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I have GOT to tell you about this weird incident I experienced the other day. No offense to those of you who may be head over heels in love with Jesus. Seriously. It's just...what happened? Was just bizarre. And could have waited till she was alone. Don't worry...you'll agree with me in a minute.
So I had to have a service person come out to the house the other day. We've dealt with this woman before (we've lovingly nicknamed her Lurleen) and she has been known to be a bit on the ...odd side. Our hackles are always up when we have to deal with her because she somehow gives off this weird vibe that not just makes you uncomfortable, but sorta wigs you out. As though she might, at any moment--and probably in the middle of a sentence--stop speaking and start chewing on her foot.
Wouldn't be surprised. That's aaaaall I'm sayin'.
So she's at the house and we're just about done and I have to sign off on some forms before she can leave (for her sake, not mine). I keep pointing at the forms and trying to tell her about an item that's not right on one form and several other forms that are missing entirely, but she refuses to get it. And it would behoove her to "Get It" because she could "Get In" trouble with her management if she doesn't. No skin off my back, right? I'm just trying to HELP. And it's dumb of me, really, because why I am I bothering when she seems to so clearly not WANT the help? This issue is minor and it seems very simple to me and when things seem so simple and a person won't get it? I have a nasty habit of believing they're doing it on purpose. That they simply don't WANT to understand and if they just TRIED, well, they'd totally get it! But see, I KNOW that I do this and I actively resist the urge to act on it (read: resist the urge to flick people in the forehead and/or eye until they get it). So I patiently explained, once again, what was needed (with nary a flick to be felt). And finally! A light bulb appeared to go off in her head and she said she'd be right back with what I had asked for. She heads out to her truck and I think, Yes! She finally gets it! She's off to get the missing forms and we'll be done in no time!
Duh. I should have known.
Less than a minute later, she comes back inside, TELLS me about an item from one of the missing forms (but doesn't actually have the gawdam thing WITH her), and then lays down the other forms on the table next to me while she leans over to tie her shoe. I glance over and see that on the formerly (mostly) blank first page? There now exists some new text, in blue ink, at the top right of the page.
Can I just stop here for a sec, please, and tell you that: It KILLS ME that I don't have mini cameras in my eyeballs so you can see the things I see.
What was the new text, you ask? Oh, I'll tell ya! It was "I Heart Jesus" and the heart was an actual heart. Oh, and not only THAT, but it was marked over repeatedly as though she not only wrote it once (somewhere between HERE and the DRIVEWAY and BACK here in ONE MINUTE'S TIME) but she did it HARD and then traced over it several times!
That's right. I. Heart. JESUS.
...WHY!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!
Did she feel this was information I could not make a decision without?? Was it conspiratorial and she felt it would be a message that I may respond favorably to and suddenly our session would thereafter go smoothly?? or was it more sinister? Maybe she felt the devil comin' off me in waves and just HAD to write that down as some bizarre form of protection for herself?? Like a metaphorical sprinkling of salt around my perimeter?? These are things I DO NOT KNOW.
the. FUCK!?
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I don't write about it as often, but I still have an "experience" each time I go to Publix. Well...any store, really, and especially of the grocery persuasion, but since I shop at Publix 99% of the time, it may just SEEM like it's only at Publix. I still have yet to get out of the store without either the cashier and/or the bagger insisting on reading my magazines (or at the very minimum checking out each item on the cover) and if I have greeting cards? Oh help me lawd. They have to read each one and comment on whether they think it's funny or "good" or whose birthday is coming up in their family, etc. And I just HATE it. I really do. Especially at holidays when I have to get 14 cards for various people. That trip? Took EONS. Half of which was spent agreeing with the cashier that I had chosen well. and a QUARTER of which was spent explaining the ones she didn't get. Seriously. I don't understand what it is about me that says "Chat me UP! Waste my time! I have NOTHING better to do!" Cause I would totally change it if I knew.
So anyway, I'm at Publix and I'm so happy cause I found almost everything I needed and my back hadn't locked up yet and the register right near me was open with no waiting! YES! But I knew it would devolve into a bad experience when she immediately insulted me by assuming I was ten years older than I am. I never thought that would bother me, as people are always assuming I'm much younger than I am. Let me just say? That when you're nearing forty? And a nearly 50-year-old woman assumes that, because you agree about having eye trouble sometimes, you simply MUST be her age? It doesn't feel good. In fact, I'm sure I got the Kristin Davis Offended Look* on my face when it happened. If I didn't? I certainly did made it on the inside.
