If you haven't yet watched the Sopranos series finale, or if you just don't care about my opinions or the funny products I created in response? Jump to the other stuff by clicking this text. But you'll miss a profound Gracie Moment toward the end if you do. And why would you want to miss out on THAT??
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Okay, so...it's a bit late and I'm sure everyone has already said it better than me and at great length. But I have to at least contribute, no matter how trivial I sound:
David Chase can suck it.
Don't roll your eyes. Hear me out. I love darkness, irony, hidden meanings. And I did not need every end tied neatly with a string. I did not need everyone (or anyone) whacked. I wanted ACTION. I wanted to shake my head and comment on how it couldn't have been any other way. I wanted excitement, and meaning and something to make me nod my head and go "that was SO Sopranos!" Something that would inspire me to buy the whole series on DVD and insist that everyone else I know do the same, because it's just so incredible.
Instead I got David Chase's middle finger. Waggled at me for LESS THAN THE FULL HOUR. Mocking me for being dumb enough to watch the ending and for expecting an ending of any sort.
It was lazy as hell and disappointing. I'm quite surprised at how blatantly he continuously screws his fans. You know, the ones who lined his pockets over the years? And do NOT give me that crap about how it was a metaphor for the "American People and their Capricious Consumerism" or the "Beautifully Portrayed American Anxieties in a Post 9-11 World". Fuck that bullshit. David Chase has already admitted that there WAS no hidden meaning in any of it and, smack-the-cheek-ala-Mccauley-Culkin, why he just had no IDEA people would be so upset, tra-la-la (which is why he left the COUNTRY before it aired, uh-huh). Face it: he was not trying to make any statements. He's proven time and again (and more clearly on the finale than at any other point) that he's a petulant little shit who didn't appreciate anyone expecting anything of him. Believe me, I recognize an anti-authority complex when I see one. Takes one to KNOW one, aw-ite? He was pissy that we had the audacity to expect a schedule and timely episodes each season. That we were trying to Rush His Art. Put that together with the history, not to mention the colossal egos of the "stars" employed by the series, and you have a recipe for exactly what happened: He had every intention of going out with a big F.U. to everyone he felt was too stupid and virulent to "get" him and he knew that he could do what he wanted because there wouldn't be any real consequences.
Clearly I didn't take it very well. As you might expect from an emotional, die-hard fan like myself, I lost my SHIT that night. After nearly a decade...THAT is how it ends?? Seriously!? George and I ranted and raved for eons prior to stomping up to bed and DREAMING a better ending that night. But I was still pissed off the next day, so when I got home from work? I did the only thing I COULD do with my anger, since I couldn't refuse to watch him anymore, cause...he's done and gone. And I can't WHACK him cause, you know, I'm not Whack-Skilled. Instead: I spent an inordinate amount of time creating products about how I felt after the show. And...well, I figured I'd have to do at least ONE or TWO products for the other people, the ones who insist that it was meaningful and brilliant. If only because I remember how I felt after last year's Dream Sequence episodes. I absolutely LOVED them and could not BELIEVE people didn't adore them like I did. I felt incredibly smart and superior as hell, and I remember getting all snobby n' sniffing about how people were just too unintelligent and closed-minded to GET those episodes and their meanings. Barf. And a HALF. But anyway, I created some products for those people, too. Just in case their Barf. And a HALF isn't over yet.
And you can just shut it if you want to complain that people like me and everyone else who was upset at the ending are too violent and it's just so blasé to insist on violence and it shouldn't have to be that way. If that's the case? Then, ahem, why bother crunching Phil's head under a tire in the MIDDLE of the show if you were trying to make a nonviolent statement? It doesn't get much more violent than that, especially considering how much they showed of the act itself (not to mention the fact that his "kids" were in the car while it happened) ...Yeah, that scene pretty much blows that argument right out of the water.
