [don't we all]
get in my belly
i miss my ex girlfriend so bad
i need fuck any wife
my ugly boobs
fucking don't miss time
my sister shot friend
i fuck dark-grey tits
my whore sister in law [I'm curious...do you have some feelings about her, hmm?]
funny skeleton sayings
hard womenes fucking rectal touching [dear god. just...wow. dear. GOD.]
hot girls fucking teddy bears [WHY!?]
my husband says i'm a bitch [well...are you? Cause *I* am. And I OWN it. And then...I put it on T-Shirts. Heh.]
belly stab girlfriend
takes too long to text back
tell someone to fuck you
personalized holiday fart cards [what would those even LOOK like??]
kiss your mother's ass
fuck you for ever grandma
candy testosterone making girlfriend stronger
hot-fat-men
daddy's little whore
fucking grand mother in world
fat white mom slut
humorous radiation greeting cards [there's a good reason for this hit. I actually sell these here and the full set of all cancer survival--with humor, love, and support--products is HERE.]
holidays with bitch mother in law
grandmothers who still like to fuck [remind me NOT to tell you all about my 90+ year-old great-grandmother and her drawer full of thongs....]
you suck you ugly bitch [yeah, but it pays well....]
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