It got much worse when this phrase was uttered shortly after miscalculating my age: "Chuh. And they won't LET you have a license if you can't SEE!" But not as a joke, or even as though I was blind and she was giving me helpful info...she was pissed and incredulous. The tone was more like "Those sons of BITCHES!" and I was too surprised at such an idiotic remark made with such seriousness and sincerity to think up a polite reply. The closest I could come was my own incredulous tone and "Uhhh, yeah. They're funny that way. Wantin' people to SEE n' shit." And I'm so alarmed that she shares the road with me because not only is she mean AND crazy, but only one eye is able to focus on me. Yup, that's right. She isn't just blind and in need of glasses (and actually SAID that she refused to see the eye doctor cause he'd likely insist that she wear her glasses ALL the time), but the other eye? Is totally checking out the activity at the customer service desk. Oh, it's a googly eye, alright. And this point was driven home time and again as she kept having to stop, pull out her glasses case from beneath the counter, take them out (SLOWLY), put them on, squint at the item, talk to herself about the item, read out the numbers on the item, then reread the item as she (SLOWLY) typed in each number from the barcode (and you know how short THOSE are) into the cash register, then take her glasses off, fold them up, put them BACK in the case (SLOWLY) and put the case back under the counter. auuuuuggghhhhh!! I swear, if any other store would bother to carry the items I need as only Publix does? I would so totally give them my business. I would love Publix if not for the checkout process. But they kinda insist on that part. Dammit.
Suddenly, appropos of nothing, she starts talking again, as she's finishing up the sale, getting my over-the-amount change and my receipt. And I'm BAFFLED, because she has started this little heart-to-heart? IN THE MIDDLE. Seriously, it's the middle of a conversation...and one I have not HAD with her...EVER. And I don't know the people she's speaking of. Or TO apparently. OOO! Crap! Maybe she was talking to the people at the customer service desk with her googly eye!
Anyway, hop on over to Crazy Land with me 'k? Here's what she said: "yeah, he's not goin' ANYWHERE." and I look around to see who she's speaking to and, when I see only me and GUM, I open my eyes wide, scared, and listen quietly and stand reeeeally still as she continues "...if you ask a six-year-old kid 'do you want to go to the park with dad? or do you want to sit home with mom?' what do you THINK he's gonna say?" and then she waits for me to respond and I'm so freaked out, and not JUST from her googly eye and idiotic "blind people are people TOO" comment, and I don't want to get stabbed at the publix checkout and I TOTALLY don't know the right answer, so I sorta shrug and blink a lot and utter lots of "wwwhuuuh...uhhh...I..." noises and she doesn't appear to notice my terror and stuttering problem and goes right on with "EXACTLY!! They WANT to be with MOM! They will ALWAYS choose MOM! Of COURSE!" and I say "Of COURSE" too cause she seems to like that and I figure if I just agree with her and gently back away, she may not kill me. Thankfully a bag boy came by and suddenly started trying to wrestle the shopping cart away from me to help me to my car and I escaped by insisting that I needed no help and I actually jogged out of the store. Okay, so maybe it was more like speed-walking, but still.
I swear...I will never complain about them reading my cards and magazines again. EV-ER.
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*Kristin Davis Offended Look (KDOL): I spent an hour searching online for the image I have in my head, to no avail. So I will have to explain it to you as best I can. Imagine you are a prudish girl (think Alicia Silverstone in Clueless or, well, Kristin Davis as Charlotte in Sex and the City) and having someone deeply offending you by discussing feminine itch and not sending proper thank you notes. And then delivering a few machine-gun farts for good measure. Theeeere ya go. The KDOL would be your shoulders coming up, your chin coming down and slightly to the right (they are MY daydreams, okay??), your eyebrows are flung up near your hairline. The eyes are wiiiiiide open as is the mouth, but we have to insert the lower lip into the mouth and over the lower teeth. We finish the look with an added prude-move of the fingers-tightly-together hand (you are free to choose which hand; hey, I am ALL about being easy!) coming up to cover the mouth (with only the middle finger touching the upper lip...again...shuddup, this is MY head and you are merely VISITING).
And there you have it! The KDOL!
Feel free to use it whenever you encounter crazy ass publix cashiers with googly eyes and imaginary children.
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Someone Arrived Here Searching For:
twat sucker [wow. startin' off angry, huh?]
man sucking big boos [well I'd just like to know how, exactly, one sucks a "boo"]
feeling tired after gall bladder surgery [no duh.]
american angst [hi hello!]
girls of fucky [dude. is it a PLACE??? WTF?]
did dolly parton have her breasts enlarged? [did you get dropped on your HEAD? OF COURSE she did. And she will gleefully tell you that herself. I can't believe there are still questions about it.]
kim cattrall snotty bitch [no duh x 2]
"can i fuck my dog" [Sure, sure. but only if you call THESE PEOPLE and THESE PEOPLE and tell them first. It's the law.]
hockey etiquette party [ooooo! I cannot IMAGINE a better idea for Gracie! Hockey? AND a party? AND ABOUT ETIQUETTE?? DOOOOOOD!]
is sigourney weaver a hermaphrodite? [don't you heart crazy people too? you must or you wouldn't be here!]
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