Okay, it's almost midnight and I just finished watching the new Paula Abdul reality show. I took copious notes and I don't have the energy to stay up for two hours to clean it all up and make it flow into a funny story. Besides, she's so nuckin' futs that the notes should be sufficient.
Check back over the weekend or thereabouts, as I am starting a product line at my store with quotes from the show. I've already started a few, and will try to find time before work and/or during my lunch hour tomorrow to put a few up.
Enjoy!!
PS, don't forget, if you write to me to bitch about Paula's poor, poor, martyr self and her tough, hard-knocks life? Read the previous entry and email at your own risk.
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oh. my. god.
Did you SEE it!??!
I'm talking about the new Paula Abdul reality show, of course, weirdly titled Hey Paula! And bitch? is CUH-RAZY.
Also wasted 99% of the time. And I think it's a riot that during the press hellstorm a few months ago, she claims not to drink, yet during a business meeting for her new perfume, she openly guzzled wine and became embarrassingly drunk and loopy, to the point of hanging all over the employees.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's start at the beginning. We open with Paula getting ready for the Grammys and lamenting how it just doesn't make sense that she keeps ending up on the worst-dressed list every year. (Note to Paula: dressing while shooting up maaaaay not be a good idea.)
Sigh. Clearly this is one more woman who falsely believes that people don't like her because they're jealous of her. This is the biggest lie that people and parents and weak-ass "friends" have been perpetrating for decades (at least), and it's almost NEVER TRUE. They just don't want to be mean. Or, in the case of Paula's staff, they don't want to stop getting paid for pretending to be her friend. Sometimes? People just don't like you. And that's OKAY. Sometimes it's cause you're a bitch, or an alcoholic, or abusive, or crazy. Usually when people are jealous of you? They just ignore you so they don't have to face it. In Paula's case, it's a whooooole different story. And she need never wonder again if it's jealousy. She need only watch these tapes back and she will have all the answers she needs as to why she's a complete and total JOKE, worldwide.
Moving on, the show opens with her introducing us to the people in her life and ohhh, how sad is it that all her "friends"? Are people she PAYS. I'm not kidding. Not one person is seen with her who isn't paid to be there.
As I said, we come in on the first show to see Ms. CrackHo preparing for the Grammys. At least one jewelry company has sent over several million dollars worth of jewelry for her to BORROW for the night. But does she respect that honor? Or the livelihood of the people who sent it over, or her staff members who are also responsible for it? ANYONE but herself? Of course not! She thinks it's cute to drape her dogs in the necklaces, to let them stomp all over the jewels on the bed, and even her stylist was warning her, stepping over the Diva Line of being mildly contrary to the Boss Lady, politely dropping not-so-subtle hints that the dogs maybe shouldn't be allowed to be near these incredibly expensive pieces (read: they need to get the fuck OUT), when....one of the rat dogs is soon found EATING a million dollar RING. Instead of being properly mortified? She's doing her pig cackle laugh and doing that thing insecure people do, where they look around the room to make sure everyone is looking at her and waiting for everyone to fake-laugh (though she's too clueless to recognize that when she hears it...though, to be fair, and considering her mental capacity, it's likely the only laughter she's ever heard). She's so oblivious and I'm doing my trouble-trouble-trouble fingers toward the screen, yelling to the television that she's a frickin' IDIOT.
it made me SO happy (though a little alarmed) to see her walking down the street--alone--in a Valentino gown, being yelled at by passing cars, one of whom called her a "legend" and, just as she basked in that glow, she stumbled and almost fell down in the street.
In the limo after the Grammys, she's bitching about how "she" was so brilliant to choose a great dress that wouldn't get her on the worst-dressed list for once (never once thanking her stylist, of course), and mentions how everyone loved her and her dress on the red carpet, but Joan Rivers ignored her. Upcoming Crazy-Ass Paula Product alert: "what doctor is your face wearing?" --She said this in the limo loooong after the red carpet, in response to Joan's lack of interest in Drinky McLush. It apparently takes her roughly six hours to think of one boring comeback.