No, Chase wanted to give us the finger. And personally? I want my money back. Oh, and I mean ALL of it. From all the way back to the beginning. For all the DVDs, for the cable renewals, the DVR so I could rewind it and save it. The Series DVDs I bought other people...all the Italian food I had to eat after seeing it on the show. ALL OF IT. If he's so offended by the fans who gave him gobs of cash and got him to where he is? Well, then...give it back. Go back to being hungry. It might do ya some good, Chase (shhhh, let me pretend he actually hears me...it's more fun that way). Remember how much you obviously wanted to be RIGHT where you are now, way back "when" ...recall pitching the show to the HBO execs and praying you'd get the chance to share those characters and that incredible story with us. Even if only for a little while. How you dreamed of what it might be like to be that successful and what a cool show that would be and you hope hope HOPE they liked it and gave you a chance. That's right, back before you shoved your nose so far up your own ass that you could no longer pay attention to the original vision. Or the fans.
Whatever, right? I know, I really need to let it go.
But also making it tough to move on? Dude, they wrecked my favorite Journey song. From now on when I hear that song, I will no longer be able to wistfully recall sucking down pack after pack of cheap cigarettes in a smoky roadside motel lounge with a group of friends, thanking Christ that we didn't go to jail for underage drinking that day when we really should have. Laughing about our ridiculous comments to the police officer who sweetly ignored our idiocy and lectured us instead, while forcing us to pour each can of shitty beer onto the side of the road, laughing and one-upping each other there in that lounge, all while listening to 'Don't Stop Believing' over and over and over again on the jukebox and feeling that blissful high of youth and second chances and getting away with something you really shouldn't have and how it could have (and maybe should have) ruined you, but that's the only part that's fleeting because at that age, you'll live forever, and this was proof that Bad Things Don't Happen to Us, because you somehow believe that the magic comes off you in waves, like being young is some sort of achievement and skill you have over the old people, who apparently didn't DO it right, or they'd still BE there....
No, instead of all that, 'Don't Stop Believing' will only initially inject me with a taste of that youthful reminiscence. Then it will quickly be overtaken by Carmella's bizarre smirk and--seemingly-cotton-infused--jowls flapping about onion rings and her son's future on the movie set.
*Clears throat* sorry. [/rant] < - - - That's Gracie's cute "Code" way of saying her rant is over. See, it's an "End" tag...get it?
Hey, did I mention products? YES, yes I did. I won't bore you with a list of all fifteen designs. Just check 'em out and see if you like 'em. Or head over to the What's New section and see what else we've been working on. (I can't remember the last time I was outside.) And if you don't see what you want? Or if you like something there but you want it just a liiiiitle bit different? Drop me a note! I'm happy to accommodate. Also, stay tuned as I'm going to be setting up an affiliate page where each of you can "sell" my products and earn money on each item you sell. I've been pretty successful with the store thus far and I haven't done any advertising or affiliating at all. Imagine what we can do together! I hope to work on that later this afternoon and over the next few days. If you haven't already, sign up for our update notifications and get an email whenever we update this site, including when we add the Affiliates Page!
Oh, and don't forget: Just about everything in the store has been marked down! Sale ends this Friday, June 29, 2007, so grab some funny swag, wouldja?
Okay. On to the regular stuffs.
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So while this is mildly related to the above, it's not ALL about my bitching. George and I were discussing the return of Jericho, which had been canceled, but was recently resurrected when a bunch of overzealous and angry fans bombarded the executives in charge with a magrillion (still lovin' that word) nuts, in reference to a phrase uttered on the show's last episode. These people actually shipped tons and tons of PEANUTS to the show's offices in protest of the cancellation. And, like idiots, they gave in and brought the show back. Can you beLIEVE the precedent this is going to set??
Not to mention, in my opinion anyway, the show was rightfully canceled. It had SO much potential and could have been fantastic, but they just killed it with their cliches and boring, trite situations. We watched it well into the 2nd season and were just so constantly disappointed at how often they missed the mark and great opportunities to try something new (not to mention bucking the lame-ass, boring, decades-long Hollywood Bandwagon of constantly bashing the government, religion, the police, etc.) until we finally couldn't take it anymore and quit watching. So when we were talking recently and George hadn't heard about the "Nuts" campaign, I explained it to him. And I had an epiphany of sorts. I felt that perhaps *I* could start a campaign that would get Dead Like Me back on the air! Yeah, that'd be AWESOME! Or, or, I could get the Sopranos series finale ending FIXED! Oh, YES! And I'd be all SORTS of understanding and lenient. I'd compromise, totally! They don't have to revive the series in general...they don't even have to do a movie (in fact, I hope they DON'T) but they really need to redo the ending and make it a proper conclusion to what was once a cutting-edge show. So I have decided that we all need to send hundreds and hundreds of this particular item to the executives to make sure they take notice and Do The Right Thing in BOTH instances! And those hundreds and hundreds of things we need to send? Bodies!! Whacked bodies, even! YES, that's right!! Decomposing, maggot-infested, disgustingly smelly corpses! I have NO doubt it will work, folks, if we just band together and make our voices HEARD!
