Apropos of nothing: chewing bubble gum while listening to your iPod? Does NOT enhance the listening experience.
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iiiiii have not laughed this hard in I don't know HOW long. (Okay, a week maybe? But still...)
George and I were watching [a cable channel]'s bastardization of The Godfather series this morning and we just couldn't take it anymore. I offered to buy him the whole Godfather series on DVD if he would just change the channel. So...he did. He didn't look for something in The Guide...he just pressed the Channel Up button.
And I could KISS him for it. What appeared was an insult to the eyes, ears, and yes, even the MIND. Which, in our world means: YAY! Also it made us laugh really, really hard.
What we stumbled upon was called Hip Hop Abs and it is exactly what you think it is: One more stupid exercise video (sold through an excessively long infomercial on some unnamed channel). And since the point at which we joined this disaster was so instantly funny, we stuck around to see What Up. We soon learn that it's an extended commercial for the video set. It had all the right ingredients; high-pressured sales tactics, hot Asian women, lovely ladies crowded around a newly slimmer (but no better looking) man, and all of the women were laughing hysterically at his Before pictures (the better to wound the heavier men watching at home...to make them BUY BUY BUY). One of these geniuses actually leans over to the Former Fatty after seeing his Before/After shots and marvels, "That is three. HUNDRED. and sixty degrees of transformation, there!" and they all nod emphatically and agree with Very Serious Faces (as does Permed McDork himself). Um...babe? 360 degrees? Is a FULL CIRCLE. That means...he hasn't changed a bit. (Perhaps it was intentional? Truth in advertising? Doubtful.)
I'm tellin' ya, this video had it ALL. There was even an Of-Dubious-Sexuality Stylist onboard who took people to clothing stores for new outfits after they dropped dozens of pounds in mere DAYS! (They actually had the nerve to claim that one woman lost 15 pounds in less than a WEEK. I'm sorry...did you say the phone number was 1-800-CLASS-ACTION?)
And, god love 'em, the producers not only included anorexic girls doing the dances (the better to guilt fat women everywhere), but they also included a few shots of "real" people doing the dances. Real WHITE people. And, of course, they weren't allowed to have any rhythm whatsoever. Also they were instructed, apparently, to "Act Like You Have Down Syndrome with SEIZURES and are REALLY HAPPY about it!"
I had to show it to you. I did. So I recorded it from when we turned the channel (bout ten minutes before the end) and I took a silent video of one of the White Dancing sessions. It's only a few seconds long, but it's enough. Clearly the person in front is a new owner of the Hip Hop Abs video. The man behind her is either the dance instructor or...her nurse, I'm not quite sure. Here...click to view the video and decide for yourself.
See??
There are other people who demonstrate the dances, as well. They claim to have lost thousands of pounds doing ONLY the moves in this video and I've taken pictures of them for you righ-cheer. Of COURSE I helpfully posted commentary on those photos, as well.
Peppered throughout the commercial are scenes of already-thin women performing broken down portions of the dances. I'm assuming this is to illustrate a) how it's done and b) what muscles you'll be working (see? It's just like a REAL exercise video, but...BETTER!) and c) there's no doubt they thought people would find it sexy. I wholeheartedly disagree with this assumption, but whatever. They put it in there nonetheless. What you're about to see are three pictures demonstrating the broken down sections of a pelvic thrust. Thank GOD. Whatever would we do without this information?? George's comment after witnessing this disturbing activity? "That makes me NEVER want to have sex again." I, of course, cried with laughter...again. The look of utter disgust on his face was priceless. Here is the Pelvic Thrust, broken down for you, too.
At one point I seriously could NOT stop laughing. You know how it can truly become painful? Where it crosses over from hysterically funny to "This has to stop. I might DIE." territory? That's where I was. It was really starting to hurt, I was literally crying, and I could hear camel sounds emitting from my being (a devolved form of what was once hysterical laughter) and still...I could not stop.
And suddenly, when I thought I might be gaining back just a bit of my composure, that I may soon be able to breathe again? Things fall apart when a woman is heard saying "Mah fayvrit move is the Git BUSY move!" I, of course, nearly fell onto the floor with all my doublin' over and RE-guffawing. But I was interrupted from my fall and Laughing to Death as I felt movement from the other side of the couch (where proper fatties BELONG) and looked over to see George's interpretation of The Git BUSY move. He wouldn't let me take a picture of it, but let's just say that legs were in the air, a tongue was seen and ...nefarious pointing was going on.