Whil getting her hair done, she's whining about how the movie she's working on? Haven't returned her calls in two months. I think it's understandable because she apparently only has two modes, the first being: Drunk n' Hyper n' Unintelligible and the second being: Fucking Diva BITCH. So her hair dresser (who, let's recall, is PAID to like her) is commiserating with her and he helpfully offers, "They beat you DOWN" in regard to the people who don't want to talk to Paula PoundPills on the phone. She LIKES this phrase, because it pits her as the victim, so she repeats it, feeling it out, setting her jaw against it. "They beat me down." And then she straightens her spine a little and, as he sprays her again, she finalizes the thought with: "...but I'm a warrior." And we, of course, lose our shit laughing. And that is when my idea is born... to start a line of products in my store with quotes from this lunatic.
She goes on to attempt sarcasm by discussing how she's "sooo popular, hence only one Grammy." and I yell at the television (cause it's effective to do so, don'tchaknow) "Ahem...that's not popularity, ya douchebag, it's called TALENT!"
And then I worry that I curse too much and miss 14 seconds of the show. Clearly we can't have that, so I discard the idea of cleaning up my language and get back to the business at hand.
Paula is finally dressed and just about ready to get to the event, but she can't leave the bedroom until she performs an odd ritual of having her dogs LICK her MOUTH (with or without makeup, that shit's just GROSS) and also asks them to approve her outfit. (Oh, yup, yup, ya read it right). She then ambles her way down the stairs (I am in awe that she's able to do so without assistance) and we learn that she still can't leave the house, at least not yet...not until her non-english-speaking maid, wearing bright green stirrup pants (bought in 1983, natch), approves of her Valentino gown. 'Cause if Marina doesn't approve? We ain't leavin'! And I realize that she probably means it. I can totally picture her ignoring the advice of stylists and publicists and "friends" (they will ALWAYS have quotes...always) in favor of the dog-poop-picker-upper maid, the t-shirted n' stirrup panted Marina and, later, after donning something more Marina-appropriate, arriving at the Grammys just as everyone is leaving, because Marina felt spandex and feathers would be more fitting!
We move on and Paula is inside the theater and her "friends" are outside in the car waiting. (Apparently they just sit outside in the car the whole time...) and there's a crisis in the limo! Gasp! The show ended eons ago and they can't find Paula! She's probably wandering the streets somewhere and now they might miss the flight! Oh no! She won't answer the phone and her vapid assistants are doing the botox version of freaking out. They don't move a muscle (except the ones required for text messaging and half-blinking) but they do boringly discuss with each other whether they should call other people to tell them they can't find her. And then continue to discuss how there isn't time to make the flight and how they haven't yet "Packed Her" (which, we soon learn, means they are responsible for packing Paula's luggage for her trip. Oh yeah.) as though it's news to either one of them.
And I have to ask myself (and George): why can't she pack herself? why do her moron assistants discuss everything before doing it? Do they live in a comic book?? And instead of talking about it for 14 hours, why not freakin' DO IT already? Why aren't one (or BOTH) of them at home packing her while she's at the frickin Grammys??? Instead of just sitting in the car for 4 hours talking about it!? the HELL!?!
2nd crisis (well, third if you count a bizarre costume snafu with the bratz producers) is that someone forgot that Paula Specifically Requested sweat pants to be packed for her trip. and she keeps asking why and why and why (just over and over and over again). Crying that she has to wear tight pants on what, and I quote, is "supposed to be a comfortable trip!" and then goes on to feel even MORE sorry for herself (and to set up her excuse for future failure) with... "If I wear THESE, I won't be able to SLEEP on the plaaaaaane and QVC will be a disaster!!!"
Ohhhh, not cause of that, honey.
She actually had the audacity to spit the following phrase to her poor assistant, and keep in mind that at the time? It was midnight and they were sitting on the sidewalk in front of the doors to the airport, with Paula's suitcase open and items strewn about on the ground: "and EVERY TIME you pack jeans for me? YOU pack the WRONG jeans!!" and she actually points angrily while yelling at this poor woman. And she's the NICE judge. MMM-hmmm. I also love her "Angry" phrase...the one she thinks is being "nice" when she's not pleased with the "poor performance" of her slaves staff: "NOT okay, Courtney. SIGH. NOT. OH. KAY!!"
George: "WOW, bitch?? You are NOT that famous!"
Gracie: "NOBODY is that famous."
She then stomps off to the limo to change into a less tight-ass pair of jeans, and is actually CRYING. Yes, crying to the cameraman about her Pants Plight, whining, "Can you freakin believe this?" and I am quite sure he was thinking "Noooooo" just like all of us, but for very, very different reasons.