Okay, okay, maybe not. I mean, WHERE would ya put the stamps, right? And even if you found a spot, they'd just keep sliding off with all the dead cells anyway, and nothing sucks more than having your meaningful dead-person mail returned for insufficient postage, right?
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I wonder if that's what hell is? Just badly done shows in general? Or excellent shows that end with a silent fart and leave you wanting. It'd be an effective--if subtle--way of torturing people....
Okay, enough of the Sopranos. I promise.
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Gracie Grammar Lesson O' The Day:
Gracie pleads: For the love o' DOG, pee-puhl! The phrase is NOT "if WORST comes to WORST" ...how is that even POSSIBLE!? It's not, I tell ya! Worst and worst are...the same. So how can something become something it already IS?? It can't.
Hear me now and take it to heart...the correct phrase is: "if WORSE comes to WORST" because it can only get to WORST if...say it with me: it was not WORST to begin with.... okay???
Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
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So did you hear that Pamela Anderson claims to hate mirrors? That, in fact, she NEVER looks in them? Ever? Certainly explains a LOT, doesn't it? Not the least of which are those hideous clown eyebrows.
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Speaking of painful train wrecks: don't forget to watch the new Paula Abdul reality show on Bravo called "Hey Paula" and don't think for a MINUTE that I'll be able to resist it. In fact, I imagine I'll have to put my store on hold for a while and post more entries here, if for no other reason than to make fun of her craziness. And to all those whiners who like to wail about her poor, poor self and her back pain? Shut it. Now. I have horrible back pain too. And not just aches, but...well, I'm sure I've explained my ailments and defects before, so you can just use that handy-dandy google search feature down below if you want a refresher. Suffice to say, I am well-familiar with how things can be when you have chronic pain. Unrelenting for 24/7? For decades? I've lived it and I get it. But I do not feel sorry for her (well, I do for her pain, but not her lunacy and self-entitled bitchiness). So save your Defending Paula notes. She continues to invite the mockery into her life each time she agrees to do one more show, one more freakish interview, each time she lies and blames staff members and/or strangers for her own fuck ups. Being a celebrity means you accept the bad AND the good. With the CASH? Comes the BASH, baybee! So if you email me to complain about me making fun of Paula? I'll delete it (or, even better, I will post them on my site and make fun of YOU, TOO...because if you EMAIL me? You are agreeing that I can post your emails on the site, F and Y and I, babe).
Paula is crazy, plain and simple. She is also high a lot of the time, I am sure of it (though I cannot prove it...yet, of course) and if she's not? DUDE. That is even worse, cause it means she's like that withOUT the aid of any substances and that's just SCARY. Besides that, she is spoiled and egotistical and whiny and a crybaby and and and ...she is a trainwreck I can't NOT watch.
So check back here after the June 28th premier of her show and I will join in the laughter with you!
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Speaking of train wrecks, the trilogy:
Oh god. I hope you'll still love me in the morning, but I have to tell you something. I ...I really think I need an intervention. I think it's best if I come clean about it now since George found me out yesterday. You see, I've...well...god this is so hard... I've...become addicted...to...Dawson's Creek. THERE. I've said it. And I'm oh-so ashamed. I am. Especially since I wasn't even droll enough to get into it when it first came out. No, instead, i'm addicted to it's 32nd round of reruns on TBS. Starting here...the point at which I got sucked into this teen series about children YOUNGER THAN MY SON. I really do need help. It was so humiliating to watch in horror as George was scrolling through the DVR list yesterday and saw that I had forgotten to secretly delete my addiction from the Tivo menu before he got home from work on Friday. And worse to have him notice it AND, of course, comment on it. And he didn't even mock me, really, as you'd expect. Not outright, anyway. No, it was more of a patronizing, sweet, understanding voice asking "Awww, are you a Dawson's CREEK fan, sweetie?" And...I couldn't lie anymore. He'd noticed it here and there but I always explained it away, pretending I'd kept it for a commercial I saw and wanted to look into later, or that it was accidental cause it was on when I came down before work and I, you know, paused the television to make a conference call, and when you pause it long enough, well, it will...like...RECORD whatever was on when the next half-hour started, but you can SO delete THAT, cause ...PSHAW, I would NEVER....!