Since I couldn't take George's Git Busy photo (read: was brutally rebuffed), I instead took screenshots of some of the women providing testimonials.
I love how the "Dance Instructor," as he is showing some of the "moves" you'll be taught, keeps shaking his head and biting his lower lip (an action mimicked by one unfortunate customer a bit later in the commercial, while demonstrating what he's learned. He's referred to on the Real People page as "Corky") and whipping his head back and forth, in what can only be described as having an inner dialog of "m. MMM! Mothuh-fucka, I am DOIN' this shit! I am doin' it RIGHT and I make this shit look GOOD, son!" and it's ...riotous.
Another sales tactic not lost on us was the use of less-than-attractive men paired up with smokin' hot chicks (technical term). This was undoubtedly an attempt to convince squishy men that if they just buy this video and learn how to *choke* hip-hop-dance? They, TOO, can hug hot chicks on the steps of a pool!!
Finally, we were sadly at the end of my new favorite show and they began discussing the ways in which you could order this Secret to Skinny.
I noticed at the top of the "Purchase" screen (which lists the Web site address, phone number, overpricing, etc.) there was a note that the DVD is ...drum roll please... closed captioned!! Yes! I will give a swagalicious gift to someone--ANYONE--who can provide me with a transcript of the closed captioning from the Hip Hop Abs video. I can only begin to imagine the hilarity of that video and those sounds in written form.
They then moved on to shipping options, one of which was "Express" and George LOST IT. He began shouting about how "OOoooh yeah! Let's EXPRESS it! I need that shit in my house toooo-MORROW!!" and then the screen changed to more information, causing George to revise his statement, "Orrrrr....5-7 business days. Jesus, dude...that's, like....MAIL. Regular MAIL. What, do they, like, WALK it to your house or something??" To which Gracie replied, "THAT is the secret!!! The real secret to this video!! It's not the dancing and flopping and angry pelvic THRUSTING!! It's that each time someone orders it, YOU have to take YOUR copy and hand-deliver it to the NEXT person!!"
I want...no, no, I NEED this video. However, I refuse to spend sixty gawdam dollars for ...funny. Okay, *I* would totally spend sixty damned dollars for Funny, but George won't let me. I have a feeling, though, that if I finally agreed to his absolute insistence that I "DO" this video and let him film me "doing" it?? He would SO agree to the money.
Funny how it's way less funny when I suggest that HE let me film HIM doing it...huh.
Here are a few links to short videos of people DOING the hip hop abs video and I am even more convinced that George REALLY needs to let me film HIM doing this! Those of you who know him? Have GOT to help me convince him too! Work it!
(Obviously I saved the best video for last. If you don't have time for all? At least watch the last one.)
- Two Friends Trying the Moves (It's less than half a minute long, but it cracked me up. Judging from the comments on the video page? I'm the only one)
- Three Not-So-Friends also trying the moves
- One kid being filmed by his DOG, apparently, who is laying down sideways. Ohhhh and dear god. Apparently one of the moves on the video is called "Whip That Ass"
- Mom Knows Best (this is a Japanese mom doing the video. My favorite parts include her heavily accented yelling along with the video and also when she stops to get a drink of water, then comes back and starts again. Apparently the water was just what she needed to replenish her energy and her ...noises when she begins again? Are ...well, just watch for yourself. It's especially unnerving because she's behind the couch at that point and she's crouched down and...well it just looks AND sounds like she's doing way more than the video....
And, just in case my descriptions weren't enough? Here is a link to the Hip Hop Abs video on YouTube. Sadly it's not the full version of the infomercial, but it's enough to get the idea. Having now seen parts I missed, I would just like to ask one question: why do all the women at the beginning of the video...bounce while extolling the joys of this rip-off? I mean, they seriously just...bounce and try to perform some of the moves. And BADLY at that. Also, watch out for my two new best friends, Ms. Orange-Sports-Bra-Special-Olympics-Candidate and also note the psycho, serial-killer smile on Perm Freak here.
For those of you (Hi, Super Special Stalkers!) who feel that my wishes cannot be denied, here is a handy-dandy list of all the people Hip Hop Abs CLEARLY worked for, who are now selling them on eBay (I've no DOUBT that the shipping options on each of them is either "Walk" or "Run" and never, not EVER, MAIL.)
Finally, I leave you with a portion of an After ... "look" I guess. And I ask you, do those look like hip-hop boobs to you??
Where did the rest of them GO!?