Martyr. Isn't that EVERYONE's faaaaavorite breed of crazy?
How much do you want to bet that she blames the whole drunken interview mess a couple of days later on Courtney not packing her sweatpants??
And I'm further incensed that she is all SORTS of bitching about being late and missing her flight and what an inconvenience this all is, yet she just lazily hangs out in the limo, shaking her head about her dumb assistant and whining to the camera. And she wonders why.... and I mean the grand scheme o' things "WHY" here.
I have NO doubt she did this show utterly convinced that doing this show would clear so much up for her with the public. She actually thinks people will feel SORRY for her and what she gooooooes through and she will be adored once again.
NOT!!!
WHEN will celebrities (and anyone on a reality show, really) realize that the object of the game is He who finds the biggest disaster in Hollywood? WINS!!
Later on they show them leaving the new hotel on their way to the QVC offices and as they leave the room, there are half a dozen bags all over the floor, all for Paula, no doubt, but of course she can't be bothered with anything of her OWN, right? But wait! She stuns us by snottily yanking one up when she notices that her assistant's hands are full and I can hear her inner dialogue as though she were saying it out loud: "oh here, you stupid useless bitch! I'll just carry my OWN purse! Of COURSE I have to do EVERYTHING around here!" And she's all grumpy now because *stomp* SHE couldn't sleep on the plane cause her paaaaants were too tight and WHO could sleep in those condITIONS!? waaaaaaahhhh!
She then makes her way to QVC to do a show (in the middle of the night, bwwwaa-hahahaha, cause they KNOW her). But first they have to meet in the executive offices to review her new jewelry line. She pompously sniffs, "It's very important that these pieces represent ME."
Gracie: "...sooooo they should look crazy, then...."
George: "also a little drunk."
She is shown the pieces and of course cannot be gracious for even a MOMENT. She immediately begins berating the staff at QVC (her own staff must be thrilled to be off the hook for a few minutes, "better them than US!") on how they aren't nearly as SHINY as the ones they agreed on (probably forgetting that it was actually a heroin haze that made them shiny before, and that the pieces are just fine!) still she goes on, "I NEVER APPROVED THESE!!! NONE of these look like the saaaaaamples!! WHY does this have indentations?? THIS isn't what I waaaaaaanted!" and the QVC people in her direct line of sight try to calm her down and gently explain the situation and those who just happen to be walking by the conference room and peek in? Are laughing at her...representatives of the country at large, no doubt.
During the whole tirade against the unsuspecting executives, Paula keeps looking at the camera and making faces, apparently about the situation and the people (like they aren't there) and as though she thinks she's being cute - like she thinks she's Jim on The Office.
I'm embarrassed FOR her (but it passes) because she can't stop herself from being atrocious and mannerless. She keeps blaming everyone else, sometimes even before anything goes wrong! For instance, before she goes on the air, she's in a control room at QVC with half a dozen executives and snottily lectures them with, in part, "Now, don't expect ANYTHING from me. It's not FAIR to expect even CLOSE to the sales we did last time, cause you didn't do ANY press this time. LAST time I did ALL the PRESS and WORK and you didn't do ANYTHING this time, so if anything is bad, it's NOT MY FAULT!!!" (except diva tantrums and whining, but she'll find someone else to blame for that, too, I'm sure).
When she has nobody else to be nasty to, she marches to her spot on the set and we then hear her publicist's voice saying "THIS is what she LOVES doing..." and I crack up, because I KNOW that it was tongue in cheek by the Bravo people. Who I HEART.
Finally the day is done and she and her beaten-down staff fall into the limo and suddenly Paula likes them again and tosses a few backhanded compliments their way. And I have a revelation! And, of course, I share it with my favorite sounding board, GEORGE!