There was no way out of it this time. Not only had I already used every conceivable excuse before, but...it was recording it as a series. Not just one show. I'd screwed up ...screwed up BAD, man. So yeah, I was busted.
Frickin' COMCAST.
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Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
"can't hold it" "poop my pants" [perhaps you can learn from this in future: type later...POOOOOP FIRST!]
"swiss pee" [Wow. Guess the chocolate business is dropping off, huh?]
sexy american sister boobs story [I thought I told you to KILL yourself!]
nude men plunging the toilet [dear GOD. Is this a new DIET method or something!? It has to be, because I can't think of anything more nauseating! All that jiggling...and the poo...HUUUURRRLLLL!!]
oliver hardy hermaphrodite [how the HELL did my site come up for this!?]
shocking moments
Sopranos
"download ear squats" [CLEARLY I have been out of the New Trends in Working Out loop]
my dad is a drunk
less hungry after gall bladder surgery [yeah, sadly that doesn't last. AT ALL.]
vikki locke leaving star 94 [do you have ANY idea how happy this will make George? Only slightly less than if it was Steve McCoy leaving, that's ...how.]
Gracie note: I'd like to thank Cessna Pilot on the Yahoo Answers board for sending a few new visitors my way, even if he DID do it by lying to them, claiming the site and song was his own. Tsk Tsk, mister.
pantyhosed punishment [the pantyhose are punishment in and of themselves, hokay junior??]
"oops i'm pooped"
--refrained from posting...though I REEEEALLY want to, but...it's just too bad, even for this site--
pantyhose was for punishment [hahahaha, see!?]
amazing fucky girl [Hey! Who told you my old nickname!?]
fart smelling porn thumbs [well that's just GROSS]
camelsmating dvd [holy GOD...they actually have their own DVD NOW???]
Can we be a nurse with a mistermeaner [I'm gonna say N.O. on two counts, initially. A) 'Cause you appear to have multiple personality disorder, and 2) Ya just aren't smart enough. I mean, you admit you are a criminal AND while honesty is a step in the right direction, well hon, ...let's face it: you aren't intelligent enough to even SPELL your crime properly. So please, I BEG you, do NOT apply to work on people's bodies, okay? I want --no, no...I NEED someone smart enough to spell things like medications and underlying conditions properly. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you? I mean, who wants to end up in the morgue because Nurse Ratchet over there gave me Viagra instead of Valium??
american bitch [and here we have my CURRENT nickname. See above for references and reasons]
amarikan fuck [aaaaand another genius in our midst. To be fair, he lives in another country, so English-As-Second-Language is permissible, even if they ARE looking for porn instead of being productive like working, cleaning, educating themselves, or typing on a Web site that makes fun of other people....]
steaming loaf of feces
grandpa and the dog fucked me [what is WRONG with you people??]
fart smother [seriously, what the HELL is WRONG?!]
what is dolly parton's chest size? [88 triple kajillion?]
ding ding
why pee smells like popcorn [preeeeeetty sure it's the other way around, Einstein. snort]
first date fart
the day my dog fucked my ass
face farting bitch
sexy.no
funny colonoscopy pictures [THAT would be the definition of "sexy.no"]
do hot girls fart
funny pictures midget bald man
what to do when your coworkers hate you [there are SO many factors here that will determine my answer. I mean, do you HAVE bullets? Do you smell? Do you talk on a speakerphone ALL GAWDAM DAY with NO consideration toward your fellow workers and their concentration needs?? Perhaps there IS a solution for you....]
taking it up the ass hurts [thanks. Cause I was wondering....]
deaf pooping
smell of woman's pee along with pics [Smell-o-vision on the Internet? I have been SO out of touch!!]
screw my wife please 32 [who's 32??]
wrong town porn
gracie booboo [there's so many...]
don't call me a pee head