Gracie: "DUDE!! I've GOT it!! She's like an abusive person! She's horrid prior to some big "event" whether it's the Grammys or an interview or company coming and she gets all crazy and stressed out and she just treats her people like total DOG shit, then when it's all over, and she just got fake-complimented by people who just wanted to get the HELL outta her black hole of emotional SUCKITUDE, so she's basking in the glow of Phony Love, THEN she's nice and pretends it's all fantastic and the last 48 hours of hell didn't really happen and that it wasn't as degrading and horrible as it really was. She tells her people they're great, but she uses the same lines for ALL of them, not even bothering to make up something unique for each one. I'm serious!! She is JUST like someone who beats their spouse...then comes back later and brings 'em flowers and says sorry and it'll never happen again, but lots of the time (cause there's always more than once) they just can't help themselves and so they make subtle reminders that the "lesser" person MADE them do it and if they'd just DO THEIR SHIT RIGHT...just ONCE, well...she wouldn't have to yell."
George just looked at me like "You soooo don't need me for this conversation...you are ON A ROLL and, well, at least you aren't as bad as HER!!" (note to people who might hit George with purses or staplers: he didn't actually SAY that.)
(but he THOUGHT it...)
Since we lost some time on my Paula Epiphany, we lost some time on the show (and were too tired to rewind) and we "tuned back in" to see her on her way to receive an award. She's an hour and a half LATE for aaaaahahahahahaha *cough snort* her FASHION ICON AWARD!!!
Her publicist tries to get her to go over the speech he wrote for her. This is the first time she's ever seen the speech. It's 19 minutes prior to the event's start time...and she is still in traffic - hasn't had any rehearsals, isn't in place - nothing. And she actually said, without a HINT of irony, "I don't do very well with speeches."
No shit???
She then caps off her genius, as she exits the car at the event, with "This speech might be the biggest disaster of my career...cause I don't concentrate well when I'm hungry." (you mean you DRANK and/or downed half a bottle of PILLS on an empty STOMACH). The guy at the podium, this poor man is dragging out and stalling because she's too self-centered to be on time - and while he's struggling, they actually show her stopping in the hallways to give autographs to fans and to shake hands with the coat-check people!! DUDE!!!
She finally arrives in the room and walks directly onto the stage. A woman hands her the speech, but she won't read from it. Instead she makes an ass out of herself, being her typical Royally Incoherent Crazy Bitch.
She caps off the speech with "thanks, this is just one more award and it will sit next to all the OTHER awards I've received over all the years...." and I'm incredulous that she is so frickin RUDE when she pretends to be so NIIIIICE on American Idol. But I don't have time to lament this too much, because she moves on to the NEXT Pass the Buck moment where she shifts the blame for not bothering to read her speech (why not on the plane in her tight pants when she couldn't SLEEP!?) and blames the woman who handed her the papers, claiming they were upside down and out of order. UPSIDE DOWN is a reason now NOT to read a speech. Unbelievable.
Considering Paula's celebrity, that woman likely got fired for Paula's lie. I will bet you my HOUSE that the woman didn't hand her the papers upside down or even out of order - Ms. Thang just didn't want to read it (the pills prolly made it blurry n' shit). She likely got that poor woman fired...just like the people out in Seattle - she was high as a kite and CRAZY and blamed it on the sound people and tech people and claimed that she was on ONE show, but someone ELSE'S show was being piped into her ear piece. Uh huh. And Ashlee Simpson's BAND probably had something to do with it, too!
During meet n' greet after the awards show, she's hugging clueless fans who will soon see her TRUE self on Bravo, but still like her NOW, and she gushes crazily to one fan as she puts her in a desperate death grip: "Iiiiiit wash mashical!!" and George quips, in his fake-drunk voice, "N' I shaw uniiiicorns!!!"
Then someone is dumb enough to allow her to go to Starbucks, despite the late hour. And she is one again acting like she's high and there are all these people piling up in the line behind her because Crazy McLoon doesn't remember where she is or what she wants. And she must sense that her "cuteness" won't work here in the store, because none of THEM are being paid, so they push her off them when she lean/falls into them, so she finally turns back to the Starbucks counter and slurs to the staff in general, who clearly are NOT enamored of her, "SHURRRPRIZhhhh me, cause..." and she actually says this, "I bore myself with..." and then she taps her head and the rest is unintelligible. She then begs for money from the people in line.
I'm telling you, this woman needs HELP. She's like a drunk homeless person. I never thought it was possible for this person to be "topped" but...Paula Abdul makes Anna-Nicole Smith look stone-cold SOBER!!
I can't believe there is more to the show...that it could possibly get worse, ohhhh but it does.
We tune back in to see Paula meeting with MORE executives (smart people who aren't used to celebutards) and this time it's to discuss Paula's very own fragrance line. Good grief. Of course, catty-ass Gracie can't resist an opportunity to be mean and presumptuous, so I yell out, to nobody, really: "Paula's own fragrance line! Smells like burnt SPOON!!"
Then I laugh at myself for a minute while watching the screen and my laughter falters... I nudge George and ask "...is she fallin' asleep while smelling the perfume???" He responds in the affirmative and also points out that she is DRINKING WINE while doing the sniff tests. She's clearly drunk now, as she has her eyes closed, is swaying back and forth and making SEX SOUNDS with each sniff. It becomes quite apparent that the newly ingested wine has found its old friend, Mr. Stomach-lined-with-Halcion, because a few seconds later? Bitch actually starts BARKING at the executives. aaaaand then cackling. At herself. She thinks she's adorable and...she's just NOT.
She's embarrassing. And it's a little sad that nobody cares enough about her to TELL her. They must have BITCHIN credit card bills, y'all.
Oh god, they gave her a COAT. A LAB coat. And ...oh no, she has an empty wine glass, a lab / doctor's coat AND they are making her walk down a flight of STAIRS!!!
Next Paula line (and future product in Gracie's store): "iiiii'm like a shhhientist...like a MAD scientist!!!"
ohhhhh ya got THAT right, twitsy!! Just not the "Scientist" part.
Dude she is WASTED!!!!
WHY does nobody intervene in her disastrous life!?! Are they THAT greedy!?!?!
After trying to molest the perfume scientist (a REAL one) who actually shoved her off of him (and cracked George UP by doing so) she is finally away from all the normal people and falls into her seat in the limo and whines, drunkenly, "I'm anx-austed." And I didn't hear it wrong...bitch said it three times.
Despite saying it incorrectly, it was clearly true, because you could see her falling asleep in the car, yet she refused to let it happen. The Kiddo used to do that when he was a baby...so afraid he was going to miss out on something. And, as if on cue, the other half of me AND my brain (which may just scare him a little...or a LOT), George says: "She's like a little baby fighting sleep!"
I just watch in disbelief...the rest of the show is about the trainwreck interviews from a few months ago where she was clearly wasted out of her mind.
I'm watching this all again, but this time from "inside" with Bravo's own cameras, and I realize all over again, with even more certainty, that is a complete and total LIAR. If she had the wrong feed in her ear, as she claimed over and over again?? She would not have been able to hear ANY questions. Yet she clearly was listening to the right feed, because she responded at the right time to each question...just with idiot (and drug-laced) answers. Ohhh, and how LOVELY that she placed the blame on someone else, once again. Likely causing people to be fired...people with families and mortgages and reputations. Paula, my dear, you are shameful.
Anyone else notice how she keeps emphasizing "recreational" when she denies doing drugs?? Meaning she does PLENTY of NON-recreational drugs.
I about spit water out of my nose when I burst out laughing at the next scene: the reporter she was so crazy with the day before was now talking on-air about how nutty it all was, but first she led into her report with a rhetorical jab at Paula: "Straight up now tell me...were you DRUNK while you were talking to me?!" which was...pretty damned funny.
And juuust when she thought THAT hell was over? The rain of hellfire after that awful episode in her life? She is too stupid to learn from that and hide out quietly (and drunkenly) in private. No, no...she does a REALITY show instead. So just when the crazy press from her LAST mistake finally dies down? Her new show on Bravo airs and ...it's all gonna start back up again. She's gonna cry the few tears she has left when she sees how crazy she appears to ...normal people. And instead of learning from this...she will whine endlessly, wondering why everyone's so mean to her and it's not her FAULT, and it's ....the cameraman! or the producers! or the editors! or or or her STAFF or ANYONE's fault but her own. She will take NO personal responsibility. Count on it.
George: "You know she's swingin' from a rafter right now, don't you? After seeing this?"
Gracie: "Prolly!"
I leave you tonight with a quote from next week's show, which was "teased" at the end of this one. She is at yet another envelope opening awards show and she dons her Victim's Cross once again and cries, "I'm supposed to be getting an award tonight, but ironically I can't enjoy it, cause I'm in a big crapstorm!"
Next week's show is apparently about her wailing reaction to the backlash of her shooting CRACK before interviews. Come be catty with me again next week, won't you??
